A Survivor's Diary of the Apocalypse (TWD/Daryl Dixon)

S8Pt7 - Carl

Muffled explosions and gunshots went off above ground. I looked up, but then automatically looked at Carl. He was looking at Rick, and didn't say a thing.
Carl was getting worse. The fever set in, he was sweating, and turning pale. It was only a matter of time.
"I— I don't.." Rick began to say.
"Dad." Carl whispered.
"How.." Rick then said, his voice cracking.
"Dad." Carl said. "...it's all right. It's gotta be."
We were quiet and Carl was breathing heavy. I uncovered my mouth and touched Carl's face, making him look at me.
"I wasn't... sure if you'd be back before... but just in case, you know..." Carl said and pulled out a stack of papers. "I wanted to make sure I was able to say goodbye."
His eyes were watering as he gave the paper to me with shaky hands. I looked down and took them from him, and saw the top one had Rick's name on it.
"Goodbye...." I said in disbelief and closed my eyes, my tears landing on the letters.
"It was them." Rick then started to say. "It— it was them. They're..." Rick said and looked up.
"Dad.." Carl said.
"Carl...." I cried softly.
"It was—" Rick said.
"No." Carl then said. "I got bit. I was bringing someone back. His name's Siddiq. We saw him at that gas station before... it wasn't the Saviors. It just happened."
"Just happ—" I said and shook my head. "Oh no Carl..." I began to breakdown and cry.
"I got bit." Carl said one last time. "Can I lay down?" He asked.
Rick just nodded and asked for a cot. Siddiq gave us one and I helped Rick lay Carl down. I gently placed his head on a jacket and pet his head.
"Is that better?" I asked and tried not to cry.
"Yeah..." He said and slowly closed his eyes. "Thanks."
"I—I got these." We heard Siddiq say and pull out a plastic bag. "They're over the counter, non steroidal, anti inflammatories. They'll help— a little with the fever..." He said and his voice started breaking. "They did for my mom and dad... please take them."
I was silent and held Carl's hand, who was holding mine back.
"Your son... he should have them." Siddiq said.
Rick sighed and took the medicine. "You're a doctor."
"I was a resident... before. Yeah." He said.
"Your names Siddiq?" Rick asked.
"Yes." He said.
"Did you know he was a doctor?" Rick then asked Carl. "Is that why you brought him back?"
"He wasn't going to make it alone." Carl said. "He needed us... that's why."
Rick just nodded and bowed his head and whispered to himself. "He was the one at the gas station..."
Bombs went off again and loose dirt and rocks began to fall. Rick bent over Carl to protect him and Carl started coughing.
"Water." I managed to say. "Get him water."
Siddiq gave me a bottle of water and I gave it to Rick who helped Carl take the medicine.
"Slowly.. slowly." Rick said as Carl drank.
Carl was grunting in pain and I couldn't bear it anymore. I stood up and locked eyes with the one guy who I thought could do something. More explosions shook the ground as I walked over everybody. I had tunnel vision as I stomped over to Dwight and instantly pinned him against the wall.
"Make it stop!" I said.
"I can't." Dwight said, but he didn't resist against me.
"You can." I said.
"I can't." Dwight repeated.
"My son is dying over there!" I cried and grabbed Dwight's shirt and slammed him against the wall again. "You have to make it stop! You have to... he's dying." I said and looked over at Rick and Carl.
The muffled explosions continued and I let go of Dwight.
"You were one of them..." I cried. "Please."
Dwight was just silent and watched me cry.
"Please!" I begged.
Rosita then quietly stood up and walked over to me. She rested her hand on my shoulder and I stepped back.
"Hilltop is safe, right?" Rosita asked Dwight. "Then we can go there. Get Carl there." She told me.
"They all think you left, they're searching out there right now." Dwight said.
"They think we went west. We don't go west." Tara said.
"The best chance you have is staying here." Dwight said.
"No." Daryl then spoke up, and he was now holding only Georgia. "If they find us down here, we're dead."
