KAISE BATAAOON TUMHE...

Everything I have lost

Manik's perspective

Oh my god. How? How can I fix this? If I tell her, she will leave me, probably forever. If I don't, maa will tell the board everything because that's the only way she could stop the deals and get Nandini back in the competition, of course, she will tell them to make an anonymous decision, but rumours will start, and I don't have a single idea if maa will tell Nandini too. But, Fab 5 will get affected if maa tells the committee, what have I done? I can't fix this. And if I can't fix this, I will lose Fab 5, my career and if that doesn't feel punishment enough for my me, mom might tell the whole world, or just Nandini, the truth. So, there is a 90 percent chance of losing Nandini in any scenario, but if I tell Nandini the truth, atleast I can save Fab 5. Or, atleast our  careers, they will find out about what I did, and Dhruv and Cabeer will hate me, Mukti and Aliya are going to be on my side probably, anything to save the band, and of course, I will lose Navya, Abhi and Aryaman. Oh god, I will lose everything.

Oh mom, why did you have me put in this position.

I stayed there baffled in a state of panic, my blood running cold, as I feel a deep sense of nausea. I take deep breaths, pacing around the place.

"Think, Manik, think." I chant in hope of some inspiration, but all of my thoughts are insane, and I have this urge to run away, and never think about any of this, they will forget about it in a year or two and then I will return and apologize, it feels better than everything I have to do. I can't tell her, I wish I could talk to someone, anyone who wouldn't hate me for doing this.

Epiphany. At last. I know where I can go, but I must do it right now.
My faith was never in any god, but I wasn't stranger to faith, but I was always fascinated by one thing faith in a god allowed, forgiveness, even when you can't forgive yourself. Walking the steps of the church seemed harder than walking in a storm, and when I found it to be closed, I thought it better, but then I found a priest just by the steps, a kind smile and a look of confusion, he asked me Why I was here so late?

"I need to talk, I did something bad for someone I love, and it is eating me up. Can you please talk to me."

"Do you wish to confess?"

"I don't follow the faith. I don't think I can."

"I didn't ask if you follow the faith. I can see you don't, but it is easier for you to talk if you don't see who you are talking and what they think of you, is it not?"

"Not for me, I want to know what you think of it. I know you take an oath to not judge, but I just want to talk to someone, and know when I tell the truth, what will I receive."

"Then come sit here, quiet unorthodox, but if it manages to put you in ease, I will consider it the one good thing I did today."

I sat down beside him, on the stairs of god own place, never going in. I believed I wasn't ready to be friends with god yet, and as weird as that sounds the priest knew. He asked me what was bothering me and I told her about Nandini, it wasn't like the confessions I have heard of or seen in, it was like talking to a stranger you will never meet and the one who would have an impact on you. I told him that I have an ultimatum of telling her the truth, fixing what I destroyed, and he corrected me and said,
"If it can be fixed, it isn't destroyed."
I continue to tell him, how my mother thinks I am being my father and how horrible it felt, the priest didn't question further, but listened as if he knew why it made me felt that way, and that she was right.
In the end, I felt relieved, but the relief felt terrible too, I asked him why it was like that and he said, "The biggest plot hole in a confession is that it will only make you feel better for a moment, you think you are relieved of hiding it in as you tell your sins, but you still have to face the consequences of your actions, a confession doesn't prevent that. You have to tell her the truth, you have to face your punishment, and you must emerge better, that is the only way you can be released from your sin."

I bid the priest goodbye, thanking him for his wisdom and truth, he said he will be here if I ever need to talk to him and wishes me a better life.

Reaching home, I wasn't determined to open my heart, thus, when I saw n empty living room, I was relieved, the pit in my stomach still lurking and I found my way to Nandini's room, it was open, which wasn't surprising, she doesn't lock her door, I used to be mad at her about it, tonight I was thankful.

She was sleeping, and she looked restless, it made me feel uneasy. I sat on the floor near her head, looking at her face. I was meant to be quiet, all I wanted to see her peaceful face for the last time and then I would have left, but the frown on her head, the dark circkes beneath her eyes,the tear stains on her cheeks, and I had to speak, everything that I won't be saying tomorrow, tomorrow is the truth, tonight is one more day of being selfish.

"I am about to look really bad in your eyes, every horrible thing I did by Controling you, avoiding you, hurting you, and everything I did in the past few days, Nandini, telling you the truth will hurt the most, I know that because you are going to realize something, that I betrayed you, broke your trust, ruin your Career, and any chance that we had at happiness. You will get angry to the point that you will cry, because of me, again, and then you will hate me, and as much as it is going to kill me, I know you feel the most. I don't even know what stories I will made up to tell the committee. That doesn't feel as scary as your reaction. But, if I don't, I will lose Fab 5, and that is one thing I can't lose, even if that means losing you, I am so sorry Nandini, I know you won't hear me say it tomorrow, so I have to say it now, if ever there was a life where I don't hurt you as much as I did, a life where you were happy, where you didn't had a horrible past, or a life where I wasn't this idiot, I only wish we had met in that life. I love you Nandini, I always will. And, I guess this is the end of us. I will just have to say it out loud to you."

I sob, forming coherent sentences, every word making this all real, I swore to protect her, I promised to love her, to never leave her, to hold her heart and never break it, and I have broken every promise, and tomorrow I have to learn to live my life without her.

Yeah, it's a sad update.

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