A Survivor's Diary of the Apocalypse (TWD/Daryl Dixon)

S4Pt12 - Mental Breakdown

I was now sitting on the couch and rubbing my aching hand. Carl sat down next to me and looked up at me.
"You scared the crap out of me." He said.
I looked at him and my eyes started tearing up.
"I'm sorry kid." I said and held his hand.
Rick knelt down in front of me, I looked at him, and he wiped my tears away.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
I sniffled and nodded my head.
"What happened?" Carl asked.
Rick glared at him and shook his head, signaling that he shouldn't have asked. Carl was about to apologize when I responded.
"Daryl... the Governor... it-" I sighed and tried not to cry.
They looked at each other and then back at me.
"Stay here. Carl, watch her." Rick said.
He groaned and I reached out to him when Carl lowered my hand.
"He's okay. He's better." Carl said.
I nodded and Rick came back with a water bottle. I drank some and Rick handed me a granola bar. I ate that too, drank some water, and cleared my throat.
"I had a nightmare... The Governor tortured Daryl, killed him." I said and wiped a few tears. "I watched him die, saw him turn, then he came after me... I-I couldn't move, I- It felt so real." I said.
Rick sat next to me and I leaned against him. I felt my ring and looked out the window. We were silent and they were soaking up the news.
"Carl, I still don't like what you did yesterday. Making Kelley go out and search for you like that." Rick said to him.
"I was careful." Carl said.
"Tell him what you found." I told him.
Carl chuckled and smiled. "I found food... But I ate it."
"What was it?" Rick asked.
"112 ounces of pudding." Carl laughed.
I smiled and Rick laughed too. For a second, we seemed to forget what was happening and enjoyed the moment, until there was a knock at the door.
We all pulled out our guns and aimed at the door. Rick signaled to be quiet and slowly walked up to the front door. He looked out the peephole and started smiling. He chuckled and pointed at Carl.
"It's for you." He said.
"What?" Carl said confused.
I got up myself and looked out the peephole, and saw a familiar face. One of us.
I started unknotting the door and Carl swung it open. Outside on the porch, there was Michonne looking at us. Carl laughed and hugged her. She had tears falling down her cheeks and she smiled at us.
"You're a sight for sore eyes." Rick said and hugged her.
I nodded in agreement and we brought her inside. She sat down on the couch and I handed her some food from my bag.
"Thanks." She said.
I nodded and closed my backpack.
"Where have you been?" Carl asked her.
"Here and there, around the world." Michonne joked. "I was wandering when I saw footprints on a trail. I followed them and it led me here." She said.
"Glad you're here. This gives us hope." Rick said, and glanced over at me.
"Uh, have you seen Daryl?" I hesitantly asked.
Michonne looked at me with pity and slowly shook her head. I wiped my tears and nodded my head.
"We shouldn't hope for anything..." I muttered.
I grabbed my bag and walked upstairs to be alone. I walked into the first room and closed the door. Then I sat down on the bed and decided to take inventory.
"2 water bottles. One full, one half empty. Only 4 bags of jerky left. A quarter left of pain meds." I thought. "Damn." I said.
I took out the rest of my ammo, only one magazine left for each of my guns, and that was it. I was about to put everything back and close my bag when I saw a small piece of paper or something at the bottom.
I pulled it out and stared at it in shock. It was the picture of Daryl I took at the prison, he was looking at me and bare chested. I flipped over the picture and saw writing on the back.
"I love you Kell."
I read the words over and over again and started crying. It was his words, his handwriting, I just knew it. When I read it I heard his voice, the soothing and sweet tone that was still gruff. I looked at the picture and caressed his face.
"I love you too." I whispered.
I took a few big breaths in and out, and stuck the picture in my pocket. I felt my ring and kissed it, imagining it was him. I slowly shook my head and walked back downstairs to join the group.
I saw them sitting at the table and laughing at some kind of joke Carl said. I had my bag on my back and they looked at me.
"I'm going out.. to scavenge a few other houses." I said. "Shouldn't take long."
Rick nodded and pointed at Michonne and Carl. "They were about to go too. Why don't you go with them?"
"No!" I blurted out. "Just me. Please, just me.."
Rick understood what I was thinking and nodded his head. Michonne and Carl gathered their things and followed me out onto the porch. Rick grabbed my hand and I looked back at him, and I tensed up. Rick dropped my hand and backed away.
"You're going to be okay, right?" He asked.
I only half nodded and started walking away.
I needed to be alone, needed to think, and needed to release my anger on something.
I walked in the opposite direction of Michonne and Carl. At first, I searched a few houses, killed a couple walkers, and actually got some more food and water.