"They're almost done. They gotta be." Dwight said. "It wasn't about destroying the place. They don't have the ammo for that. After they let up, after they're gone, that's when we go."
The explosions continued and it seemed like this nightmare would never end. I slowly walked back over to Carl and knelt down next to him.
"You sure the Hilltop is where you wanna go?" Dwight then asked. "All of you, together..?"
"All of us, together." Daryl interjected. "Will be their goddamn worse nightmare."
I just sighed and caressed Carl's cheek and his eyes opened. "You left." He quietly said. "You should've been resting."
"I'm wasn't tired. I'm not." I said.
"I can tell. You look great." Carl tried to joke and softly chuckled.
I tried to smile for him and nodded. "You don't look bad either." I said, but my voice cracked.
Carl swallowed a dry cough and looked at me. "It's gotta stop Kelley. It's not supposed to be like this. I know it can be better."
I just nodded and Rick grabbed Carl's other hand. Everything then got really quiet and we heard trucks driving around above ground.
"Sounds like they're letting up." Dwight said.
"You're right." Rosita said. "They're leaving."
"Maybe." Daryl said. He then walked over to Rick who picked up Judith that was next to Daryl's leg. "Want me to go up there and look?"
Rick whispered to Judith and rested her against his chest. Daryl patted Rick's shoulder and then looked down at me, then Carl. Daryl squeezed my shoulder and then left with a small group to leave the sewer.
The rest of the group was getting ready to go to Hilltop, but I didn't move.
"Kelley." Rick then said.
I bowed my head and squeezed Carl's hand before standing up. I walked over to Rick and he was holding Judith and waiting for me.
"I can't leave..." He said.
"I can't either..." I agreed.
"You know what that means?" Rick said, and his voice broke again.
"I do." I nodded and choked back my tears.
Daryl then came back and stood next to us with Michonne.
"The Saviors are gone. It's clear." Daryl said.
"Oh..." I sighed and rubbed my forehead, and let out a cry.
"We can get to the Hilltop. Carl can go." Michonne said.
"Carl. No." Rick then said.
"Daryl can get one of the cars." Michonne said.
"Carl won't make—" Rick began to say. "He can't leave here. I have to stay with him."
"Rick..." Michonne said.
"He can't." Rick said. "I have to stay."
"I'm staying too." I said, and both Michonne and Daryl looked at me. "I can't leave— him. I can't..." I managed to say.
"Will you—" Rick then asked. "Will you take Judith. She needs to be there. If she..." Rick began to cry. "If... it happens..." He cried and choked on his own words.
"I'll take her." Daryl said.
We looked at him and he nodded, then looked at Michonne. "We'll take all of them. I'll get them there. I'll keep them safe. I got this." Daryl said.
"Let me say goodbye." We heard Carl say.
Rick walked over with Judith and I helped Carl sit up on the cot. Judith sat in Rick's lap and looked at Carl, who breathed in sharply.
"You be good okay? For Kelley. For Dad. You gotta honor him. Listen when he tells you stuff. You don't have to always. Sometimes kids got to show their parents the way. You're the oldest sibling now, you have to look after the rest, keep them close, don't ever let them go...." Carl said and took a deep breath and grabbed his sheriffs hat. "This was Dad's before it was mine. Now it's yours." Carl sniffled and wiped his tears before giving Judith the hat, which she took.
Rick was looking away and trying not to cry, and I was silently sobbing with my head bowed.
"I don't know, just... just having it and.. it always kept Dad with me. It made me feel as strong as him... it helped me." Carl told Judith. "Maybe it'll help you too... Before Mom died, she told me I was going to beat this world. I didn't... but you will."
Judith then softly whined and looked down at the ground.
"You will. I know you will." Carl lastly said.
Judith reached out for Carl and started crying, and that's when Rick gave her to Daryl.
"Here we go Judy. Shh." Daryl tried to calm her down, but she kept crying.
I kept my head bowed and shook my head, and it broke me to hear Carl's words to his sister. Daryl then looked at Carl who managed to look up at him.
"These people." He told Carl. "You saved them all. That's all you man." Daryl said, and I saw him holding back his own tears.
