A Survivor's Diary of the Apocalypse (TWD/Daryl Dixon)

S9Pt15 - When The Impossible Happens

"For every action, there's a reaction.
You can choose to do, or not do.
Everything has consequences."

~~~~~~~~~~

It was the next morning and the first thing I noticed was it was foggy outside. The fire was still burning and I threw another log in, and I sat their quietly as I waited for the kids to wake up. I soon heard Lee groan as he slowly opened his eyes and stretched.
"Good morning." I said and looked over my shoulder at him.
"Is daddy here?" He asked in a sleepy voice.
"No, honey... I'm sorry." I said and he just yawned.
"It's okay..." Lee said sadly. "It's not your fault mommy."
I just sighed and rested my cheek on my shoulder, still being able to smell Daryl on his poncho. I just nodded to myself, and soon Georgia and Judith woke up to the sound of my voice. I broke the news to the kids that Daryl never showed up and told them we'd be heading home soon. As they got up from their slumbers, I picked up the living room and put it back together like it was before.
"Everyone come sit down and eat something." I called out and walked into the kitchen to grab another pot.
They were goofing off when I called them, and they ran into the kitchen and bumped into me.
"Hey!" I gasped, and laughed as I turned around to see them. "Go sit down." I joked and raised the pot in the air.
They laughed at me and ran over to the table and sat down, and I just smiled at them. I then walked over to my bag and grabbed a water bottle and some oatmeal. I went over to the fireplace and started to boil water on top of it. I then grabbed a couple water bottles from Judith's bag and set them on the table. I also grabbed an apple for each of the kids and put them next to the water bottles. They instantly started eating their apples and drinking some water as I finished making their oatmeal.
We spent a decent amount of time in the morning sitting at the table while we ate breakfast. We talked and laughed, but I knew that deep down these kids were hurt that they didn't get to see Daryl. I couldn't help but feel bad for them, and realized I kept us talking for so long just to pass time and hope Daryl would show. But he never did.
"Alright." I sighed and pushed myself away from the table. "It's that time."
The kids bowed their heads and pouted, and I sadly shook my head. "I know guys. I'm really sorry Daddy wasn't here."
"Can we go play outside before we leave?" Judith then asked me.
"Yeah, can we?" Georgia said. "Please."
"Yeah, please please mommy." Lee chimed in.
"Okay, okay." I said and raised up my hand. "Stay by the house, don't go running off. I mean it." I said seriously.
"Thank you." Judith smiled and jumped out of her seat.
The other kids laughed and called out to her. They all headed for the back door, but I knew they were forgetting something important.
"Hey!" I raised my voice, and instantly got their attention. "Don't forget your knives." I said and pointed to them on the coffee table.
They quickly nodded and walked over to grab their knives, clipping them to their belts, and then Judith looked at me.
"Sorry." She said quietly, and I could tell she was embarrassed.
"Don't be." I then said softly, and knelt down in front of them. "You just can't forget your knives, ever. You need them to be safe out there."
"I know." Judith said, and the other two nodded.
"I know you guys do, I know." I said and looked at each of them, and then sighed. "Okay, go on."
They nodded and walked outside through the back door and I watched them for a minute. I saw no walkers in sight, didn't hear anything dangerous, and they stayed in the yard close by the house.
"I'm gonna pack our stuff, I'll be right back." I called out, but the kids were too busy playing to respond.
I just chuckled to myself as I admired them, and then turned around to get ready to leave. I left the door open so I could hear them better, and began grabbing our bags. I put the kids stuff in the car first, and walked back inside to grab my bag. I first put on my prosthetic and tightened my blade on. Then I picked up my bag and suddenly remembered the papers from yesterday. I hesitantly set my bag down to pull them out, and sighed to myself as I now stared at them in my hand.
I then glanced out the back door and saw the kids still there, and started walking down the hallway to the bedroom to be alone. I sat down on the bed and looked at the papers, and didn't know where to start. The top page was a list of cities in the state, and it seemed Daryl wrote notes next them as he cleared them out. There were several pages of this, just Daryl writing down what he was experiencing.
