A Survivor's Diary of the Apocalypse (TWD/Daryl Dixon)

S6Pt11 - Awake

I heard people coming in and out of the room. I felt everytime Daryl held my hand, and everytime Judith sat next to me. I wanted to hold them, let them know that I was okay, that I am still here... but I couldn't.
My body was stuck, paralyzed or something, probably to allow me to heal from all my wounds.
But I wanted to come back. My heart broke everytime Lee cried for me and I wasn't there. I cried everytime Daryl cried. I kissed him back everytime he kissed me. I said "I love you" everytime he said it.
But he just couldn't hear me, and I began to wonder if everything was worth it...

~~~~~~~~~~

"You know.." Rick began to say. "After everything she's been through, Kelley has only come out stronger."
"You got that right." I thought. 
"Watched her family die.." Daryl said.
"Yeah..." I thought and reminisced on my family.
"Her dog died." Carl said.
"Oh how I miss that dog..."
"Her father." Daryl added.
"Jeez, thanks Daryl." I said and mentally rolled my eyes.
"Terminus." Rick said.
"That was a whole shit show on its own." I said, remembering the whole day like it was yesterday.
"Got her throat sliced pretty good." Daryl said. "And now this."
I instantly cringed in pain and felt the burning inside me again. I felt like screaming, crying, yelling, anything to make the pain feel real, but I knew it was all inside my head. What was done is done, but the feeling was still there. Soon it subsided and I felt as if I was a part of their conversation again.
I then heard Carl sigh and sniffle his nose, and imagined him wiping his tears away too. I wanted to hug him, or do anything I could to make him feel better, but he was alone.
"She stepped up and became a mother when she didn't have to." Carl said. "For me and Judy... and I never really thanked her."
"Oh Carl..." I thought. "Don't think like that. I always knew. I love you..."
"She knows kid." Daryl then said, and it's like he read my mind. "She knows."
I wanted to move so badly, to tell Carl myself, to be there for him, but I still couldn't. I was so frustrated.
"I get it, I'm alive." I said to myself. "Now let me up."
I fought with myself so hard that I mentally exhausted myself. The pain then overtook me and I fell back into a deep sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

I felt Daryl anxiously rubbing my wedding ring... again. But then he suddenly stopped, and I knew it was time to show him I was there.
"I'm ready now." I thought. "Come on Kelley, you can do this."
With a lot of my strength, I forced myself to move my finger. It felt easier this time, and I knew that this was it... I was coming back.
"You okay?" I heard Rick ask.
"I could've sworn her hand moved." Daryl said hesitantly.
"I did!" I said.
"Kell. Can you hear me?" Daryl asked.
"Yes! Baby I can hear you. I'm here!" I said again.
My body wouldn't move anymore, my voice didn't work, and eyes didn't open. I was still trapped.
I felt Daryl start caressing my hand and I urged to touch him back.
"Please Kell... wake up." Daryl said quietly.
"I'm trying..." I thought and felt myself getting stronger.
I felt my hand start to tingle, and my blood started rushing faster.
"Just squeeze my hand." Daryl said. "Something."
All of a sudden, my body felt a huge weight taken off of it. I took a deep breath and with all my strength I squeezed Daryl's hand as hard as I could. It felt like the stone that kept me as still as a statue broke off, and I was suddenly free.
I began to feel his wedding ring, just like he was doing to me. I let him know that I was listening.
"Kell..." He began to say.
I then managed to open my eyes, and I blinked at the instant sight of light again. I then saw Daryl looking at me and he covered his mouth in shock.
"I'm still here.." I managed to say.
Daryl automatically bent over the bed and hugged me, and I slowly wrapped my arm around him.
"Can't get rid of me that easy." I tried to joke.
For the first time in awhile I heard Daryl laugh again. I smiled as he kissed my cheek and rested his head in the crook of my neck.
He then looked back at me and held my face, slowly caressing my cheek and gently feeling my lips.
"I love you Kelley." He said slowly, and I could tell he was still shocked.
I managed to smile and lightly chuckled, and slowly placed my hand on his cheek.
"I love you too Daryl."

~~~~~~~~~~

It was the next morning and I felt as rested as I could get. Daryl walked into the room and I saw he was holding Lee.
"Oh, my baby." I said and smiled. "Can I hold him?"
"Of course." Daryl said. "He's missed you."
Daryl handed him to me and I held him in my arm. Lee just stared at me and I kissed his forehead.
"Hey baby, hi." I said and smiled at him.
He giggled at me and I gave him several little kisses all around his face. He giggled again and stretched in my arm.
I wanted to reach out and pet his head, but I suddenly remembered that I didn't have another arm. I just sighed and gently rested my cheek on his head.
"You okay?" Daryl asked and sat down next to me.
I nodded and looked at him. "Yeah. I just forgot I don't have another hand to touch him with."
We both looked at the bandage on my arm and the stump that was left over.
"I am so sorry I wasn't there." Daryl said. "I can't even imagine what you went through. I'm still trying to understand how you did it."
"It's not your fault." I said. "I made the choice... I did what I had to do."
Daryl nodded and I just sighed.
"Come here." I said.
He leaned forwards and I kissed his lips. He grabbed my face and deepened the kiss.
Just then, the group walked in and Daryl let me go. They all cheered when they saw me and I couldn't help but laugh.
"There she is!" Abraham shouted. "Still a badass."
"Thanks Abe." I laughed.
Daryl took Lee for me and I took turns hugging the group. Once it came to Carl's turn, I saw he was hesitant.
I looked at his eye and then the other had a bandage over it. I pulled him in for a hug and I felt him start breathing heavy.
"Just because we lost a part of us, doesn't mean we lost each other.." I whispered in his ear. "You are my son, and I love you."
Carl nodded and he pulled away, and I wiped a few tears from his eye.
"We're gonna be okay." I said, and he nodded in agreement.
Just then, Rick walked in with Judith and she began crying when she saw me.
"Oh baby, come here." I said.
Rick handed her to me and she wouldn't stop crying. She laid her head on my chest and I just ran my fingers through her hair.
"It's okay baby girl." I said. "Look at me."
She shook her head and I took a deep breath. I looked up really quickly to blink away my own tears before I looked back down at Judith. 
"Judith, look at me." I said, and she slowly looked up.
"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." I said.
She sniffled and I wiped her tears away. "No more crying. Okay? You don't need to cry."
She nodded and I kissed her forehead.
"Let me see that smile." I said.
I began lightly tickling her side and she started laughing. I chuckled and kissed both of her cheeks.
"That's what I wanna see." I said.
She stayed sitting in my lap and began playing with the blanket, but I didn't mind.
"I'm so happy to see you alive." Rick said.
I smiled and pulled him in for a hug. After saying my hellos to everyone, I caught some still staring at my arm.
"Good thing is, that was my bad hand. I'm kinda glad it's gone." I said, trying to crack a joke.
Everyone wasn't sure what to say, but I saw some of them smirking because they knew what I was talking about.
"So Kelley." Maggie said. "Some good news is that Eugene said that he can make you a prosthetic arm. We got the materials already. Now we just have to wait until your... arm heals." She said, trying not to say anything offensive, but I wouldn't take offense to anything she said anyways.
"Thank you guys." I said. "I really appreciate it."
She smiled at me and I nodded at them. And despite the circumstances, I kept on smiling. I knew that things were bad, but I also knew they could've been worse. I just keep on telling myself that everything is going to be okay, because I am still alive.
I still have my husband, my kids, and my life, and there is still more work to do. My time is not up, not yet, and not for a long time.