I was walking down the road and all I heard were my footsteps on the asphalt. I was staring at the ground and tears fell down my cheeks.
"I miss Daryl..." I thought. "I couldn't even say goodbye. I called out for him, didn't he hear me? Why hasn't he tried to find me? He just ran off... with Beth... He left me for Beth.."
I shook my head and tried to ignore my thoughts. I walked into a house and stood in the living room. Everything was barely untouched, only a few things were damaged. I looked around the living room and wandered over to the bookshelf. I grabbed a picture frame off the shelf and saw it was of a couple kissing. Underneath the picture was a message, wedding vows to be exact.
My blood boiled. I filled with rage.
I threw the picture against the wall and it shattered. I couldn't stand to look at it. Me and Daryl never had wedding vows, I never told him why I said yes. Never told him why I loved him.
I started crying and pacing in the living room. I had so much sadness and anger, I had let it go.
I ran over to the coffee table and kicked it, knocking it over. I grabbed the TV and pulled it off the stand. I grabbed a book on the shelf and used it to push everything to the ground. I ran up to the couch and kicked it and punched it, eventually flipping it over.
"Why!!" I screamed. "Why did you leave me?! You left when I needed you!" I yelled at the air, acting as if it were Daryl.
I tipped over the bookshelf and it broke on the floor. I pulled the curtains off the wall, including the rod, and used it to beat everything in site. I broke the TV screen and even cracked the window.
"You left me! And now you're dead! You're fucking dead and I didn't get to say goodbye!" I yelled as I hit every object. "Why the fuck did you run away, with Beth! I thought you loved me. And now I'll never see you again! You're DEAD TO ME!" I cried.
I threw the rod to the ground and saw that I bent it. I looked at the damage around me and it looked like a tornado ran through. I looked up at the ceiling and cried with all the energy I had left in me. I threw my hands up in defeat and fell to the floor.
There I laid with broken glass and memories all around me. I closed my eyes as tears streamed down my cheeks. Memories flooded my mind of Daryl as I cried.
"Kell?" He asked.
"He grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go."
"I'm not leaving you alone."
"I'm completely in love with you." He honestly spoke.
"I will never regret wanting you or loving you."
"I love you."
"I'm so sorry Kell." Daryl whispered.
"I locked the door. 'Out of Order'."
"I love you too."
"Kelliana Jones." Daryl said. "Will you marry me?"
"I know you can... Mrs. Dixon." He whispered in my ear.
"If shit hits the fan, I want you to be safe."
"God, I love you Kell."
I breathed heavily, wiped my tears, and sat up.
"I love you." I cried out loud.
I weakly stood up and cleared my throat, and my voice was scratchy from screaming.
"I'm never going to see him again." I thought. "I didn't even kiss him goodbye."
I walked to the door and took one last look behind me. All the damaged I caused was what I felt inside. All my thoughts, my broken heart, my life... gone.
I lost my mind.
I lost my humanity.
I lost all my feelings for everything at the moment.
Because of him.
I wiped my tears as I walked outside and closed the door behind me. Closing that door symbolized me leaving behind the past. It's hard but I will never forget him.
"Daryl, the love of my life..." I said and adjusted my ring. "I love you."
I slowly walked back down the street and left the wreckage behind me, not looking back.
I walked back to the house and once I got close to the porch, I heard shouting from inside. It didn't sound like Rick, and inside I saw a man walking around with a gun.
"Shit." I whispered.
I snuck around the back of the house and hid under the patio when I heard noise above me. I pulled out my gun, moved from cover, and aimed at the noise.
"Kelley. It's me." Rick said.
"Jesus Rick." I whispered and lowered my gun. "What the hell happened?"
He shook his head and grabbed my arm. We snuck out into the street and ran away from the house.
"We need to find Michonne and Carl." Rick said.
I nodded in agreement and ran in the direction I last saw them. Then we saw them exiting a house from down the street
"Carl!" Rick quietly yelled.
"Dad?" Carl said.
"Shhh." Rick said.
We met up and looked behind us, and we weren't being followed.
"What happened?" Michonne asked.
"A group of guys took the house. I snuck out." Rick said.
He walked forwards and groaned his pain and held his side. Michonne helped me walk him and we started walking away.
"We need to leave." Rick coughed.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"I'm fine. Just a little beat up still." Rick said.
"We can't be on the road again. It's not safe." Carl worried.
"We were fine before. We'll be fine now." I assured.
"Okay, well we need to go now. Before it gets dark." Michonne said.
We left the neighborhood on a backroad and started walking again. We didn't know where we were going, but we knew we couldn't stay here anymore.