"Got food from a gas station. Killed a walker. Still no sign of Rick."
"Expecting to spend a few months here. It's a large city, Rick could be anywhere."
"Not stopping."
"Fredericksburg — Clear."
"Charlottesville — Clear."
"Lynchburg — Clear."
"Running low on water. Need to find river."
I noticed the word river was crossed out with a heavy hand almost ripping the paper, and I could only imagine Daryl thought about Rick again at that moment. I continued to flip through more pages and started to see Daryl mentioning us and lost myself in his words.
"The kids — I miss them."
"Do they remember me?"
"They hate me. Can't blame them."
I then saw my name on one of the pages next to a while bunch of crossed out words, but I was able to make out what Daryl was writing about.
"Kelley's fucking crazy — fight — threw a chair at me. I almost hit her, I wanted — what am I doing? Who am I?"
I just bit my lip anxiously as I remembered all of our big fights and read more about them from Daryl's perspective. He only mentioned them a few times, and from what I see he regretted everything he said, but that still never changed his mind to come back home.
I then saw an entire page was written on, and within a second of reading it, it looked to me like the beginning of a suicide note.
"Oh god..." I whispered and closed my eyes, realizing how much Daryl must've went through out here, alone.
I then took a deep breath and opened my eyes, and began reading his note.
"It's been three years now and I haven't stopped looking. Everything just keeps getting worse and I don't know how to stop it. I want it to stop. Sometimes I have days where I don't remember what has happened, and then it hits me. Everything. It hurts to talk, to love, to be. Everyone has their own ways of coping with this feeling. Their ways of staying alive when their in too much pain to feel anything at all anymore. But I don't know what I have anymore. It's getting bad again, and I don't know what to do, where to go, or who to tell anymore, because no one cares how I feel. The ones who cared, I hurt. I'm not afraid of dying anymore. I'm more afraid of living. I'm afraid of all that I have that I know I will lose. I don't see a point to this anymore. Was there ever one? Because if it's going through life the way I have been, I don't want to be here. Most of the time, I wish I was dead. I hate myself so much everyday for what I've done. My thoughts are killing me. I feel lost. I don't want to be here anymore. I think too much, I hurt too much. Suicide. It's something I've been thinking about. Not too seriously, but I've been thinking about it. But then I think about Kell, and Judith, Lee, and Georgia, and what it would do to them. They would be okay. I've been gone so long already. Kell hates me. The kids probably don't remember me anyways. Maybe that's what I have to do. I don't know what else to do.
Kell, I know if anything happens, you'd be the one to find this. You've always been smart like that. But if you do find this, I want you to know I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I've got to be this way. I'm sorry I never came back. It hurts me more than you think. I wish I wasn't like this anymore. Forgive me for being this way. I need help. I need comfort. Please, just save me from myself.
It's too late now."
A teardrop hit the paper, ruining the ink on the page, and I sniffled my nose. I quickly wiped my tear away and sighed as I started at his note. And then I thought about how Daryl still hasn't come back to the cabin after leaving a mess.
"Oh Daryl." I thought. "Please, please don't tell me you did this..."
I began folding up the paper to put it in my bag when I heard a loud scream from outside. I looked up in a panic, and I instantly felt a fear rise in my heart. I shoved the note into my bag and left it behind as I sprung up off the bed and ran out of the room. I was at the back door in seconds and I gasped when I didn't see the kids, then I heard another scream in the distance.
"Mommy!" I heard one cry out.
"Georgia!" I yelled and ran out of the house, starting to follow the sound of her voice.
The fog has gotten thicker since the morning and the trees made dark shadows around me.
"Judith! Lee!" I yelled out. "Where are you!"
I then heard crying and yelling in an opposite direction and spun around, finding myself lost in a panic from the fog.
"Help me!" I heard Lee now call out.
I then heard a scream that wouldn't stop and ran towards the noise. I ran as fast as my feet would take me, pushing dead branches out of my way and jumping over fallen logs, and saw something moving in the distance where the scream was coming from.
