Running in the dark

Chapter 51

James walked into his dorm room on Thursday evening two days before the prank they had planned would come into place and found Sirius lying on his bed looking up at the ceiling.

"You alright?" James asked, placing his bag of school books down.

Sirius let out a frustrated sigh and sat up looking at James. "I screwed up," he said softly.

"What did you do?" James was confused, he was rather sure that he would not be ready for what Sirius would say.

"I was a horrible boyfriend and I messed up real bad," Sirius replied. James was a bit confused about why he was bringing this up, it had been six months ago.

"Why's it on your mind?" James said going to sit down on the edge of his bed, listening to Sirius, he always listened to Sirius when he talked about Remus, and he was always sorry for what he did.

"Because I love him Prongs, I never stopped loving him, and now he's with this Zabini girl," Sirius began but at this James cut in.

"They broke up, last week," James told him quickly and that made Sirius silent for a few moments, leaving himself to his thoughts.

"Why?" Sirius asked, he had that remarkable glimmer in his eyes, the one that showed hope.

"Not sure, he wouldn't say," James replied shrugging, that was a lie, he knew it was because Melanie had broken up with him because she believed Remus still loved Sirius. But James couldn't say anything to Sirius.

"I want him with me, Prongs, I love him so much," Sirius told him, it's all he really wanted now, Remus.

"Tell him, Sirius, get it out in the open, let him know," James replied, it wasn't a surprise he said this, he always wanted people to be open with their feelings, and he wore his heart on his sleeve.

"He's going to hate me if I do," Sirius said, he had concluded in his head that if he told Remus he would be angry that Sirius would even say it.

"Sirius, I'm being honest he won't, if he would hate you for that you wouldn't be able to talk to him right now, he chose to be your friend for a reason, he can't hate you," James told him.

"I won't mess it up James, I don't ever want to hurt him again," Sirius replied, it was a statement, in no way was he going to hurt Remus, he would rather die than ever be the cause of pain to Remus ever again.

"I know that Pads but he doesn't know that, tell him," James urged.

Sirius let out a frustrated sigh, "Ok, I will, I will, but tomorrow, we have the prank, I can tell him then," he replied to James

"Ok then I will go and do the first route with Peter and you can do the second with Remus," James said he was smiling like a foolish child.

James had been through it all, he had watched Sirius endlessly pining over Remus and then the two of them getting together which and then falling apart and then to friends and he wished more than anything to be able and watch for the two of them to get back together.

"I want the map, you don't have much of a reputation to hold in place," Remus said grabbing the map from James' hand.

They had a few minute-long arguments about reputations before James and Peter left without the map. Sirius and Remus began to walk across the fourth and fifth floors in silence only occasionally chanting soft spells and pointing their wands at the floor.

"This is going to be awesome," Sirius mumbled quietly and Remus nodded, he had only found out about ten minutes ago that he and Sirius would be doing this planned route together and James had just waggled his eyebrows at him.

Finding the words and what to say had proven very hard for Sirius so he was silent, hoping to find what to say would magically come to him.

Remus looked at the map as they began to walk the sixth floor and saw Filch only a few corridors over. "Crap, Filch," he said and he looked around quickly and grabbed Sirius by the collar of his shirt pulling him into the closet.

It was silent, if Filch carried on his path he would pass them in a few minutes, it was a small closet and Sirius was breathing loudly, still a bit surprised by Remus grabbing him.

Remus lit his wand light which illuminated the space around them and made him able to still read the map.

Sirius was close, too close. Remus could practically hear his own heart beating and was sure Sirius could too.  He wouldn't admit it to himself properly that he still had feelings for Sirius, that he still loved him but he knew that it was true.

Sirius's impulses seemed to spring at the wrong time and he began to speak. "Remus I need to tell you something," he said softly and Remus looked from the map to him, a confused expression on his face.

"And please let me finish, I need to tell you this and I really don't need you jumping in and trying to stop me," Sirius said and then Remus became even more confused, Sirius was being more confident with him, he had pretty much been walking eggshells around Remus up until now.

Filch may hear, Sirius didn't care if it was now or never, he couldn't keep going without telling Remus.

There were a thousand things Sirius could say and Remus couldn't pick one, it was too scary to pick one so he waited, waited for him to find the words and be able to tell him.

Sirius took a breath and looked up into Remus's amber eyes and he knew he could tell him, tell the boy to who he could once tell everything, he could do this.