Hearts We Mend To Break (Book I)

.86.

💫ANGEL💫

Racing out of the door, fighting the urge to punch holes in every wall surrounding me and my pretty little liar, I had murderous thoughts invading my consciousness. For months, I'd tried putting the lies and cover ups behind me. For months I gave Giselle the benefit of the doubt even though she'd shown her true colors from the beginning. She was a stone-cold fucking liar and I wanted to be anywhere except near her. So, I hoped in my car, and pulled off without taking a single second to look back. My engine roared down the dark narrow road, humming a tune I loved yet hated. I hated that fucking car and every memory it brought back. Hitting the gas harder, I had to have been doing over one hundred, fearless and anxious and further away.

I stopped at the old, abandoned building where I'd spent many nights getting drunk with my friends. For a while, I just stared out at the building, quivering in the cold of the night, remembering all the times I had to build bonfires to help us keep warm. We pressed on through the night like a pack of delinquents, underaged drinking, popping pills, fooling around so carelessly. I couldn't even grow the balls to go inside. I just sat there, on the hood of my car, fighting the urge to pull out my lighter and ignite a fire that would burn the whole thing down until it was nothing. Ashes.

My phone buzzed. I looked down, hoping it was her. Hoping she'd fight for me to come back or try to come find me. An immature process, I knew that much, but it was what I craved. Wasn't I worth chasing down? Wasn't I worth fighting for? Or, like Bria, would she disappear and never return, only showing up once more to explain herself so she could leave again? Or maybe like Angelina, loving me unconditionally, only to selfishly remove herself from my life without any warning. The boiling burn of disgust rambled in the pits of my belly, tormenting me along with the aches and pains throbbing between the walls of my chest.

No longer capable of weathering that feeling, I got back into my car and sped off into the darkness of the night. My next stop was predictable. I stopped by Lina's grave. Getting out of the car, I felt the weight of the world anchoring my feet on the pavement. Dragging the invisible pounds of remorse, dread, or something so dark and distasteful, I finally made my way to her tombstone. I collapsed onto the green, moist, cold ground.

"Hey twin." I whispered. Taking several deep breaths before speaking again. A groan escaped my throat as I called out to her. "Angelina." I gasped for air, feeling as though I was suffocating. Feeling as though my lungs had been surgically removed and I was forced to choke to my death right then and there. "I miss you so much. I've spent the last few years dying with you. I haven't lived. I haven't loved. I haven't done anything right since you left me." Tears began to fall down my cheeks, burning my cold face, leaving a path of lava-like trails. "I'm in love with a girl. She is everything that you were. She is lively, caring, sweet, beautiful." I paused. "She can cook though. You know you didn't get that skillset before you left." I scoffed, holding back a laugh. "I think she's my wife." Sniffing in some of the fluids escaping my noise, I wiped my face with the back of my sleeve. "I'm fucking up, Lina. I'm fucking up badly and I don't know how to be better. I want to be perfect for her. But I can't do that and hold on to you." I sighed loudly, leaning down until my forehead grazed the cold ground. "Baby girl, I have to let you—" I couldn't get the words out. Although I was thinking them clearly, the words would not escape my lips. It was as if my vocal cords went into shock, unable to process the sounds I intended to put together to form the simple sentence.

I cleared my throat several times but was immediately surprised by the feeling of vomit shooting up and out of my throat. I let it out. I let whatever needed to leave me out. Growling as I attempted to stand to my feet, my body felt weak. And then I finally said it. "I have to let you go. I love you with every fiber of my being. My flame. My other half. I have to let you go." I cried out, whimpering like an injured animal.