"Hold on!" I yelled out.
I then squinted my eyes and saw the thing that was moving was a walker. It was reaching out and grabbing at something, and I got a horrible feeling in my chest. My heart instantly skipped a beat and I screamed out loud in fear.
"No!" I cried and ran faster.
I broke through the thicket of trees and locked my eyes on the walker, running into it and tackling it on the ground. It growled and reached up at me but I stabbed it in the face several times, screaming as I killed it. I was breathing heavily as I stood up and looked around for the kids. I saw Judith holding a bloody knife up to protect herself, and she was staring at me with fear in her eyes. I then saw Georgia was backed away and crying loudly, and she closed her eyes and covered her face. I then turned around and saw Lee get up off the ground, and he was holding his shoulder.
"Mommy, we're so sorry!" Georgia cried. "We're sorry, we're sorry!"
I instantly walked over to Lee and he just stared at me with tears in his eyes. I grabbed his face and stared into his eyes, and then glanced down at his shoulder. I saw there was a little bit of blood, and my breath quivered as I slowly moved his hand, and then I saw the bite mark.
"Oh.... God..." I gasped and dropped to my knees in front of him.
I bowed my head and felt like I've been shot in the chest because I couldn't breathe. I couldn't believe it.
"Mommy." Lee said, and his voice was shaky.
I looked up and instantly grabbed his face and couldn't help but cry out. "My baby... Oh, no..." I said and shook my head.
"I tried to kill it. It was too big." Judith said as she walked closer to me. "I'm so sorry Mommy."
Georgia was still crying behind me, and she kept repeating over and over again that they were sorry, and I couldn't take it anymore.
"Get your sister to shut up before more of them show up!" I yelled at her.
Judith flinched at my voice but instantly ran over to Georgia, and she tried to calm her down but eventually had to cover Georgia's mouth with her hand.
I then looked at the bite on Lee's shoulder, which looked like the walker grabbed him from behind, and everything went numb for me.
"I let the kids go out to play. I got here too late. This is my fault." I thought to myself.
"Mommy, I'm scared." I heard Lee cry, and I looked up at him.
I then raised my hand up to his face and held his cheek, and started shaking my head. "No, no, baby. It's okay. It's— it's gonna be okay— I'm gonna—" I began to say but stumbled over my words because I was still in shock.
I then let out a sob and looked away from Lee, because I knew more than anything that he was not going to be okay.
"Am I going to end up like Carl?" Lee then asked me.
I squeezed my eyes shut at the thought and tears ran down my cheeks. I heard him trying to keep in his sobs and it broken my heart into a thousand pieces. With my eyes still closed because I couldn't bear to look at him, I turned my head back towards him and then bowed my head in defeat. I heard his sniffling get louder and then he started crying.
"I'm so sorry." I cried and pulled him in for a hug.
He tightly wrapped his arms around me and I squeezed him as much as I could.
"I'm so sorry, Lee." I said. "I'm sorry."
Lee cried in my arms, but then I had to think about what had to be done. I then pulled away from the hug and stood up, backing away from him for a second.
"Mommy—" Lee began to say.
He knew what has to happen. As the kids grew up in the past couple years and I started training them, I also told them how things work now. I told them about Carl's story, and even about my arm, and what inevitably happens after you get bit.
"Just— Let me think for a minute." I said and held up my hand, and I tried to keep my composure.
I realized Georgia finally quieted down and saw Judith was hugging her tightly. I then covered my mouth in disbelief and squatted down to the ground. I just shook my head, trying to think of every alternative, but no matter what Lee wasn't going to make it.
"I can't." I said out loud and shook my head again. "I can't do it." I cried and covered my face.
After a minute of crying and the kids stood there silently, I came up with a plan. I thought about when Carl got bit remembering that it took him a day before the fever set in, and hoped that was true with Lee, too. Carl survived the longest with a bite that I knew of, lasting almost two days, but still that was too short of time for us. But, maybe I could get Lee home in time, give him the chance to say goodbye to everyone, bury him next to his brother...
