A Survivor's Diary of the Apocalypse (TWD/Daryl Dixon)

S9Pt12 - Give and Take

I woke up covered with a sheet I don't remember being on the bed, and I imagined Daryl put it on me last night. I looked around the bed and saw that everything, clothes and pillows, were on the floor. The sun was out this morning but it still felt cold. I also noticed that Daryl wasn't in the bed, but I was used to that by now. I stretched as I got up and began picking up my clothes. I then glanced at myself in a tall mirror in the corner of my room, and stared at my naked body. I first looked at my neck where I saw a faint discoloration from Daryl's hand last night, and gently caressed the marks he gave me. I then turned around and saw my asscheeks were bright red and his hand prints were left behind. I sighed to myself as I slowly put my clothes back on. I then combed my fingers through my hair and as I lowered my hand, I glanced down at my wedding ring. I tilted my hand and diamond sparkled in the sunlight.
"Is now the right time?" I thought to myself, and then looked at myself in the mirror and nodded. "Yeah..."
I sighed and then I used my teeth to help slide the ring off my finger. I held it up in between my fingers and admired it, remembering all that it stood for, before I put it away in my pocket.
I then left the bedroom and walked into the living room to see Daryl sitting in front of the fire place, watching a log he just threw in start to burn.
"Morning." I said and leaned forwards against the couch.
He turned around and saw me, then stretched as he stood up. He then waved me over and I followed him back to the table. He pulled out a chair for me, and I sat down, then he pushed me back in. He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a plate for me, and I watched as he put some food on it.
"The jerky is old, but the apples and meat is fresh. Got it this morning." He said and also grabbed me a water bottle.
"Thank you." I said, and honestly I was a little surprised.
Daryl nodded and put the plate down in front of me. I slowly started eating as he made himself a plate, and once he finished he actually sat next to me this time. I just quietly ate my food and so did Daryl, as I'm sure both of us were still unsure of what to say. I finished eating first and pushed my plate away quietly, and Daryl quickly copied me. I tapped my nails on the table and sighed, and then stopped.
"About last night—" I began to say.
"I'm sorry Kell." Daryl then said.
I just closed my mouth and looked at him, and he was already looking at me. By the tone of his voice, I knew he was genuinely sorry. Not just saying it to say it, but after last night, we finally saw each other again. I nodded my head and reached my hand over and grabbed his, and Daryl automatically squeezed my hand.
"I've missed you so much Kell." He said.
I just nodded at him, still not sure of what to say to him. Daryl then grabbed my hand with both of his and kissed it, letting his lips linger on my skin.
"Daryl." I said quietly.
Daryl kissed my hand again and then up looked at me.
"I have to go..." I said and slowly took my hand out of his grasp.
He looked down at the ground as I got up, and I walked over to the door. I put my prosthetic back on, making sure everything was tight and secure and dreaded my next movements as I slung my backpack onto my shoulders and picked up the gas can. I then heard Daryl get up behind me, and then he walked over to stand in front of me. He kept a good distance between us to not seem threatening, but he also blocked the front door from me.
"Kell, just give me a minute." He began to say, but I shook my head sadly.
"I wish I could Daryl." I said and looked up at him with a sad look in my eyes. "But I can't."
I then took a step forwards and Daryl stepped out of my way. With hesitation, he then pushed the dresser, that was blocking the door, to the side and opened the door for me.
I walked forwards out onto the porch and shivered at the cold that touched my skin. I took a deep breath and then breathed out, and I could see my breath in the air because it was so cold. I then put the gas can down and rubbed my hand against my pants to warm it up, and suddenly felt Daryl wrapping his poncho around me. I turned around and Daryl moved his hands to rest on my shoulders, and I looked up at his face.
"Daryl, I can't—you need this." I said and shook my head.
"Take it." Daryl said, and then squeezed my shoulders. "Gives me a reason to come back."
