A Survivor's Diary of the Apocalypse (TWD/Daryl Dixon)

S9Pt21 - Smoking Cigarettes

Daryl's P.O.V

The gates of Hilltop were opened for me and I walked on inside with my head down. It was hard being back after what happened. It's been so long but I still remembered that last day with Kell, and it's been haunting me ever since.
So many things happened.
So many things were said.
So many things I couldn't take back.
Once I got news from Michonne and Rosita that she disappeared, I didn't know how to take it. I didn't understand, so naturally my first reaction was to react with anger. I fought with them, I yelled at them, and Rosita ended up slapping me and Michonne kicked me out.
I left the group once again, for several months, until Carol found me out in the wild. For a long time, it was just me and Dog, but Carol convinced me to join the group again. I didn't want to show my face at Alexandria, so I decided to stay at the Hilltop. Still, nothing felt normal anymore, and without Kell or the kids, and without Rick, I felt I was at my lowest. At this point, I've lost everyone that I ever loved, and it was all my fault.
Today, Aaron found me hunting alone outside the walls with Dog. I couldn't find anything to hunt, so I sat down in the dirt and leaned my back up against a tree.
"What are you doing out here?" Aaron asked as he came closer.
"Supposed to be huntin' but there's nothing out here." I said and picked up a twig and threw it, and Dog went to chase it. "It's bullshit."
Aaron nodded and crossed his arms quietly, and I couldn't help but stare at his prosthetic arm. Every time I saw it I was reminded of Kell, and I never could understand how it made me feel.
"Why'd you follow me out here?" I then asked him.
"I didn't follow you." Aaron said and began shaking his head.
"Dude." I said and tilted my head at him. "You're a shitty liar." I said and shook my head.
Aaron just sighed and scoffed at himself. "Yeah, yeah I know." He then nodded and looked at me. "Okay. I'm worried about you man."
"Well don't be." I said, and Dog finally came back with the twig and dropped it next to me. "I'm fine. We're fine." I said and pet his head.
"Really? When's the last time you ate?" Aaron asked.
"Dog ate yesterday." I said.
"I asked about you." Aaron said, and I shrugged my shoulders. "Come on man, I know you're not okay." He said to me.
I then glared up at him and threw up my hands. "So what if I'm not okay. No one's ever is." I raised my voice.
Aaron just stared at me with his arms crossed, and I began to get upset. I then stood back up and approached Aaron, standing only a few inches from his chest. I looked him in the eyes and bumped his chest with my own, but he stood firm with his arms still crossed. My attempt to intimidate him failed, and I just scoffed at myself as I backed away.
"I'm a fucking asshole." I said and shook my head. "No wonder she fucking left me."
"Yeah, no shit." Aaron said, and then realized what he just said to me.
"Is this your idea of helping me? Because it's not working?" I asked and cocked my head in annoyance.
"Sorry man... Hey, listen." Aaron said and then pointed his prosthetic arm at me. "You know what you gotta do?" He said.
"What?" I sighed.
"Go out there and find her. Make things right." Aaron said. "Apologize. Beg on your knees. I don't care. Just get her back man. I'm tired of seeing you mope around the place all depressed and shit. Seriously, it's starting to make me depressed."
"Well, she made it pretty clear she wants nothing to do with me." I said and shook my head. "And it's all my fault."
"Then fix it Daryl." Aaron told me. "You're the only one that can."
I silently looked back at Aaron, and a part of me knew he was right. I wanted to believe him, I wanted to do what he said, but I felt stuck. I thought about how I wasn't able to find Rick for years on end, and I had no faith anymore in my ability to try and find Kell this time.
"Daryl. If you really want it, you can do it." Aaron then said. "Nothing's stopping you but you. You need to get over this."
The more Aaron spoke, the more I knew he was right. I began nodding at him in agreement and he uncrossed his arms in surprise.
"Yeah." I said and nodded my head firmly. "Yeah, you're right."
"Go find Kelley..." Aaron said. "Go get your family back man."
"I will." I responded back.
I then instantly turned around to walk back to the Hilltop. I was going to grab my things, get Dog, and start searching again. 
I told myself that I was was going to leave in search of Kell. If it was the last thing I ever do, I was going to find her and the kids and do my damn best to make things right. I had to do this. I didn't have any other choice, because it was either this or I spend the rest of my life regretting everything I've ever done. After all, they were my only reason to live anymore. No matter what, they were my family, and I hated myself for losing that understanding along the way. I wasn't only doing this for them, but for me. I needed them. I never wanted to admit that again, because I always thought I was just asking for pain and disappointment, but I was so wrong. I needed to get them back so bad, so that's what I was going to do.