"My God, I can't do it. I can't handle this." I cried in my head, and then shook my head sadly. "Shit, what about Daryl? He's not here. He could seriously be dead this time, and now Lee. He won't get to say goodbye... I'm a horrible mother. A horrible wife. I'm a monster."
"No." I told myself, but I said it out loud by accident, and the kids watched me cautiously.
I just sniffled and wiped the last of my tears away, before slowly standing back up and taking a deep breath. I then walked back over to Lee and knelt down in front of him again.
"Listen to me okay." I said, trying my best not to cry again. "I'm going to get you home. No matter what, that's what I'm going to do." I said and soothingly straightened his jacket to cover his bite.
"What about after?" He asked me quietly.
I just sighed as I zipped up his jacket, and then looked him in the eyes. "We know what happens after... but I'm going to make sure that you make it home." I said.
Lee then nodded and I rested my head against his forehead. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, then caressed Lee's head soothingly.
I then stood up and grabbed Lee's hand and then turned around to look at the girls. "Come on." I ordered. "We're leaving, now."
Judith nodded and pulled Georgia along, who was still in shock, and I led us back to the cabin. I saw the car in the distance and shooed the kids that direction.
"Get in the car. Go." I said.
I then ran inside to grab my bag, making sure I grabbed my pistol off the coffee table, and ran back outside. The kids were already in the car, and I quietly got into the driver's seat. I left the keys in the ignition, so I turned them, but the engine just turned over and didn't start.
"Come on." I muttered and turned the key again, but it wasn't working. "What the fuck!" I yelled and slammed my hand on the wheel.
I threw open the car door and got out, and the first thing I noticed was a puddle underneath the car. Without even needing to smell it, I knew it was the gas. It must've all leaked out during the storm, and the car wouldn't run. I didn't have time to find more gas. I didn't have any tools to fix it. I was running out of time. I then looked at Lee, and all the kids were watching me in the backseat, and I know they were scared. We were all scared.
I just grunted in annoyance and grabbed my bag, slinging it onto my back, and then opened the door to the backseat.
"Come on, get out. We're walking." I ordered.
The kids nodded and I opened the trunk, and one by one put their backpacks on. I then slammed it closed and looked at them. I grabbed Lee's hand and nodded at them.
"Alright." I said.
I started off our pace quickly, only having one thought in mind. I needed to get us home. I didn't know how long it's gonna take, but I needed to hurry, and as we ran through the forest to the main road I couldn't stop looking down at Lee, knowing that this just became a race against time.

~~~~~~~~~~

It's only been a couple hours since we've left, but it's felt longer. Everything in my head was jumbled up, and I couldn't even think straight. I was terrified of what had happened, what was currently happening, and I felt myself wanting to break down. But I couldn't. I can't. I have the kids still with me. If I go down, they'll all be dead. I know that for sure, too.
We have been running and jogging since we've left, and I was used to moving like this, but the kids weren't. I knew it, and it frustrated me.
"Mommy, I can't go anymore." Lee said beside me.
I looked down at him and shook my head. "Yes you can baby, you have to. Come on." I said.
I then took a second to stop, and I swung my backpack off my back and to the front of me. I then knelt down and nodded at Lee.
"Come on." I urged him. "Get on."
Lee hesitantly got on my back, but I knew that he felt better once he got off his feet. I grunted as I stood up, adjusting to the extra weight, but I pushed through it. I didn't have a choice, I had to keep moving. He then wrapped his arms around my shoulders and rested his head on my back, and I became aware of every single breath Lee was taking. I counted his breaths, appreciating every one, knowing that this wasn't going to last much longer.
"Mommy, can we rest now?" Judith asked from behind me.
"No, baby. We can't." I said to her without turning around. I then looked up at the sky and noticed the sun was still a few hours from setting. "We keep moving until it's dark. Then we can rest."
I heard Judith sigh behind me from exhaustion, but she kept moving forwards with Georgia. It hurt me to see how much they were struggling, but we all knew Lee was experiencing a lot worse. So we kept on running, we didn't stop, because we didn't have a choice.