I just shook my head and sighed, tugging at the poncho and realizing it smelled like him. I just closed my eyes and rested my cheek on my shoulder, the fabric instantly warming my face and my senses reminding me of everything I missed about him. I then opened my eyes and looked up at Daryl, already knowing what this meant.
"You're not coming with me, are you?" I quietly asked.
Daryl slowly shook his head and I just bowed my head in defeat. Daryl sighed and rubbed both of my shoulders. I felt myself about to cry and Daryl pulled me in for a hug.
"Please..." I said as I wrapped my arm around him to hug him back. "I need you. I can't do this alone anymore."
"I'll come back." Daryl said and rubbed my back. "But not right now."
"When?" I then cried and looked up at him.
He just stared at me and I shook my head. I took a step out of his grasp and wiped away my tears.
"Stay awhile Kell." He then said, but I just shook my head. "I just got you back." He added.
"I have to get back to Lee and Georgia, Judith..." I sighed. "I can't leave them. Not now." I said.
Daryl just nodded and bowed his head and looked down at the ground, too. I then looked at my pocket and remembered the ring. I've been thinking about doing this for a year now since Daryl left and I came to terms with his disappearance, and right now was as best of a time as any to finish this. I then glanced over at Daryl's hand and saw he still had his ring, and that gave me hope. But just a little, because it didn't stop me.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out the ring, and then reached out for his hand. He opened his hand, thinking I was going to hold it, but instead laid the ring in his hand. He looked up at me as I gently wrapped his fingers around it, and held his fist together. I didn't let go and just stared at the ground, but Daryl started shaking his head at me.
"Kell, wait." Daryl said. "Don't, please—"
"Daryl." I then said, and looked up at him. "Take it... Gives you a reason to come back, right?"
Daryl just nodded and I slowly let go of his hand, which he still had curled up in a fist, holding my ring. I saw his eyes were starting to water, and it took everything in me not to cry.
"I love you." I calmly said, my voice now starting to crack.
Daryl sniffled his nose and wiped his eyes. He then looked to the side, and I gently caressed his cheek. He brought his gaze back to me and I looked into his eyes. I wiped away a tear that was falling down his cheek, just like he always did for me.
"Daryl, baby." I said softly, gently feeling his lower lip. "I love you... so, so much."
"Kell..." He quietly said, finally understanding what what happening.
I blinked away my own tears and shook my head sadly. "I will always love you. No matter how many times we yell, or fight, or anything..." I said.
I slowly slid my hand down his cheek to his neck, grazing my thumb over a hickey I left on him. I then slid my hand down his chest, feeling him one last time before reaching his hand and pulling mine away. Daryl then slowly raised his other hand and caressed my neck when he left marks on from choking me. I brought my hand up to his hand on my neck, and rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb.
"When you're ready, you come back." I then said and we looked each other in the eyes. "You come back."
"I never stopped loving you." He said. "I never stopped loving Lee... and all the kids.. God, I miss you so much."
"We do too." I said.
"I love you Kell.. Tell the kids I love them." Daryl said.
I just nodded and then brushed a piece of hair behind his ear, and softly caressed his cheek again.
"We'll be waiting..." I said and then rested my hand on his cheek. "Just, please Daryl.. come back home."
I then leaned forwards and gently kissed Daryl. I wrapped my arm around his neck and pulled him closer to me, not wanting to let him go...
But I knew I had to.
I hesitantly broke the kiss, then softly pecked his lips with a kiss one more time, and finally took the step back.
"Goodbye... Daryl." I said.
Before giving Daryl the chance to say anything back to me, I quickly grabbed the gas can and turned around, walking away as fast as I could. I lowered my head to rest on my shoulder, feeling Daryl's poncho again, and felt my tears starting to fall.
I didn't want to leave... I wanted nothing more than to stay here with him, to be with him again... but I also didn't want to turn back around. I didn't want Daryl to see me cry, and now wasn't the time. I needed to be strong, and just hope he'd do the right thing. I just have to think about my kids, for they need me the most. And right now, they're still all that I got.