Hearts We Mend To Break (Book I)

.1.

💫ANGEL💫

Six months following my twentieth birthday, a quarter after one, I found myself slumped over the most unreliable railing on the most God forsaken bridge. Mind racing like the fastest driver on the NASCAR track; full of excitement on the straight and narrow and full of terror on every turn, I couldn't gain control of my emotions to save my life. I began subconsciously ripping through the noise of the world around me, too loud to hear myself think yet not loud enough to tune out my darkest desires. All I wanted was for the pain to subside.

In my right hand I held a half empty, thirty-three-ounce bottle of tequila. In my left, the purple rabbit's foot given to me two years ago on this very location. The notorious Heartland Bridge. It was the place in our town where almost everyone got engaged, taking a leap into the adventurous world of new love. Ironically, it was also the place where the heartbroken wandered to end the ache of that same newly found love. The infamous Heartland Bridge. My final destination in Heartland, Ga.

"Please don't jump, Angel." Lee, my neighbor of twelve years and best friend, spoke in a hushed tone. It was almost like she didn't want to speak loud enough to startle me, but also wanted to be sure I heard her.

"I'd never take that route, Lee. I'm not like her. I just wanted to stop to say goodbye."

"I know it feels like you're leaving her behind, but you have to believe that she's going wherever you are. She'll be with you for the rest of your life."

"Spare me the spiritual bull, please. It won't help." I looked into her hazel eyes, filled with just as much sorrow—just as much pain. She looked so sad. I wanted to be a decent human being and ask if she was ok, but that would mean risking my own unmasking. This animal I'd become—this heartless maniac I'd transformed into was who I had to be. It was also why I had to go. "Thank you for everything, Lee. Thank you for sticking by my side, seeing me through the darkness, you know all that stuff." In an effort to put an end to her worry, I threw the tequila bottle to the bottom of the bridge, listening for the seconds it took to crash into the earth and shatter into pieces. "That's how she left me. And that's how I'll leave her."

IT ONLY TOOK A WEEK for me to get settled into my apartment, the end of August, that same year. I attempted to get acquainted with the route to the university and create a comfortable routine to get me through each day. I had done so without having to meet the acquaintance of a single soul in my path. I hadn't even bothered to look up or down at their faces. Every now and then, I would glance in the direction of a loudmouth female, an attention seeking dude, or ill-mannered individual long enough to realize most of them were both neighbors and classmates. Other than that, they were just bodies sharing space, temporarily. That was until my first Friday there when I almost took out an entire column of mailboxes trying to remove my key.

"If you wiggle it a little and push it in before you pull it out, it'll save the rest of our mail from your wrath."

I turned to find a taller than average girl, lavender hair pulled up into a neat bun. She didn't bother to smile as she gazed into my murky eyes. I'd spent the entire day playing video games and smoking myself numb. So numb that, even though I heard every word she uttered, I didn't comprehend the task at hand. I simply continued to pointlessly shake the hell out of the entire column of mailboxes as if my key would eventually come out.

"Suit yourself!" She stormed off, beating down the elevator button as if she had to hit it more than once to call it.

I huffed loudly, shaking my head as I left my key, the mail, and her behind, storming out the door of the building. It was chilly outside, for a change. The morning dew left a sweet kiss of moisture on my bike. Ignoring the water that soaked my hands as I placed them on the handlebars, I pedaled off towards campus. Although I had gotten there a week before classes began, I made time to go to the campus library to relax and read. A deal I'd cut with myself before leaving home was that I'd become more in tune with my spirituality. I wanted to be more self-aware and, even though I wasn't brought up on religion, I needed to find something bigger and better than myself to keep me going.