A Survivor's Diary of the Apocalypse (TWD/Daryl Dixon)

S6Pt21 - Denise

Denise and I just sat on the curb quietly and waited for Daryl and Rosita to finish clearing out the pharmacy. I fidgeted with the blade on my new prosthetic, which I was still getting used to, and Denise lightly tossed a pebble into the road. 
"I don't think I'm ready for this." Denise sighed.
I looked up and just stared out in front of me. "You'll get better, stronger." I said.
In the corner of my eye I saw her shrug. She then picked up another pebble and just tossed it to the side.
"Hey." I looked over at her, and she looked at me. "This is not something that gets easier over time. But that's why we adapt and change. We-" I said and pointed at both of us. "We are the ones who survive."
"How do you do it?" She asked. "After everything you've done, you've been through, and you still care so much."
I just bowed my head and thought about everything that's happened so far. Thought about my family, and then Bud. We lost the farm and the prison, and then the tracks. Honestly I didn't know what to say to her, and Denise just looked away.
"Sorry I asked." She said quietly.
I just shook my head and couldn't shake the feeling of guilt as I remembered everyone we lost, and how I couldn't save them. We've lost so many people. Lori, Hershel, Beth, and others, when I wish I could go back and just do something to help them.
"We never win either." I said quietly. "We still breathe, we are still alive, yes. But we will never win."
The door then opened and Daryl and Rosita walked outside. We remained sitting down and I think we were too busy thinking about our own past's right now to care.
"You did good finding this place." Daryl spoke.
She just nodded and stood up, but I stayed. Daryl then held out his hand to me, and I sighed. I stood up by myself and held my side. I just took my bag from him and began walking away, hoping he'd just follow my lead.
"Kelley Dixon." He said seriously.
I froze in place and just sighed. He barely called me my full name, so I knew he was not going to let me go.
I heard him walking behind me and I waited for him to get in front of me. I just looked off in the distance and didn't want to look at him.
"Kelley." He then said.
I slowly looked at him and he just shook his head in confusion. I took a deep breath, and I could feel myself wanting to cry.
"I'm okay, I-" I said, but Daryl shook his head at me.
"What's wrong?" He asked. "Something happen? Did I do something."
"No Daryl." I said and sighed, and rubbed my forehead. "It's just all hitting me at once. The tracks, what happened at the prison. Thinking about everyone we've lost now... It just got me thinking that.. I wish I could go back, you know." I said and tilted my head. "I could've changed things, saved them. If only I was stronger, if only I wasn't scared."
I just shook my head and Daryl grabbed my face. I looked up at him and he caressed my cheek.
"I get it. I do. But most of those people Kell.." Daryl said and looked into my eyes. "You wouldn't have been able to save them. It's not on you. None of it is."
I just sighed and stared at him, and he hugged me. I hugged him back and buried my face in the crook of his neck.
"You are the strongest person I know my love." He whispered. "You are so strong, and brave, and I'm proud to call you my wife. It's you and me baby."
I nodded and kissed his neck. "You and me."
Daryl nodded and grabbed my hand, the kissed me.
"Okay." Daryl then called out and waved at Denise and Rosita. "Let's head out."
We began walking down the street, out of town, and back to where we came from. We arrived at the crossroad where the tracks met. Daryl just looked at me and I nodded. We began walking down the tracks and they stopped and watched us.
"Hey." Rosita called out.
Daryl turned around and pointed at the tracks. "This way's faster right?"
I saw them smile at us, and I did too. We all began walking on the train tracks and I knew then that we were going to be okay.
We weren't going to let the tracks scare us anymore. We were heading home, no matter what path we had to take.

~~~~~~~~~~

We were still walking on the tracks back home when I noticed Denise was slowing down, but I couldn't blame her because it's been a long day.
"There's a cooler in there." Denise said and stopped by an abandoned car. "Might be something inside."
"We got what we came for." Rosita said.
"Yeah, we don't need it. Let's go." I said.
We kept on walking until we heard Denise yell. I automatically turned around and Denise disappeared.
"Kell, don't." Daryl called out, but I was already running towards her.
I ignored him and ran to the car, and saw Denise getting tackled by a walker that fell out when she opened the door.
I raised my blade to kill it when she yelled at me.
"No! Don't." She said.
She then flipped the walker over, and after a little bit of a struggle, she killed it with a railroad spike. She then got up, and we all stood in front of her. Without warning, she threw up in front of us. Rosita backed up but I didn't move and neither did Daryl. I was pissed off.
"Man.." She said and wiped her mouth. "I threw up on my glasses."
She then walked over to that cooler she found, opened it, and laughed.
"Hot damn." She said as she pulled out a can of soda.
"What the hell Denise?" I said.
"You could've died, you know that?" Daryl said, almost as pissed off as me.
"Yeah, I do." She said to Daryl.
"Are you hearing me?" Daryl yelled.
"Who gives a shit?" Denise said. "All of you guys could've died killing those Saviors, but you didn't. You want to live, you take chances. That's what I did."
"For a pack of sodas?" I asked.
"No." She said and held up the can. "Just this one."
She began walking back on the railroad tracks, and we followed her, and I was hot on her tail.
"Denise!" I called out. "What the hell are you doing? Are you not paying attention to anything?"
"I did something for me." She said and kept walking.
I ran in front of her and she stopped, and everyone watched us. "A goddamn soda!" I yelled. "When I said we are the ones who win, who survive, we do that by being smart. Risking your life for a fucking drink is-it's idiotic."
"I did it--" Denise yelled.
"I don't give a shit about why you fucking did!" I yelled over her. "You could've died."
"Why do you care?" She asked.
"Why-wha.." I said and took a step back, and then pointed at her. "You, are our only doctor. The only one who really has any training. Do you know have fucking valuable that is?" I said and sighed. "I owe you Denise. You helped me give birth, you saved my life--"
"Stop thanking me!" She yelled and threw up her hands.
I took a step back in shock.
"I didn't save you! You cut off your own goddamn arm, not me." Denise said. "And you gave birth to Lee, not me. So just stop.. And-and so what if I did! Now and days, everyone saves everyone."
I just listened to her, because I wasn't sure what to say. Daryl walked over to my side and Rosita did too.
