DEAR CONNOR

HIDING BACK

DIANA'S P.O.V

Good morning. One more day to survive.

Today I planned nothing but lying down all day long in my apartment. I have school to do today. In case you asked, I still do school daily. But it's an online schedule. Practically, I did online school. Because my parents were too busy to ask - or they didn't really want to know, so I'm fine. They only knew that I'm now a senior. Enough said.

I opened my Twitter today and checked on my notification. Wow. For a while you saw it, felt great to have some people that were missing you and wanting you to stick around more. It's the one thing I love about this secret life. People somewhat didn't judge.

@DianaBYE: Hey guys, it's good to be back! Hello @ConnorMcDonough @RileyMcDonough @TobyMcDonough @BeforeYouExit

And......sent. I don't know what I'm doing. Why should mention Connor? Oh right. Because Diana on Twitter should be somebody else across the world instead of this girl he kissed few weeks ago.

I kept talking to some internet friends through Twitter as well as doing school, until Tanya's Skype suddenly appeared, fulfiling my whole laptop.

"Whoa. You shocked me, thank you very much." I pouted.

"I miss you too, thank you very much." She rolled her eyes. "What you doing?"

"School." I chuckled.

"How was the treatment?" Tanya spoke and ate her snack at the same time.

"Not so many improvement. They did check ups on me. I don't know." I shrugged it off.

"You're doing fine, baby." Tanya forced a smile.

"Hmm. At least now I'm still." I cleared my throat. "How you doing? How's everybody doing?"

"I...think, I want to tell you something." Tanya repositioned herself.

"Wait. Hang on. I'm saving my homework first before it's gone. Hang on..."

I minimized our Skype window so I can close all of my works and Twitter. I want to hear whatever she says carefully. So after few minutes, I put her back.

"You done?" She drank her water.

"Okay. Done. What is it about?" I started listening.

"Ariana." Tanya murmured.

"What about her?" I squinted my eyes.

"She...broke up with Connor...I think." Tanya bowed her head.

I choked really hard till I felt the world turn upside down for a while. "WAIT WHAT???"

"I know. Normal reaction. Me too. I know it from Connor directly." She explained.

"But why..." I couldn't even blink my eyes.

"On the way home from the airport, I told Connor to take a deep breath. Take a break if that's what they need. Because you know, I told you, it was the worst road we've ever had. This moment when Connor and Ariana kept yelling at each other. So when we're at Starbucks and I saw a chance, I spoke. He's more fragile than before. I mean, I know, we should see it the same way with Ariana because she's broken when you're gone. But lately Ariana becomes more demanding than before. Connor said Ariana told him that she can't stand the fact that Connor chose to be at home and work rather than accompanied her in the studio. It was a chaos. Yesterday too, they met at Shaun's office for the tour meeting. You know, it turned out horribly."

"My gosh..." I breathed out. "Does Ariana know about me already?"

"No, I don't think so. It wouldn't be that easy. I've checked that your room was clean, she can never find anything from there." Tanya shook her head.

"Let's hope not..." I stared at the distance. "But what if she does?"

"Then she should deal with the fact that you guys have a lot more stronger feelings for each other. And you have it way earlier than she does." She spoke slowly.

"Ari will hate me..." I started to cry.

"Dee, listen to me. We can't hide behind this forever. At some points, they'll reveal it. They deserve to know. And you deserve to get more than you have now. You love Connor way before her. Yet you didn't take anything from her. So what's the point if someday you and Connor meet again and start to deal with the real thing?" Tanya argued. It was all blurred for me.

"Maybe we see this through the wrong view. Maybe I've taken everything from Ariana. I'm the bad girl here." I pulled my knees.

"No, no not at all. You see this from the wrong side, Diana. No." She yelled. "Now tell me. Who can exactly control Connor's feelings? Or your feelings? Or Ariana's choices? None! You see?"

"Should I stop writing the letter?" I stared into Tanya's eyes, looking for the answer.

"It's...up to you. I'm just the delivery girl in this case. But just so you know, even if you stop writing, it wouldn't change anything anymore. It has to be this way. We can't run." She spoke slowly.

"Okay." I nodded.

"Okay what?" She raised an eyebrow.

"No, I'm just gonna think of the next step. Maybe other way's better than this." I smiled.

"Have you called Ariana or something?" She seemed want to end the heavy topic.

"Not yet. I'm confused. Can't take a risk of being interrogated about Melbourne's life." I shook my head. "Have you met her?"

"Only few days ago, that's the last when I took your stuff." Tanya sighed.

I dropped a silence into our conversation. My head was full of questions and wonders. My body's getting weaker everyday. I thought going to Melbourne was the best decision, that I could let go my secret about Connor, to let him live happily with Ariana. Now it seems like he got preoccupied too by my absence. It should have been easier than this. Or now, if Ariana finally figures out everything, would I still be able to explain? I'm afraid that my explanation will just be a plan. Maybe when she think it's her time to talk to me, I wouldn't be here anymore.

"Dee, you're okay?" Tanya interrupted my thoughts.

"Oh yeah, I'm good." I chuckled.

"Okay...so... I gotta go. Will call you again later." She smiled. "Miss you so much, twin."

"Gosh I miss you too... Take care yourself for me okay?" I blew a kiss.

"Hmm. You too. Bye bye."

"Bye baby girl."

I closed my laptop and lied down on my bed. Tough. So tough. Everything's just ruined.