A Survivor's Diary of the Apocalypse (TWD/Daryl Dixon)

S8Pt14 - My Conversation With Negan

We got back to the Hilltop, and it was just about an hour until dusk. I saw Maggie walking around the Hilltop, checking in on her people, before spotting us. Daryl parked the car and we both got out together, and Maggie walked over to us. I closed the car door and looked at her, and when she got closer I shook my head.
"Sorry, Maggie.." I said and bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from choking up, and then I cleared my throat. "He ran off, we lost him." I said.
She sighed and just nodded her head at me. She then put her hand on my shoulder and patted it, then pulled me in for a hug. "It's okay. It was worth a shot."
I just nodded at her, and Daryl walked over to stand next to me. He nodded at Maggie, and then she cleared her throat to speak.
"Dwight sent a message." She then said, and we both looked at her. "Gave us a map, showing us where Negan is going tomorrow, along with the rest of the Saviors..." She paused, and then nodded. "We're going tomorrow. We're ending this, once and for all."
I just stared at her and Daryl nodded, and she said goodbye and walked away. I just sighed and looked up at the sky, wondering if Carl was watching from above, somewhere.
Then, it hit me. I remembered his letter... to Negan.
"I need a minute." I then told Daryl, and he looked over at me. "Just to.. think." I said.
Daryl nodded and kissed my forehead. "Okay. I'll see you later."
I nodded as he left me alone, and I sighed at myself. I then got what I needed to do this, trying not to waste any time. I got my bag out of the car, and looking through it I saw that I still had my letter in there. I looked some more, pushing some stuff around, and then saw the letter with Negan's name on the front. I grabbed it, along with a walkie-talkie, and then left the Hilltop.

~~~~~~~~~~

I hiked to a small ridge just behind the hill where the Hilltop sat, and watched the sun set. I sighed as I took a minute to process my thoughts, and think about what I was about to do. I then looked at the letter in my hand, and read his handwriting. Small, rushed, yet neat. I could only imagine how Carl was feeling writing these letters, not only emotionally but physically as well.
I then opened the letter and began reading.
"— Negan, this is Carl.
I was helping someone and I got bit. We didn't have to be doing what we were doing. I was just helping someone and now I'm gone.
You might be gone. Maybe my dad made your people give you up, but I don't think so. I think you're still around and you're working on a way out. Maybe you got out and you think we're a lost cause, or maybe you want to kill all of us. I think you think you have to be who you are. I just wonder if this is what you wanted. I wanted to ask you. I wish I could've.
Maybe you'll beat us. And if you do, there'll just be someone else to fight, others just like my Dad. The way out is working together. It's forgiveness. It's believing that it doesn't have to be a fight anymore. Because it doesn't.
I hope my Dad offers you peace. I hope you take it. I hope everything can change. It did for me. Start over. You still can.
— Carl"
I took in a deep breath and wiped away what tears have formed in my eyes, and then folded the letter back up. I then grabbed the walkie talkie and scanned through the channels, and stopped on the one we knew the Saviors communicated on.
I sighed and then pressed the button, then paused. "Let me talk to Negan." I then said and unclicked the button, and it was silent. "I'll wait."
A Savior's voice then came through a few seconds later "Who's asking?" The voice asked, but I knew it was him.
"It's Kelley." Was all I said, and waited. "Remember me?"
"How could I forget?" Negan said, and then asked. "Is Rick there with you? Why don't you put him on?"
"This isn't about Rick. It's about Carl..." I said, and Negan went quiet on the other end. "Carl was like a son to me, and I had to watch him die... Before he died, he wrote you a letter." I said and stared at it in my hands. "I'm delivering it because that's what he wanted."
I then unclicked the button, going silent on my end, and I covered my mouth with my arm, stopping myself from crying any more. The walkie-talkie then clicked and Negan spoke again.
"Well I can't promise not to kill the messenger." Negan responded.
"Just shut up and listen Negan." I said, and then paused before continuing.
I read him Carl's letter, and he was quiet as he listened. Once I finished, I sighed and spoke again.
"I'm coming to you, asking you, to stop this. I know this could've stopped a long time ago, but there's still a chance now. There has to be..." I said and waited for his response.
"It's too late to go back Kelley. It's come down to this." Negan said.
"I believe that Carl is right. There is still a way out of all this. By putting all of our bullshit aside and starting over, without all the fighting and the killing." I pleaded and then Negan spoke next.
"You're saying... that we can live together, after I've killed your people. Even after what I've done to you, and your precious baby daddy... Tell me Kelley, you can just push all that aside?" Negan asked.
"Yes." I blatantly said.
"How do I know I can trust you?" Negan asked.
"Because this is what my son wants, and I'll honor him that way... And it's hard to come across this nowadays, so when I say this, you'll know I'm telling the truth, so... I forgive you, Negan."
I unclicked the walkie-talkie and waited for his response, and he was silent for longer than usual.
"All this... there is no getting out of it now.." Negan then responded. "I wouldn't accept your surrender if you came to me on your knees. See, winning isn't about beating you, winning is about killing every last one of you. That is starting over... I never wanted this. Rick made this happen. You tell him that... No more talk." Negan said, and then the radio clicked off.

~~~~~~~~~~

I got back to the Hilltop before dark, and Daryl met me at the gate. I walked inside and he put his hand on my shoulder.
"Everything okay?" He asked.
I just nodded and took his hand in mine. "Yeah. I'm okay."
Daryl then nodded and walked us towards the house, and we went inside. Daryl said he was going to lay down, and I told him I'd join him after I fed the kids and said goodnight to them. He nodded and kissed me on the lips before going into our room and closing the door. I then walked into the nursery and saw Judith was in a peaceful sleep. I quietly closed the door behind me, and carefully kissed Judith on the forehead. She stirred in her sleep yet didn't wake up, and I covered her in a blanket. I then walked over to the crib and saw Georgia was awake, so I picked her up to feed her. I breastfed her until she was full, and spent some time rocking her back and forth until she went to sleep. I quietly put her back in the crib, and then grabbed Lee. He ate a little more than Georgia did, but was still done fairly quickly, so I sat there silently as I rocked him back to sleep. I then heard two pairs of footsteps in the hallways, and I heard Rick's voice speak.
"How'd it happen?" Rick asked.
I heard a quiet sigh, and then their feet shuffled.
"Please tell me." Rick said.
"My mother's dead. She was bit." I heard Saddiq say, and I inhaled a deep breath, preparing myself to hear this too. "I had to watch her die. Not long ago. And she believed people, their souls, were trapped in the bodies of the monsters... that killing the dead let's the living move on into an afterlife... Carl was taking me back to your community, and I told him what my mother believed. And we saw a few of the dead." Saddiq said and then exhaled his breath sharply. "He wanted to honor her. I think he was trying to show me that I could trust him... that's how it happened. He died paying respects to a woman he never knew... But it was dangerous. It was dangerous and I didn't think about that. I should've... but all that's left of the people we lose, what was theirs, are their ideas." Saddiq said.
It then got real quiet and I heard footsteps walking, and then they stopped.
"Thank you." I heard Rick say, before he completely walked away.
I then heard Saddiq walk the opposite direction, and I was still there, rocking back and forth in the chair. I quietly sniffled my nose and looked down at Lee, who was sound asleep, and I kissed his forehead. I then stood up and put Lee back in the crib and left the nursery.
I walked down the hallway back to my room, replaying all of Saddiq's words in my head... And I thought to myself, that he was right. All I have left of Carl, my son who I've lost forever, is his idea. An idea that I've shown today... forgiveness.