DEAR CONNOR

NEW PLAN

DIANA'S P.O.V

This morning I woke up with heavy head and red eyes.  I looked horrible.  Last night's disaster was real.  I just realized I have no family anymore.  Now how I gotta survive.  I stared at the glass in front of me, and the salad from last night that I supposed to eat.  Then my laptop that I didn't even shut down, with my half project on its screen.  I threw my sight to the entire apartment.  Empty and cold.  Suddenly in this big country and wide world, I have nobody left to say good morning to.

I forwarded all calls to my phone because today I wanted to come outside, no matter what they said about the weather.  I closed the door at 7 am, then walked to Starbucks across the nearest mall from my building.  No it's supposed to be no more milks and overall, protein.  But I couldn't die frozen in this place, so I ordered a cup of hot chocolate.  Considering this, I hope I wouldn't collapse because a simple hot chocolate.

Spending the first 30 minutes, I saw so many people walking across the store window, looking busy as usual.  Some women brought their kids along, fed them on the street, bought them hot chocolates.  That's cool.  How cool was it to have parents anyway?  I also saw some girls laughed outside, being all happy.  Do you remember the last time I was feeling happy?  Because I don't.

Today's daydream about happiness and perfect family was interrupted by Tanya's call.  I just stared at it, not knowing to answer or to reject her.  Seriously I'm not in the mood of talking.  But after all, she's my other half.  She's the only one left who I think did still care.

"Hey..."  I breathed out.

"Hey, how you doing?"  She sounded horrible too.

"Uhm...  I'm good, maybe.  I'm at Starbucks now, where are you?"  I shook my head.

"Already at home, just got back from their house."  She answered.

"Oh."  I just knew it, meaning the McDonough's house.

"Baby, do you even think this is the right choice, to stay away from Connor?  I see him too.  He's broken.  Just like you."  Tanya started the heavy talk.

"I don't know.  I can't feel anything right now, twin.  Things fall in the wrong place.  It's not the brightest idea either to embrace this moment by having Connor by my side, when all I know is Ariana's crying in her room or maybe cursing me."  I sighed.

"That's the thing, beautiful.  She can't cry over this forever or even curse you.  What did you do wrong?  Tell me, this Melbourne thing is about her, right?  I'm sure you don't go to the hospital as often as you should.  Because that's not your concern.  And I know now, you're sitting at Starbucks instead of taking your medicine because you think what's left to fight for?"  Tanya spoke the most make sense thing ever.  She's right.

"Yeah, kinda..."  I took a deep breathe.

"Sweety, listen to me.  What for, hmm?  Why punishing yourself?"  She made me can't breath.

"Because that's all I can do now."  I said in short.

"Dee, please...  We care about you.  Connor would die if he ever known about your disease."  She half-whispered.

"Tanya, can I ask something?"  I swept my tears away.

"Sure."  

"I want to be left for a while.  No contact, no Skype, nothing.  This is all overwhelming to me.  It's not that I don't like to talk to you.  You know you're my only reason now.  But...I gotta go.  Find myself back.  Just so lost already, twin."  I shut my eyes waiting for her reaction.

"So...you mean...this is the last conversation til you call me back?"  Tanya stuttered.

"Yes.  It won't be too long, but I don't know exactly when.  I will call you back."  I took my coat then walked outside.

"What are you trying to do?"

I cried in silence with the phone in my hand and Tanya across the world.  "I gotta go.  Love you twinnie.  Bye bye."

I walked faster to the corner of the street, turned left, and stepped inside this all-white decorated building.  Here's a little bit quite.  I thought I was hating hospital.  But from now on...welcome to my new house.

"Doctor Cory, please.  Diana Hawkins."  I spoke to the reception.

"You may go straight upstairs.  Doctor's in his room."  The nurse answered politely.

"Thank you."

I went up with the elevator to his room and soon knocked.  "Doctor, you have time?"

"Hey Diana, what a surprise.  How you feeling?"  He stood up.

"Doctor, I want to stay in the hospital, start now."  I held my breath.

"What?  Little girl, I tell you.  You're okay now.  We still don't need inpatient treatment for you because your condition is getting better.  Do you take your med..."

"I'm not feeling any better.  Does my lab test tell you differently?  Because now I want to vomit."  I sit on his couch.  "Give me inpatient treatment, anything.  Here's my insurance card."

"Diana...  It's not necessarily like this..."  Doctor Cory sit before me.

"Doctor please just do.  If the outpatient treatment doesn't work really well to me, try something else."  I stared at the distance behind him.

"Okay..."  He called his nurse.  "Done.  They'll take care of you.  You'll be having physiotherapy tomorrow, everyday, and some other lab tests."

"Thank you."  I hugged him awkwardly then followed the nurse who'll take me to my new apartment.

I wanted to see it.  How it would work.  If I was getting better in some couple days, then I'd go back to my old happy life.  But if I wasn't, then I'd just going to write it all down before my time's running out.  Maybe it doesn't work that way, to be together with your love, because you're gonna die.  And wow, that cup of hot chocolate has made me hard to breathe.