"Do you have any idea what that was to me? What this whole thing is to me?" Denise ranted, and then looked at Daryl. "I asked you to come with me because you're brave like my brother and sometimes you actually make me feel safe."
She then looked and pointed at me. "I asked you because I knew you'd help me no matter what. Not because you 'owe' me, but because you're a mother and a friend, and that's what you do."
She then looked at Rosita and scoffed. "And you.. I wanted you here because you're alone, probably for the first time in your life. And because you're stronger than you think you are, which gives me hope that I may be too.."
We just stared at her, and I could feel myself slowly becoming less angry and instead feeling sorry for her.
"I could've done a lot of things already, but I haven't because I was afraid." Denise continued ranting then pointed at me and Daryl. "You two make it look so easy to love someone when in reality it's not, it's bullshit how you guys don't even try. It makes me sick that none of you guys even have to try because you're strong and smart and you are all really good people!"
I then heard a crack in the bushes and looked past her, and saw nothing. And it seemed like no one even noticed because they were still listening to Denise.
"And if you don't wake---" She said.
All of a sudden, an arrow hit her in the back of the head and came out of her eye. Blood ran down her cheek and she struggled to talk.
"-Up---" She weakly said.
Her body gave out and I tried to catch her as she fell, but she went too quickly. Daryl and Rosita aimed their guns around and I just stared at her.
"Drop your weapons now." A voice called out.
A group of guys walked out with their guns drawn and we saw a familiar face leading them.
"Well hell." A voice said. "Still getting the hang of her."
It was Dwight, from the burnt forest. He was staring at us, and held Daryl's crossbow in his hands.
"You got something to say to me?" Dwight then asked Daryl and got in his face. "Clear the air? Get off your high horse?"
Daryl just huffed at him and Dwight smiled. "No. You don't talk much."
He backed up and allowed his men to search us and take our weapons. He then looked at us and smiled widely.
"Man, it's nice to see you guys again." He said then looked at my prosthetic. "What happened to you?"
I just remained quiet and stared him down.
"I should've done it." Daryl then spoke.
"What was that?" Dwight asked and tilted his head at Daryl. "No, seriously. I didn't catch that."
"I should've killed you." Daryl spoke up, through gritted teeth.
"Yeah. You probably should've." Dwight said and shrugged. "So, here we are and here's the question. Who brought this onto who?"
Dwight saw me look down at Denise and pointed at her. "To be honest, she wasn't the one I was aiming for." He said and then looked at Daryl. "Kicks like a bitch."
Daryl clenched his jaw and I saw that he was fighting the urge to kill him right now.
"Nothing personal." He said and looked at Denise on last time. "Look, this isn't how we normally like to start our business arrangements, but you pricks set the tone."
"What do you want from us?" Rosita then said.
He looked at her and smirked, then shook his head. "Well, it's not about what I want, but what you'll all do."
A man then walked out of the forest dragging Eugene behind him. He saw us, then Denise, and his eyes were full of fear. He kneeled Eugene down in front of us and we just stared at him.
"Now, you're going to let us into your little complex you are living at. Must be a nice place for you all." He said. "Then you are going to let us take whatever and whoever we want." He taunted and then looked at me. "Starting with Kell."
"Hey! Back off!" Daryl yelled.
"Or we blow Eugene's brains out!" Dwight yelled back and pointed the crossbow at his head. "Then yours, and yours, and hers.. I hope it doesn't come down to that and nobody else has to die. That's how we want it. But you know, we just need to get our point across. So what's it gonna be?"
We were all silent until Eugene spoke up.
"If you want to kill someone, start with our companion over behind those barrels." Eugene said.
We all looked over at a set of barrels stacked in a pile across the tracks, but we saw nothing.
"He's a first class A-hole and deserves it much more than us three." He said, and then quickly looked at us.
"Abraham." I thought.
Dwight then took out a pistol and pointed at the barrels. "Someone go check it out."
A guy started walking over there and Dwight watched him. Since he wasn't watching us, Eugene looked directly at me and I knew what he was thinking. He gave us a distraction.
I nodded and so did Eugene. I didn't know what he was planning, but a split second later he turned his head and bit Dwight's balls. He screamed in pain and crouched over, pistol whipping Eugene in the head. We then heard gunfire coming from the barrels and killing a couple guys. I quickly stepped forwards, slicing one of the guy's neck and Daryl grabbed his gun. Rosita killed another one, grabbed his gun and began firing back. I quickly grabbed another machine gun and ran behind a car with Daryl. He was purposely aiming every shot at Dwight, but so far we didn't hit him. I tried to cover Abraham behind the barrels, but noticed we were drawing out walkers. I began killing some of the dead, but there were a lot now.
"Fall back!" Dwight yelled at his men.
They began to retreat back into the woods, but I saw Dwight turn around. He aimed his gun at Daryl and took one last shot, almost hitting him in the head. Daryl ducked behind the car and felt around his head.
"Motherfucker." I muttered.
I stood up, rested the gun on my cast to steady it, took a deep breath, and took my shot. I watched as one of the bullets I shot hit Dwight in the arm and he fell down and disappeared. The rest of the guys were gone and Abraham and Rosita finished off the rest of the walkers.
I ducked down and looked at Daryl who was just sitting there. I grabbed his face and turned his cheek, making sure he wasn't hit and luckily he wasn't.
"I took the shot." I told Daryl and he looked at me. "I hit him."
Daryl instantly stood up, slid over the hood of the car, and shot into the forest in their direction. He saw his crossbow, grabbed it, and was about to run after them.
"Daryl, stop." I called out.
He just huffed and turned around, looking at me and then to the left. I looked too and saw Abraham and Rosita trying to pick up Eugene, who got shot in the side by the crossfire and passed out. He grunted and walked over to them to help out.
I couldn't help but look in the middle of the tracks and see Denise's dead body just laying there. I knelt down by her and sighed, and felt a single tear fall down my cheek.
"I'm sorry." I slowly said.
I hesitantly held out my hand to hold hers and saw my hand was shaking.
"Kell." I heard Daryl call out.
I snapped my head up and saw he was walking towards me. He stood over her body and he sighed.
"Come on." He said and grabbed her feet. "Let's bring her back."
I felt more tears forming in my eyes and just nodded.
"She deserves a proper burial." He whispered.
"Yeah." I said and wiped my tears. "Yeah, she does."

