Running in the dark

Chapter 46

After their end-of-year tests at the end of April Remus found it had been almost two whole months since the prank.

James had lost the match against Slytherin meaning Gryffindor was not in the final and he was rather upset about that, claiming he was not good enough for the role of captain until he was convinced differently.

Regulus was studying a lot for his OWLs which were in two weeks and Remus found himself thinking, thinking about how Sirius was still relentlessly trying to talk to him, and that he had slipped up a few times, responding to his small hello's or piping in and answering a question he would be asking.

Sirius still did occasionally come and sit on his drawers and talk, usually about him being sorry or that he missed him, on the day of the boggart he had sat there and talked to Remus and Remus cried with the bed hangings closed and a silencing spell on it.

Sirius came and sat down on the draws a couple of days after their exams finished and began to talk, Remus' beg hangings were still open but for once he didn't go to close them as soon as Sirius came over. "Those exams were long, but I know you will ace them, your nose was in your books for weeks, you should try and get more sleep you can't just live on coffee, well Reg may disagree but coffee is what's stunting his growth so he can't talk," Sirius said. He always talked as if Remus would reply, but he never did till now.

"Sirius," Remus said softly and Sirius who had been looking at the wall turned to look at him, hope shone in his eyes. Remus was talking to him, he was saying his name, and he didn't care if he was about to scream or shout or tell him to stop bothering him, just as long as he was talking to him, that was enough.

Remus looked away from that hope glowing from Sirius's eyes and looked at his feet, stretched to the end of his bed before he continued talking. "I don't forgive, it's not something I do, I haven't forgiven my father but I forget, I like to forget it's better to forget, so I'm going to forget it, but I'm not going to forgive you, I'm going to be your friend, but I'm not going to love you," he said quietly and then he looked at Sirius.

"I don't want to hurt you, Remus, if forgetting will hurt you, I don't want you to forget then, I want you to heal," Sirius spoke.

"But I'm breaking right now," Remus responded and tears pricked his eyes. "I can't just forget you, I'd rather forget what happened than forget you, and I guess it will hurt for a while but I'm used to that by now, so Sirius I'm going to be your friend," Remus responded, it was sharp but had no space for him to be persuaded differently.

"Ok," Sirius breathed. He felt a bit of weight lift from his chest. He was going to be Remus' friend, but not his lover. Not who he wanted to be, but he would rather be part of Remus' life than not be part of it at all. "Goodnight Remus," he said softly as he slipped off the drawers heading to his bed.

"Goodnight Sirius," Remus replied, opening a book and beginning to read it despite Sirius' pleas for him to sleep more.

When Remus finally did fall asleep he didn't awake in the way he wished he would, he had a nightmare, one with Sirius and his father. It came back in blurred bits yelling, screaming, crying and blaming all upon him for messing something up, for not being good enough. He woke up gasping and shaking and was glad that Peter and Sirius were still fast asleep.

If anything like this usually happened he would have Sirius beside him, soothing him and telling him it would be ok, but he wasn't Remus couldn't remember how it happened but soon enough he was closing the dorm door of Regulus' dorm and whisper shouting Regulus' name into the darkness.

"Remus?" A groggy voice came and he realised it was James who got up and lit a candle with the swish of his wand.

"Shit, sorry I didn't think any of this through, I'll go, go back to sleep James," Remus said, but Regulus was already sitting up confused about the lack of James in his bed.

"Remus are you alright," James said he was beside him now as Remus was trying to fumble with the door handle.

"I spoke to Sirius and I told him I would be his friend and then I had a nightmare and I just, I just want to be near someone, it's stupid I'll go," Remus spoke, Regulus had now realised what was happening and came over to.

"Want to stay here tonight, James can budge over," Regulus said and Remus found himself nodding.

Remus was on the edge of the bed and Regulus was beside him and James was on the other side of Regulus. It reminded Remus of when he and Regulus fake dated and how Regulus would share a bed and just joke around and fall asleep in the most uncomfortable positions, but it had all been for Sirius. And now he was back in Regulus' bed and now it was all because of Sirius.

He didn't sleep but he felt a lot calmer with Regulus and James beside him, it felt so much nice to have someone there to know that if he did fall asleep and have another nightmare someone was there.

In the morning Remus thanked them while climbing out of the bed and getting some very confused looks from Barty and Evan and made his way to his dorm.

Peter was in the bathroom when Remus walked into the dorm and Sirius was changing. "Where did you go?" Sirius asked and for a few seconds, he didn't think Remus would respond.

"I was just with James and Regulus," he answered before grabbing some clothes out and changing himself.