A Survivor's Diary of the Apocalypse (TWD/Daryl Dixon)

S8Pt8 - What's In The Letter

I helped Rick bury Carl, and it was morning by the time he was in the ground. I was silent as we finished and just looked at Rick. We were out of tears to cry, but we still felt the pain. I knew it would never go away.
I opened my arms and hugged Rick, who hugged me back tightly. I took a deep breath and patted his back. I then heard the moans of walkers, and groups of them were starting to flood the street.
"We gotta go." I said. "We gotta... make things right. For Carl."
Rick nodded at the walkers and then looked down at me. "Yeah. Yeah, okay. Let's go." Rick said.
He found us the closest van and drove us out of Alexandria. Behind us, our home was a mess. Buildings were still burning, and the growls of the dead were filling the air. Walkers flooded the streets and chased us out of our home. It was gone. All gone...
Rick wiped his nose and a few more tears before clearing his throat. "What do you think he meant?"
I stayed quiet and still couldn't accept it.
"Did he want us to stop fighting the Saviors?" Rick asked me. "Just... surrender to Negan?"
I looked at Rick and just sighed, wiping my eyes that were still dry from crying too much. I then looked down and remembered the letters that Carl gave me. I sorted through a couple, seeing Rick's name and mine, and I stopped myself.
"We can pull over..." I said quietly, then looked over at Rick. "We could read what he wrote."
"No." Rick interrupted me. "Not yet. Not me." He said and looked ahead.
I sniffled and then finished looking through the stack. There was one for Michonne, Maggie, even his girlfriend Enid, and... one for Negan.
"Rick." I said, and pulled out the letter from the stack. "He— Carl, he... wrote a letter to Negan."
Rick didn't look at me and kept on driving, then breathed in sharply. "I need to talk to Jadis."
"What?" I asked. "Now?"
"They have weapons... people. We can't just give that up." He said.
"But, why now?" I asked again.
"They went with me to the Sanctuary. The Saviors saw us there. They're gonna be a target too." He said and looked over at me, but I was shaking my head. "We still need them. They're ours, not theirs."
I just shook my head. "I can't." I said and held back a cry. "I can't go with you. Please.... Just take me to Hilltop."
"Kelley." Rick said.
"Take me there." I said and unintentionally raised my voice, then lowered it. "Please... just." I said and waved my hand forwards.
Rick nodded and sighed and rubbed his forehead, and sniffled back his own tears. "Okay."

~~~~~~~~~~

Rick dropped me off at the gates of the Hilltop and drove away to find the Scavengers. The gates opened for me and I walked myself in. I saw the first person and went up to them.
"Where Enid?" I asked.
"Up top the hill." He said and pointed at the main building.
"Maggie and Michonne there too?" I asked.
He just nodded and I nodded back in thanks, then walked up the hill. I bowed my head and kept replaying everything last thing Carl said. I missed his voice already, and his smile... I couldn't believe he was gone.
I reached the doors to the building when they opened in front of me and I saw Enid and Maggie standing there. They saw my condition and Maggie held my shoulders.
"Kelley..." She said.
"He— He's... Carl's dead." I said, my voice barely reaching a whisper. "My—my— my son, he's gone."
"What?" Enid then asked, and tears swelled in her eyes.
I looked over at her with sadness, and that's when she started shaking. I turned to her and hugged her, and she dropped to the ground. She cried in my arms and just held her.
"I'm sorry..." I said and pet her hair. "I'm so sorry."
She grabbed my arm and held on tight, and let out all her sobs. She let go of me when she was done and I held her face, then I pulled out her letter.
"Carl... he wrote this for you— cause he didn't have the time to say, goodbye." I said and sadly shook my head.
She took the letter with a shaky hand, and stared at her name written in Carl's writing. I then caressed her cheek and stood us up. She wiped her tears and walked away to be alone, still staring at the letter. I then turned to Maggie and hand her Carl's letter to her.
She just sighed and took the letter, and sniffled back her tears. "How'd it happen?" She asked me sadly, then looked up at me. "Was it..."
"Negan.." I finished, and she nodded. "No," I said, and she held her chest. "He got bit... fought for as long as he could. Saved the people at Alexandria... and then—"
Maggie nodded and squeezed the letter, and then opened her arms to me. I slowly walked forwards and hugged her, and it took everything in me not to cry. She rubbed my back and I felt my silent tears stream down my face and land on her shoulder.
"I am so sorry Kelley... I know what he meant to you." Maggie said.
I just bit my lip and held back my cry. I just nodded and hugged her tighter. "He had a dream.. of what he wanted us to be. To become..." I said, and pulled back out of the hug and looked Maggie in the eyes. "I'll honor that... for him."
Maggie just nodded at me and I bowed my head. I took a step backwards and then turned around to walk away, then saw Michonne. We met each other and I held out the letter quietly. She silently took it and ran her finger over Carl's handwriting.
"He grew up to be a good man..." Michonne said and a tear rolled down her cheek.
I just nodded and wiped away my own. "Rick— he umm, went to go talk to Jadis." I said, and Michonne looked up at me. "Take a car, go with him... he's gonna need you.. just to be there."
