A Survivor's Diary of the Apocalypse (TWD/Daryl Dixon)

S9Pt14 - Between A Rock and A Hard Place

Daryl's P.O.V

I was instantly regretting my decision as soon as I watched Kell disappear from view. Deep down inside of me, I wanted to chase after her, but something still held me back. I couldn't give up looking for Rick yet.
"If I stopped now, who would I be? It wasn't right. Rick wouldn't stop looking. I know he'd do the same for me... He's my brother."

~~~~~~~~~~

The next couple days passed and I busied myself with gathering supplies and hunting. Dog kept me company as we wandered alone together. Even though I had him for years now, it just didn't feel the same anymore. Not ever since Kell. When she left I realized how much I really missed her voice, and her smile, and her body. Everything from that night has been replaying in my head, and I couldn't turn it off. It made me lose focus, I couldn't keep track of anything, and I couldn't decide whether to be upset or angry.
I took Dog out for a walk this morning to get some fresh air and scout the area. I started at my feet as we walked through the forest, and I realized how slow I was moving. My feet felt as heavy as bricks, and my arms barely wanted to lift my crossbow. I had no sense of anything as I began to think about Kell again... and the kids.
"What am I doing out here?" I asked myself. "Why are you still here?"
As I was lost in my thoughts, Dog was sniffing the ground and then ran ahead of me. I paid no attention until he snapped me out of my daze as he barked loudly. I snapped my head up as I saw he was barking at a walker coming straight for us. I just sighed and held up my crossbow to kill it. I shot my arrow and it went straight into its neck, missing its head. I then huffed in annoyance as I pulled out my knife with my other hand and ran towards the walker. It reached out to grab me, but I swung my arm up and quickly stabbed it in the head. The body fell to the ground, and all of a sudden I started kicking the shit out of it.
"You piece of shit, good for nothing, rotten bitch." I grunted as I kicked its body.
I finally stopped when Dog barked at me and sat down. I just sighed and wiped my face, taking a deep breath to try and calm myself down, but at this point I knew nothing would.
"Kell is the only one who could calm me down, but I let her walk out the fucking door." I thought to myself angrily.
I instantly hiked back to the cabin, and once I got inside I stomped across the floor to the table and slammed the front door closed behind me. I leaned my crossbow against the wall and kicked the couch in front of me out of frustration. Dog quietly laid down by my crossbow and watched me as I paced the room.
I then pulled out my map I kept and opened it, laying it flat on the table. I leaned over the table and stared at the map, and grunted in annoyance. I grabbed a pen and began marking places on the map where I've searched so far for Rick.
I needed to try and distract myself so I began crossing out more places on the map. I eventually crossed out the nearby town which I finished clearing this morning because I knew for sure that Rick wasn't there. At the end I noticed that there were only a handful of cities left in Virginia that I haven't searched, and realized I've almost covered the entire state.
"If Rick's not here.. where the hell could he be?" I thought to myself. "Dead." I then thought, and shook my head. "Shut up." I muttered under my breath.
I then drew a couple question marks by places I wanted to revisit, just to make sure he wasn't really there. All of a sudden I realized that all the places I wanted to revisit were going back towards Alexandria. Back closer to home... closer to the kids and Kell...
It seemed like no matter what I wanted to do, I was always leading myself back towards them. I wanted to go back, but another part of me longed to stay out here away from everyone. I missed my family, they are all I have, but I'm so scared of losing them too...
I stared at the map once again as all these pitiful thoughts ran through my head, and then I felt a rush of anger hit me.
"Damn it!" I yelled and threw the pen across the room.
I then grabbed one of the chairs and threw it against the wall, breaking its legs and it crumbled to the ground. Dog pricked up his ears and watched me, and I started breathing heavily.
I couldn't stop thinking about Kell. And the kids, I couldn't forget about the kids. I couldn't stop thinking about what Kell said about Lee. He thinks I'm dead. Just like Kell thought about me.
"My own son thinks I'm dead, too." I thought.
She was right. All I've done is hurt them. I left them and been alone out here for years now. Never gave any notice, never really came back, and I was just gone. I began to wonder if the kids even remembered me anymore. Would they even know who I am if I went back home? After everything I've done, I told myself I'm no better than my own father for what I've done. "Kell was right about that, too."
But I can't stop looking. Rick has to be out here. Fuck, even if he was dead, I should at least be able to find his body. But there's been nothing! Four years and there has been nothing seen of Rick. It pissed me off. I'm a hunter, a tracker, I know what I'm doing. I supposed to know what I'm doing.
"So why the hell can't I find him?" I angrily asked myself inside my head.
I then walked over to my bag and pulled out a journal I kept, and then I picked up the pen I threw. I stood in the middle of the floor and opened the journal to the next blank page, and began writing those last places I needed to check.
"Come on... damn it, focus." I thought to myself as I scribbled down notes, trying to distract myself again.
My hand then froze as all my thoughts flooded my memories and I could hear the voices of everyone I've been thinking about. I then saw Rick. I saw Kell. Lee, Georgia, Judith. Hearing their voices in the back of my mind made me remember how I felt I belonged when I was with them. I remembered everyone who's still alive, and then everyone we've lost. It was so much to remember, and I hated it.
"Aaaaghhhhh!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.
I instantly tightened my grip on the journal and began ripping out the pages. I noticed certain words that I've wrote as I pulled out the paper, and they only made me more upset. Once all the pages were ripped out and scattered all over the floor, I threw the tattered journal across the room.
I just stared at the floor as I caught my breath, finally noticing that my eyes were watering. I instantly wiped my eyes and sniffled my nose, and looked back up to clear my throat. I then randomly thought of an idea, and froze at the realization.
"Compromise..." I thought. "I need to go back, but Rick... Ugh, I'll go back, after I search the rest the state. If he's not there... Just go back... but go back to Kell, now."
I instantly started moving again, only grabbing my crossbow and backpack, and then pulled open the front door. I finally have a plan, and it starts now.
"Come on." I told Dog, who just barked and followed behind me.
I didn't look back as I walked away from the cabin. I had only one thought on my mind, and that was Alexandria. Once I get there, I'll talk to Kell and see my kids, and then I will begin my final search. After that, I was done looking for Rick. I had to be. I'd tell Kell what I said I would do, and hopefully she'll understand. Maybe she'll trust me just one more time, even though she has every right not to. But, I'll make it up to her and to the kids, because this time was definitely the last time. Nothing was going to keep me from coming back to them this time.
"I'm sorry brother." I then thought to myself. "But I can't lose them, too."
That is, if I haven't lost them already...