Daryl then turned around with Michonne and took the kids. By this point, everyone else had left, and Siddiq was the last one.
"You helped me honor my mom..." Siddiq then said and sat down in front of Carl.
"Not just yours." Carl then said. "Mine, too. Both of them."
"You brought me here. You gave me a chance. I know I can never repay you... but I can honor you by showing your people, your f-friends, your— your family that what you did wasn't for nothing. That it mattered."
Siddiq looked up at Rick and then over to me, and all he saw was tears streaming down my face.
"It meant something... because it did. So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna honor you, Carl." He said.
Carl managed a smile and nodded at the stranger. He then breathed deeply and raised up his hand. Siddiq took it and shook his hand.
"Congratulations." Carl said. "You're stuck with us."
Siddiq nodded and then slowly got up with a shaky breath. He then locked eyes with Rick and left the sewers silently, leaving just me and Rick alone with Carl.
I laid Carl back down on the cot and I saw the tears streaming down his face. I wiped his tears away and he silently looked up at me. I then brushed his hair to the side and felt his forehead, which was burning hot.
Rick sat down at the front of the cot and kissed Carl's head and put his hand on Carl's shoulder in silence. I grabbed a towel and tried to wipe away Carl's sweat but my hand was shaking too bad.
He then cleared his throat and turned his head towards me.
"You okay?" I quietly asked him.
"I don't want you to be sad after this." He began to say.
I just bowed my head and resting my forehead in the palm of my hand. "Carl." I sighed.
"Or angry." He said. "You're gonna have to be strong. For my Dad. For Judith and Lee, and now little Georgie. You have to."
I just cried and closed my eyes, because I couldn't bare to look at Carl.
"For yourself." Carl finished.
I slowly opened my eyes and looked at Carl who smiled up at me. "Do it for yourself too." He repeated.
I looked over at Rick who's eyes were glistening with tears. I then looked back down at Carl and nodded.
"I will." I managed to say.
Carl shook his head at me and more tears streamed down his cheeks. "Don't carry this. Not this part.... You're my mother, Kelley." Carl cried.
I took in a deep breath and nodded back at Carl. "You're my son." I said, and my voice cracked. "I'm so proud to call you my son."
I grabbed Carl's hand and kissed it, holding it tight in my hand. Rick then tapped my shoulder and I looked at him.
"I need your help." Rick said and looked at Carl. "We have to get him out of here."
I nodded and I helped Rick sit Carl up. He groaned in pain, and I apologized the whole way to the ladder. Rick went up first, pulling Carl up the ladder, and I was behind him pushing him up. We made it to the surface eventually, but it was no better than down there.
The buildings and trees were on fire. It was dark, hot, and smoky. Rick wrapped one of Carl's arms around his neck and I got the other side. Together we walked Carl across the street and he softly groaned. I held back my tears as Carl kept groaning and mumbling incoherently in pain.
"We have to stop." I panted and told Rick.
"The house up ahead." Rick said and looked straight. "We can make it."
"It's okay." Carl said. "It's okay. Put me down here."
"No, we'll make it." Rick cried.
"Please." Carl whispered.
"Carl..." I then said, and then saw a small shed that was closer. "There."
Rick and I struggled to get to the shed, but we did and laid him inside. Carl was breathing heavily on the floor and we knelt down next to him.
"Thanks... for— for getting me here." Carl said to us.
"I'm— I'm sorry." Was all Rick could say. "I just. I-I I didn't want you out there."
"No Dad." Carl then said. "For getting me here. For— for making it so I could be who— who I wound up."
Rick slowly nodded and grabbed his son's hand. Carl took in a shallow breath.
"Back at the prison, when we got attacked... there was a kid. A little older than me. He had a gun. He was— he was starting to put it down and I- I.. I just shot him. He was giving it up— and I shot him." Carl said. "I think about him. What I did to him and how— how easy it was to just kill him."
"Carl." Rick said and leaned over him. "No. No. What happened... what you'd lost, all those things you had to... those things you had to do.. all—al—all of it, you-you we're just a boy."
