DEAR CONNOR

PLEASE STAY

DIANA'S P.O.V

"Dee, you need something?"  Aireen was all sitting beside me.

"Aireen..."  I tried to reach her hand.

"I'm here.  What do you want?"  She came closer.

"Make...friends...with...them."  I winked.

"No I'm staying here."  She shook her head.  "No."

"Yes..."  I signed.

"Diana."  Aireen looked at me, showing her million reasons to not doing what I asked.

"It's...okay...  I...can...speak...louder...later..."  I smiled.

"It's not that what I'm saying, girl."  She looked piss and sad at the same time.

"I...know."  I nodded.  "Go..."

Then Aireen left with Toby, because I asked Toby to bring her somewhere.  She didn't even have to see this, or to get involved too much on this sad story.  Aireen came here to meet her idols.  It's Christmas Eve too in here.  So Toby drove Aireen together to the family church, to prepare everything.  That's a lot better.

"Twin, you're still a vegan?"  Tanya came closer to me, slowly, genlty, with those red eyes.

"I...am..."  I nodded.

"I...  Gosh, Dee why didn't you tell me?"  Tanya burst out cried again and just so in time, Riley caught her trembling body.

"To...make...it...easier..."  I shut my eyes to blink the full watery eyes.  "But...I...miss...you..."

We ended up crying again.  So hard.  I can't breathe.  Tanya's tears were all on my hands because she cried on my lap.  Riley hugged me from behind.  Then Connor just sit at the corner of the couch, not knowing what to do.  But I bet he had a thousand questions for me in his mind.

"Mind to have a walk?"  Connor gave his hand to me.  "Upstairs."

I stared into his eyes, finally, after few hours I spent denying them.  "Okay..."

"We'll be right here sweety.  Anything, just call."  Tanya rested her head on Riley's chest.

"Thank...you..."  I smiled.

Connor helped me step upstairs slowly.  I got to be this close again to his body.  He's my whole life and after a year, I got to meet him again.  This should be fun.  But I'm not fun anymore so it wouldn't be that fun.

"Is it comfortable?"  Connor ended up carrying me bridal style to his bed.

"Thanks..."  I signed.

"Then start talking."  He sit with his back on me, but I know it because he's crying.

"About...what..."  I bowed my head all the time.

"Everything."  He whispered in tears.

I left him with a moment of silence.  I looked through the window.  It's a complete mess what we have here.  I stared at his back too.  It's perfect.  He's perfect.  My Connor McDonough's perfect.  He should haven't spent his whole Christmas Eve asking for an explanation to a girl in wheel chair like me.

"I...want...to...live...longer..."  I cracked up.

Connor didn't say anything but he's sobbing harder.  He held his head and buried it against his chest.  I cried even louder just by staring at the window again, embraced the fact that this whole world was just getting even bigger everyday.  I felt I didn't belong here anymore.

"My...sister...hates...you?"  I started to speak again between this tears stream.  "My...fault.  I...should've...not...kissed...you...that...day."

"Diana, stop!!!"  Connor turned around and saw me those desperated red eyes.

"Don't...cry..."  I smiled.  "Why...is...everybody...crying?"

He stared at me deep down into my soul.  The more he stared, the more hurt I felt on my chest.  I choked, and cried.  I'm a bad person.  I can't be with him forever.

"That's...a...nice...guitar..."  I smiled.

Connor just looked at me and sighed.  "Since when?"

"What...?"  I asked.

"You.  Since when did this happen?"  He spoke in a low tone.

"A while..."  I nodded.  "A while..."

"Gosh I can't breathe."  He stood up by the mirror side, lied his back on the wall, stared at me again.

"Connor..."  I played with my fingers.  "Please..."

"Hmm?"  He swept away his tears.

"Make...it...up...back...with...Ariana..."  I faced him.

"No.  You may ask me anything but that."  His stubborn mind refused everything that I said.

"But...I..."  I choked.

"I LOVE YOU!  ALRIGHT?  CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?  I LOVE YOU!  DON'T ASK ME TO LOVE YOUR SISTER ANYMORE BECAUSE I CAN'T!  I WAS SO STUPID, THINKING THAT THE GIRL I CASUALLY DATED WAS THE GIRL I LOVED.  BUT NO, I WAS WRONG. I SPENT WHOLE PRECIOUS TIME MAKING THE WORST DECISION!  I SHOULD'VE SPENT MORE TIME WITH YOU IF I EVER KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!"

His voice made it through the deepest hole in my heart, across the ceiling above, shot it back to the sky and killed me back on earth.  I felt pain all over my body.  The tears came down even worst than before.  God, why...  Why should I love this guy when you know I can't have him.

"They...said...God...listens."  I held my breath.  "But...when...I...ask...Him...to...release...my...pain, why...wouldn't...He...?"

"Diana..."  Connor came closer and held my body.

"Connor...  I want...to...be...okay..."  I cried harder.  "WHY...CAN'T...I...?!"

"Ssh...  I'm sorry..."  

Connor buried me the deepest against his chest, as I cried on it.  I punched his chest all over again but Connor stayed still and bear with me.  He kissed the top of my head, whispering 'I love you' for so many times but I shook my head.  This trembling body can't hold any longer.  

"Don't...love...me.  I'm...dying..."  I whispered him.

"I don't even care right now.  You're mine.  Til death do us part."  He whispered.

"You're...gonna...just...hurt...yourself..."  I shook my head.

"It already is.  I don't care.  I don't want you to go anymore.  Stay.  Please.  I beg you.  Stay.  For the sake of God, please stay."  Connor hugged me tighter.

I closed my eyes peacefully in the depth of Connor's hug.  His arms were so warm, and he didn't mind for me to use it as my pillow.  I blinked some tears during my sleep, because no, it's not even called sleep.  There's a lot in my mind to tell Connor later.  And I still missed Ariana too.  God, please give me one more day to survive.