IMPOSSIBLE

52 - I Need You

Jennifer's POV

From being able to love her last night, I went back to cold the next day.

„What's wrong?", Leah asked at some point, not knowing why I am this way. We we're outside, taking a walk in the garden and I just turned away when she tried to put her arm around me. „You've been distant all day."

I sighed and she grabbed my hand to stop me from walking. „Talk to me."
I looked down at my feet, because I felt stupid that a dream made me change my whole mood, my whole behavior actually.

„I had a nightmare tonight.", I said quietly.
„About Alex?", she asked and lifted up my chin with her fingers.
I nodded while closing my eyes. I couldn't tell her that she was part of it too.
„Baby..", she whispered and took me into her embrace. „Have you thought about a therapy?"

I actually did. But that would mean I'd have to open up about the things he did to me and I don't want anybody to know. I broke free from her gently. „That's not an option."
„But..."
„I just need time, okay?"
„Okay."
We proceeded walking side by side.

Leah's POV

After we had sex the first time after I shot Alex, I thought we're going up hill. But we weren't. Or, she wasn't. I guess it was a moment or something. She remained distant and whatever I tried to say or do, I couldn't get her out of it. Even when we hugged I felt a distance  I never did before. This went on for a week, and I started getting more and more frustrated because although she was telling me things here and there, I didn't feel like she'd fully open up to me.

She would have nightmares, sometimes quiet ones she dealt with alone, sometimes she woke up screaming and I could comfort her, if she let me.

I was giving her a massage on the couch, she had her clothes on and sat in front of me while I straddled my legs around her. After kneading her neck and her enjoying it, I carefully slid my hands down her chest, then even slower to her breasts.

„No.", she almost groaned out and immediately got on her feet.
„I'm sorry, I thought... I thought maybe I could just.. just touch you there." I let my head sink.

Jennifer inhaled shakily, like she's about to cry and I looked up again to check.

She was standing there, looking down on me. Her hands were clenched and her whole body looked tensed.

„Leah...", she whispered. Something was wrong. Awfully wrong, I could hear it in her voice.
„Leah I need... I love you, but I need... oh god..."
She couldn't bring herself to say it and I was afraid to hear what she's trying to say.

She turned away and inhaled deeply, then she turned back around.
„I need space.", she then said.
„What do you mean?", I asked looking up into her eyes.
„I need to be alone."

Alone? In her condition? I couldn't believe she said that. She wants to send me away? Me, who's been there for her all of the time?

„What are you saying?", I asked her. „You want me to leave?"
„Yes." Her hands were still in fists and she sometimes opened them in a cramped way, then clenched them back together again.

I got up.
„You really want me to leave?", I asked, close to crying.
„I think I can heal better that way."
„Heal better...", I repeated. „Heal better....", I whispered again.

„So what you're saying is... I'm hurting you?", I asked. If I'm not helping, I must be hurting.

„You're not hurting me.", she said softly.
„What have I done wrong, then?"
„Nothing! It's me, okay? I need space, I need to be alone, I need a break!", she sounded aroused, mad even.