IMPOSSIBLE

50 - Afraid

Jennifer's POV

„Can we sleep?", I asked her, because I didn't want to talk about what happened or what I feel.
„Sure.", Leah said and we walked to the bed together and lied down.

Leah lied on her back and opened her arm for me to come cuddle on her side, like she always does.

But I couldn't. I couldn't let her comfort me for whatever reason. It just didn't feel right. I turned away from her, lying on my side.
Leah came to spoon me. There's nothing like a good spoon at night. Right now it didn't feel so good though. I moved away from her, so that our bodies didn't touch too much, because it made me feel uncomfortable.
And I hated it. I hated that I felt this way. Another tear escaped one of my eyes. At some point, I fell asleep.

I woke up, not feeling any better. I felt distant. Not only from myself, but also from Leah. I couldn't accept the gift of her unconditional love like I used to and like I probably need to.
I barely replied to her kisses and rather stayed away then to be touched.

I got all the affection I needed from my kids though. We cuddled a lot today and Leah  gave us space.

When the kids where in bed, Leah started cleaning the kitchen, although she didn't need to because some of the staff would do it later or early morning.

„You don't need to do that.", I said to her.
„I want to.", she replied, sounding slightly mad.
„Leah...I..."
„You what?", she asked.

I stayed silent, because I had no idea what to say.
„You're being distant since yesterday.", she said, cleaning the dishes with a sponge and soapwater.

I still didn't know what to say. She was right.
„And now you're just not talking to me at all anymore. Can you at least say something?", she said, putting a dish on the counter rather harshly.

„I don't know what to say."
„Something! What happened yesterday? Why're you suddenly so distant, instead of talking to me? I'm here for you. I don't like being shut out. I was there with you and I've been through the same shit."

„No you haven't!", I suddenly found my voice. „You weren't his target. You touched him willingly. To help, I know!", I added the last words when I saw Leah opening her mouth to say something.
„Everything that happened is rela... no."

„Say it!", she forced me. She had now turned to front me.
„I won't. We're going to work this out another way."
„How are we supposed to work things out, if you're not talking to me?", Leah said frustrated.

It was a heated argument and we were both loud, but not yelling.

„I've hurt you yesterday. And I won't hurt you again.", I said.
„You need to tell me, otherwise I can't change anything. I can't help, if you're not being honest."
„Me being honest won't help anything!", I crossed me arms in front of my chest and let them cut through the air to mark my point.

„Try me!", she said.
„Okay! You want the truth? Everything that happened is... it's...", my voice started cracking.
„... related to you."

Leah inhaled sharply.
„So it's my fault now?"
„That's not what I said."
„What did you say, then?"

„I don't know.. yesterday... something happened. It's like... when I see your face now... I also see his.", I whispered those last words and tears shot into my eyes.

Leah said nothing. But her face said everything. I broke her heart. She threw the sponge into the sink and walked out.

Leah's POV

I felt like she ripped my heart out of my chest.
She sees him, looking at me? That's probably the worst thing she could've told me. I walked in the garden of the property, feeling the moist grass under my bare feet and inhaled the fresh and a little colder air.
What now? What are we possibly doing with this now? How can we work this out? I won't give her up.
No.

I went back inside to find her on the couch, crying.
I crouched down in front of her and softly touched her cheek while she looked at me with puffy eyes.
„Close your eyes.", I said and she did. I placed a soft kiss on her cheek.
„We're going to work this out. I won't give us up. And I won't give you up. Are you with me?"

She opened her eyes again and they moved from left to right while looking into my eyes.
She nodded. „Yes."
„Good. Let's go to bed mama."
„Okay.", she whispered.

I gave her the space she needed and didn't made an attempt to cuddle with her, although it was very hard for me and although I really needed her closeness. My heart still hurt from what she said.

After our little talk I hoped for things to get better, but they didn't. We had moments. I'd hug or kiss her, but it didn't feel as close as we used to be. She would smile at me and my heart would jump. One night, I attempted to be intimate with her. She was lying on her back in the bed, reading. My hand wandered under her sheet, and I pushed the hem of her shirt up and drew little circles on her stomach with my index finger.

My face was close to her's and I softly kissed her cheek.
„I'm reading.", she said gently.
„I see that.", I kissed her again.
„But maybe you could...", my lips touched her cheek again „..stop and just.. kiss me..."

To my surprise, she really put the book away and her hand on my cheek. She kissed me. Finally. Her soft lips danced on mine and after a while of soft and gentle kisses, she pulled me on top of her.
„Oh..", I chuckled at the pleasant surprise. She straddled her legs around my waist.
„Mh.", she hummed.

We held each others gaze for a while until I leaned in and parted her lips with mine gently.

„Are you okay?", I asked and looked into her eyes.
„Yes.", she whispered. A glimpse of fear hushed through her eyes.

I put my palm on the side of her forehead and let it slide down to her cheek.
„We don't have to do this, if you're not."
„We do..", she said and as soon as she saw my face she added: „I want to. I do. Honestly, baby, please just...."

I silenced her by kissing her again. I went slow with everything, and Jennifer gently responded by roaming her hands over my back, squeezing me softly. My hands went over her boobs and I wasn't sure if she enjoyed it or if she's somehow hesitant or of it's a little bit of both. I trusted what she said, that she wanted this, and I also trusted that she would tell me if she's not okay with what I do.

My hands gently brushed over her inner thighs, teasingly playing around her center. After I teased her a little, I dared to reach in between her legs. She welcomed me by opening her legs a little more and when I felt how wet she was, I was sure she really wanted this.
My fingers slid up and down between her legs and when I entered her slowly she lifted her head a little and groaned in pleasure.

„So wet...", I whispered and went a little deeper.
„No...", she suddenly whimpered, but in the heat of the moment I didn't quite realized until she squirmed beneath me and whimpered again. „Stop, please. Stop."

I immediately stopped and pulled my fingers out of her.
„Let me go.", she whispered, so I got off of her.
She quickly got up, breathing heavily.

„I'm sorry.", I apologized.
„You've done nothing wrong.", she said with tears in her eyes.
„Come here.", I said and patted the mattress beside me.
She shook her head no.
„I want to be alone.", she said with a sad look on her face, turned around and left, leaving me in fear of what she might think about and in sadness of how she must feel right now and of how I feel.

I'm afraid I'll loose her.