DEAR CONNOR

DIANA AZALEA HAWKINS

CONNOR'S P.O.V

Nothing more breathtaking than losing your beloved one on New Year Eve.  I have this whole spirit crashed down to pieces.  No more the happy Connor.  She took it all with her.  It should've been a perfect moment for us to spend the last day of this year in hospital, with her.  But then she left without any warning.  She's just gone without any goodbyes.

"Connor..."  Tanya knocked my unlocked door.

"Yeah."  I swept my tears.

"Are you okay...?"  She asked slowly.

"Other than Diana's gone, yes, I'm okay."  I looked at her.  "Gosh, Tanya, you know what I feel?  I just died with her.  Everything that I hold onto for the last a year, that I thought they were my hopes, it's gone with her."

"I understand...  Seriously I understand.  Con, I spent my whole life knowing her, being her twin."  Tanya chuckled in tears.

"Oh God."  I breathed out  "I'd rather get punched in the face than lose her."

"We all would."  She nodded.  "Here, she left these for you."

"What?"  I took some envelopes from her.

"She's been writing so many things about her, for you.  It's time for a revelation."  Tanya hugged me.

"Tanya I don't know how to live after this..."  I cried in her hug.

"I don't know either..."  She whispered.  "Alright.  Gosh...  Alright.  I'll leave you with this first."

"Thank you."  I tried so hard not to cry anymore.

"Hey Con,"  Tanya stopped before she closed my door.  "Just so you know, she had never stopped loving you, even when you said you loved Ariana..."

Then she left.  My heart has just stopped beating.  I am the worst person in the world.  How could I miss her glares, her tears, her untold feelings that she showed me, but I said I loved Ariana instead?

Dear Connor,
Wow, there's a lot to tell you.  Let's start with the simplest one.  I love you.  I might had never told you that anymore lately, just because I'm scared it would eat me again.  If only I could turn back time, I would've spoken up louder to you so that you heard me.  I call you 'pumpkin' inside my head, because I don't know, you look like sweet little pumpkin to me.  Connor, this time, I want to raise my ego, may I?  I love your eyes so much.  I wish I could have it.  I'm in love with every inch of you.  Even your hands, when they play the strings beautifully.  Your voice, that deep low tone voice.  Your sweet blonde hair that I always love how its smell.  And your hard works during this time.  You know what?  I'm the luckiest.  I'm the luckiest fan in the world.  I got to know you, came to your house, have a sister who dated you.  It all brought me nothing but closer to you.  You know why I was eager to support you and Ariana?  Because that close I could be to you.  Anything, just to get closer to you.  To get to know what you love in life.  Your favorite Starbucks drinks.  Your favorite candy.  Your favorite doughnuts.  But baby, I can't buy them all forever for you.  I can't stand longer to cook you breakfast anymore.  I can't kiss you at the kitchen anymore.  My lips are too pale for you.
Connor, there's this thing, unseen thing, that was being pushed against my chest so hard when I write this letter for you.  The only thing I want now is to be in your hug.  But how, I'm too horrible to get your attention.  I'm no longer that basket ball team captain anymore, nor choir chief, nor pianist, nor guitarist.  Nothing's too cool about me lately.  I have never played that guitar anymore, because this hands have been too stiff.  So I gave it to the master.
Hey love, yes, I'm Azalea.
Now you meet me.  Sorry for being too creepy that time.  I hope you like the guitar.  Sorry for all the nonsense letters that I sneaked into your mailbox.  It's nothing but my fangirl mood take over.  Nothing but my willingness to get closer to you because that's the best place I'd rather be.  You make the best version of me.  For that, I'm sorry for being so rude to you that time.  I'm afraid to love you.  Because my sister is Ariana.  And her happiness is even more important than my existence.  But either way, you know how much I love you, right?  I'm so sorry, I couldn't go to your Melbourne show on July 30.  Hey, it's my birthday anyway.  Advance happy birthday to me.
I beg you one thing and one thing only, that is to live on your dream.  You have this solid future ahead of you.  Please, for me, do something in your life.  I know this is hard for you.  Trust me, when I write this, I cry like baby, because dying hurts.  But please start your life again with music.  It's where you belong.
I hope you'll find someone else way better than me.  Much more better.  I want the best for you, baby.  Don't think I wouldn't be mad if you hurt yourself just because I'm gone, alright?  Haha.  Wow, feels good to act like your girlfriend.  This is silly why would I do this but I'm gone anyway.  Nothing to be ashamed of.
And lastly, thank you for everything that you did to me.  Sorry for making scars on your hands because I bit you on the last meal time.  Dang it hurts, huh?  Alright.  See you next time, baby boy.  I love you so much with all my heart.  Even in my last breath, I'm still thinking of you.  Please take care of my twinnies, Tanya and Aireen.  Say hello to Mommy and Daddy McDonough too.  Take care of your brothers.  Oh and Tank too.  
And Ariana too.  If you meet her again sometime, please tell her that I also love her with all my heart, even if she hates me.
Until next life, pumpkin.
Love,
Diana Azalea Hawkins

Forever in my life, I have never cried this hard, ever.  But Diana has made me to be a better person of myself.  Her and her genuine heart just loved me without asking for a payback.  She loved me and all people around her with all her heart even when we ignored her.  All she thought was us, here in Orlando.  I can't believe I missed her half battle against Celiac.  Can't believe that the diet she did, it's when she's dying.  I still remember those red cheeks when I kissed her lips for the first time at the kitchen, even if she denied it.  I remember the smell of the wind that brought me to an early conclusion that I was jealous about Jason.  This hurt feeling was even worst than when I broke up with Ariana.  You know, there's this thin line between adoring and loving, just like I said.  But then I was tripped into a false feeling that I've hold onto for so long.  Til I ignored her genuine love.  Til I can't see that Azalea was here.  Til I didn't bother to check on who's putting the letters to my mailbox.  I didn't bother to look over the window to see that she might had been staring at me, wishing for a notice.  I didn't get her when she rushed to run away from me because she's jealous.  Instead, I was tripped in this glamour life by dating Ariana.  I hurt her feeling since the day one.  I should've never dated Ariana.  I should've never dated her sister.  Things would be better if I was just dating random girl then found out earlier about her feeling for me, instead of making that crucial by dating her own sister.  I should've known that Diana would fight anything for the sake of Ariana's happiness.  

God, I want my Diana back...