Chapter 42

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The words were spiteful and had the desired effect Remus wanted by saying them. They pierced Sirius and made him rendered unable to speak.

Finally, Sirius found his voice again and said softly "I'm sorry". It was almost a whisper, but Remus still heard it and he still didn't feel any different from this.

"Do you even care about me?" Remus yelled standing up from his bed and walking a little bit closer to Sirius, it was pure anger now, all of it was bottled up and was now overflowing, he was drowning in it.

Remus could feel warm tears falling down his cheeks and could see them falling Sirius' face, he didn't care though, he just glared at him, waiting for him to respond.

"I love you, Remus," Sirius said his voice strangled by his sob.

"Don't you say I love you, you can't do that to me and love me, that's not love Sirius!" Remus yelled, his temper was rising, and he felt sick.

"Moony I'm so sorry," Sirius cried out, his eyes had welled so much with tears that everything was now blurry.

"Don't you fucking dare call me, Moony, you, you-" Remus was going to be sick, he knew it and he ran from the dorm and to the bathroom just in time to fall on the floor and throw up into the toilet.

How the hell was this happening? He rested his head against the toilet seat and closed his eyes, he wanted to disappear, to melt into the floor, to become nothing.

Sirius came over and rested a hand on Remus' shoulder. Remus brushed it off and stood up.

"We're done Sirius, you hear me, we are done," he spat, he was shaking again but he was full of adrenaline, it was coursing through him, and it seemed to be the only thing making him stand.

The guilt was already swallowing him whole but that had been a tipping point, Sirius wanted to be on his knees, begging for forgiveness, for a chance to fix it but he couldn't move. "Remus I," but before he could even finish his sentence Remus walked passed him and out of the dorms, leaving Sirius alone.

Sirius fell to the floor gripping the sides of his head sobbing violently and loudly, not caring who heard him, he had messed everything up, he had done the one thing he never wanted to do, hurt Remus.

He was still crying half an hour later when James walked in and walked over to the open bathroom door, James had barely spoken to him at all in the last day, no one that knew had.

"I've fucked it all up," he choked out through a sob, his throat was dry and he desperately needed water.

James was silent, in any normal circumstance he would be on the floor beside Sirius, telling him it would be ok, but it wouldn't be ok, this was not ok.

"He broke up with me," Sirius sobbed, he didn't expect a reply from James, but just speaking to him kept him on the brink of collapsing.

"It'll get better," James said softly, he was always ready to speak words of comfort, he couldn't bare to just stand there and hear him cry out, his guilt was tormenting him.

Remus had walked straight to the room of requirement, it was somewhere where he could hide for hours which he planned to do. He made the room appear this time with a bed in it, but he didn't plan to sleep, but he didn't plan to go back there, back to Sirius.

He began to sob out and then he screamed, punching his hand against the nearby stone wall and hearing a large crack, his hand stung and blood seeped from it, he wouldn't go to Madam Pomfrey, she would pity him.

He summoned some bandages with his wand, opening the door to catch them and then closing it, letting the door disappear into nothing.

He wrapped his hand up and slumped against the wall sobbing. He couldn't love Sirius, not after this, he could barely look at him.

The feelings for Sirius he had died, becoming completely nothing to him. But he still cried, sobbing his heart out until he couldn't breathe, he had hurt James and hurt Snape and lost Sirius.

All those years of pining over Sirius Black, just to find out how badly he would hurt Remus, was not something he wanted. He didn't sleep in that room he stayed awake crying and then trying to regain control over his tears, practising taking breaths in and out and then beginning to sob all over again.

Sirius didn't sleep either. James wasn't in the room, most likely with Regulus. He'd cast a silencing charm over his bed and had cried until no tears could come to his eyes and his lips were dry. He lost Remus, he had lost the morning waking up beside him, the jokes, the midnight kisses, the morning kisses, the notes passing in class, he had lost his moony.

A part of each of them died, leaving them and going far away. Remus had lost Sirius and hatred, anger and sadness filled that gap Sirius lost Remus and that gap filled with guilt, loneliness and blame for himself.

Remus left the room the next morning and went to breakfast first thing, he hadn't eaten at all yesterday and when he sat down at the table his hunger seemed to die away, he grabbed a slice of toast and bit into it without putting his usual several spreads upon it. He sat there for a while, it was quiet and still first thing in the morning.

Someone sat beside him and gave him a small smile. "Are you alright, you looked a bit lonely, do you want to sit with us?" Melanie asked. She was always kind to Remus throughout their years and he agreed and followed her to the Hufflepuff table and sat down with them.

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