Michonne nodded and looked past me and into the distance. She then nodded behind me, and I turned around to see Daryl watching me.
"I should..." I began to say, and felt my emotions starting to rise. "I gotta... go." I finished.
I covered my eyes before turning around and walking over to Daryl. He waited patiently for me, and once I got up to him, I grabbed his hand and had him follow me behind one of the mobile homes. I then let go of his hand, and then just stood there and stared at the wall.
Daryl let me be silent, he let me stand there, and just having him there was enough for me. I then covered my eyes with my hand and started sobbing again. My knees buckled under me and I kneeled on the ground. I bent forwards and cried, and that's when Daryl approached me. He grabbed my shoulders with his hands and rubbed them, trying his best to comfort me while staying quiet. I was visibly shaking uncontrollably, and that's when Daryl pulled me up and held me tight in his arms. I grabbed onto his shirt and cried into his chest, and he rocked me back and forth.
"My— my, s— C—Carl... he's dead.... he's really dead." I cried.
"Carl..." Daryl said, and I heard him sniffle. "He was a great kid. Because of you." Daryl told me.
I just cried some more and shook my head. I was heartbroken, exhausted, depressed. I felt so guilty, like I was to blame for his death, and then I remembered his letter.
I slowly stopped crying, but still had tears rushing down my face. I then pulled his letter out and stared at my name on the front side. I took a deep breath and grabbed the corner of the paper, and unfolded it. The first word I read was "Mom".
"Ohh...." I softly cried and shook my head.
Daryl rubbed my back and kissed the back of my head, and I took a deep breath before continuing reading.
"— Mom
It's about time I call you that, after everything you've done for me, for our family, though it may be crazy at times.
I remember back at the farm, after I got shot, you came into my room and sat next to me. You held my hand so tight, and told me that I was a survivor. You said, "You are already so strong. This will only make you stronger", and now I want to tell you that too. This... this will make you stronger, I know it.
In that moment, you made me feel so safe. I want to make you feel safe too, mom. I want you to feel just like I felt when you held my hand. Just to feel that way for five minutes, I'd give anything to make you feel that way now.
I wanted to kill Negan. I wish I did, maybe it would have been done. I don't think it's done now. You went out there again, but I don't think they surrendered. I don't think they will surrender. There are workers in there, mom. They're just regular people — old people, young people. Families. Kids, babies, like little Georgie. You don't want them to die, mom.
We're so close to starting everything over, and we have friends now to help. The bigger world Jesus talked about, the Kingdom, the Hilltop, there's gotta be more places, more people out there, a chance for everything to change and keep changing — everyone giving everyone the opportunity to have a life, a real life. It can go back to how things used to be, back to birthdays, and school, and jobs. Maybe even back to Friday night pizza and Sunday night football.
With this war going on, with Negan and the Saviors, and us and Dad, it will tear us apart. It will kill us. It has to stop, it has to end while there is still time. So, if they won't end it, you have to. You have to give them a way out.
You have to find peace with Negan. Find a way forward somehow. We don't have to forget what happened, but you can make it so that it won't happen again. Don't let us forget who we are. We are still people, not soldiers, not monsters, but people. Show them that nobody has to live this way, that every life is worth living. Start everything over. Show everyone that they can be safe again without killing. They can feel safe again.
I'm going to be honest with you, I am scared. I know I am going to die, it's inevitable. But I want you to know, that what happened was an accident. I saved a man, Saddiq, he's a doctor, and intelligent, and trustworthy. I did the right thing, helping him, because that's what we do. That's what we should be doing. Helping others survive.
After I'm gone, I don't want you to be angry. I don't want you to be sad. I don't want this to make you cold, because you are what keeps this group warm. After everything, I know you still love and hope and dream, and you can still give that same love, hope, and dreams to others who need it.
We need you, so don't let this shut you down. Judith needs you, Lee needs you, Georgie, Daryl, my dad. Hell, I need you right now... but you'll be back soon enough. Just in case you aren't back in time and I don't make it, this is my goodbye.
I love you Mom. We'll see each other again one day.
— Carl."
I slowly folded the paper closed and handed it to Daryl so he could read it too. I stared straight at the wall and new tears streamed down my cheeks. Daryl finished reading the letter and sighed, before setting it down in front of us.
"Do you think he's right?" I then asked Daryl.
"What do you mean?" Daryl asked.
He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, and I turned my head. I looked him in the eyes, my own eyes glossed over with tears, and he caressed my cheek.
"That we can change things? Make things how they were before, and we can start over... and stop killing." I said, and took a deep breath. "Because I want that."
Daryl just nodded and looked into my eyes and then slightly nodded. "It's possible. But it's still gonna cost us something. We still have to fight for that." He said.
I just slowly nodded and looked at the letter again, and then grabbed it and put it in my pocket. I just sighed and wiped my eyes and took another deep breath, letting out all my grief inside of me.
I see it now... Carl was right. I can't let his death be the reason I quit, but instead it will be the reason why I continue. I will carry on for him, and make sure his dream comes true. No matter the cost from now until then, I will make us a place where we are safe, where there is no more fighting, and where everyone gets a chance at a normal life. And yes, I mean everyone.