"And you saw it." Carl said. "What it did. How— how easy it got... that's why you changed. Why you brought those people from Woodbury in. You brought them in and we all lived together."
The sun finally broke through the smoke and peered through the wood gaps of the building.
"We were enemies." Carl continued. "You put away your gun. You did it so I could change, so I could be who I am now. What you did then— how—how you stopped fighting. It was right... it still is. It can be like that again. You can still be like that again."
"I can't be.. who I was. It's different now." Rick tried to say.
"You can't kill all of them Dad. There's gotta be something after. For you... and for them. There's gotta be something after."
I just sighed and pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my head in my lap. I quietly sobbed and tried to take deep breaths.
"I know... you can't see it yet... how it could be." Carl said. "But I have.... You have a beard. It's— it's bigger," Carl said and softly chuckled. "and grey. Michonne is with you, Judith is bigger. She's listening to the songs that I used to before. Kelley is with Daryl, who became timid with age," he said and smiled at me. "One of those dads that would barbecue on the weekends..."
I lowered my knees and listened to Carl, who was still smiling.
"He's playing catch with Lee in the front yard. You're braiding Georgie's hair. And now Alexandria is bigger. There's new houses... crops... and people working. Together. Everybody living. Helping everybody else live." Carl then took a deep breath and look back at Rick. "If you can be who you were, that's how it could be... it could."
"Carl." Rick said quietly. "It was all for you. Right from the start. Back in Atlanta, the farm— everything I did, it was for you. And then at the prison, it was for you and Judith. It still is. It's gonna be. And nothing— nothing is gonna change that."
Rick caressed Carl's cheek and he nodded. "I want this for you Dad." Carl said.
Rick titled his head and leaned in to Carl. "I'm gonna make it real, Carl." Rick said. "Carl, I promise. I'm gonna make it real."
"I'm— I'm sorry." I then said, and crawled closer to Carl. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you... from this. That was my job. That- That's what your mother told me to do..." I quietly said, and softly cried. "And I-I-I didn't."
"Love." Carl said. "It's just to love. That's what you do. That's what you have always done for— us. All of us."
"I love you Carl." I cried.
"I love you Kelley." He said. "You really have become my mother. Thank you..." Carl then sighed and looked at Rick. "I love you Dad."
Carl then unclipped his gun from his holster and me and Rick instantly froze. Then Rick started shaking his head.
"No. No." Rick said.
"Carl.." I said. "It- It— It should be—"
"I know. I know." Carl said and started shaking his head. "Somebody you love... when you can't do it yourself. But I still can...." Carl said and his voice started to break. "I grew up Kelley."
"Too quickly, my love." I said and touched his head.
"I have to do this." Carl then said. "Me."
Rick started crying and covered his face with both hands. I just bent over Carl and hugged him with my one arm. He rested his cheek against me and took a deep breath.
"Oh, I love you." He said slowly.
"I love you too." I cried.
I sat up and he looked at Rick, who finally hugged him. Carl finally let out a deep sob and managed to hug Rick back. "I love you Dad." He cried.
"I love you son." Rick cried. "I love you, Carl. So very much. I love you." He said and then whispered to Carl. "I'll make it real. I will. I will.... I will."
We both slowly got up at the same time and left Carl lying in the middle of the floor. I walked out of the building backwards, not wanting to leave Carl, but knew it was time to go. Rick sat on the porch of the shed and I stood next to him, and we both looked out at the ruins of Alexandria. He rested his forehead in the palm of his hands, and looked up when we heard the silenced gunshot. I flinched at the subtle noise, and knew he was actually, and finally, gone.
Rick bowed his head and started silently crying and I just walked. My body forced me to move forwards, and I couldn't accept it.
"No.." I mumbled. I walked a few more crooked steps and my tears blurred my vision. "No... no.. no." I said and fell to my knees. I held my chest and let out my deepest cry from the bottom of my heart. "NO!"
I-I-I lost him... I actually... lost Carl. My son, was, dead.