~~~~~~~~~~

Daryl shoveled the last scoop of dirt, and I hammered a wooden cross into the ground. We stepped back and I just stared at her grave.
"She just wanted to be brave." I said quietly. "And I got mad at her for it."
Daryl just crossed his arms and bowed his head. We were alone for a few moments in silence and I saw Daryl take a shot of liquor, which I could understand.
Rick then showed up with Tobin next to him. I nodded towards him, and I saw he sadly shook his head. I nudged Daryl's arm and he then looked at Rick.
Tobin was holding a piece of paper and Rick took it from him.
"What's that?" I asked. "What's going on?"
He just handed me the paper and I saw it was a note, from Carol.

"I wish it didn't have to end. Not this way. It was never my intention to hurt you. But it's how it has to be. We have so much here. People, food, medicine, walls, everything we need to live. But what we have other people want too. And that won't ever change. If we survive this threat and everything is over, another one will be back to take its place. To take what we have. I love you all here. I do. And I'd kill for you, and I can't. I won't. Rick sent me away and I was never going to come back, but then everything happened and I wound up staying. But I can't anymore. I can't love anyone because I can't kill for anyone. So I'm going like I always should have. Don't come after me please."

I just shook my head in disbelief and looked up at Rick who nodded. I handed the note to Daryl and watched as he read it. I saw him wipe his eyes and hold his forehead.
"She... just left." Daryl asked Rick, then looked at Tobin. "She's gone?"
He sadly nodded and I saw Daryl change from sad to angry. He crumbled up the note and threw it to the side.
"Daryl." I softly said.
He just huffed in annoyance and began storming off.
"Hun.." I quiely called out, but it was no use.
Daryl left us in the dirt, and Carol left just like that. No warning or nothing, but at least she left a note. She was one of Daryl's closest friends. We've been through a lot together, and I knew I would miss her.
Clearly, she didn't want to be found, but I don't know how easily Daryl would just let this go. Or if any of us would.