Classless

Chapter 17- Zone

Chapter 17- Zone

Chief Song POV

I could not help but feel like I had made the greatest mistake of my life. What was I doing? I could barely leave her to herself and when I saw how upset she was, it took my breath away, and not in a good way. I hadn’t told her everything, it was more than what I wanted for myself, I desperately hoped that this obsession with Fedor would go as fast as it had come. It made no sense to want to possess another human being as I didn’t want to be responsible for another person. It was the one thing that was greater than my feelings for Fedor. I hadn’t told Fedor everything, my mother loved my father, at least that was what she told me, they had loved the seas together but when they had me, they could not travel as much and had to settle in Mull. My mother had tried to hide and disguise it but I had overheard her conversation with Jarum, on some levels she had blamed me for my father’s death, and half of her motivation to go where the wind blew was because I reminded her of what she had lost. Jarum was not a bad man, he provided for me and never crossed any boundaries, I doubted sometimes if he knew that I existed until the day he had called me into his office when I was eighteen and warned me off Rwan.

If I wasn’t sure how he felt about me then, I was sure that day. He made it clear that I wasn’t good enough for Rwan, not that I was interested in her, I had seen her as a younger sister but that wasn’t the point, the plans he had for her did not include me and warned me not to take his generosity for granted. It was then that I knew that I had to get my act together, all I had was myself and I learned to grow into who I was today. My first voyage was an attempt to scorn my mother, I told myself I was going to hate the seas and then I would build a life for myself, a family that I would love and would love me right back. What I did not expect was to love the restlessness and unpredictable yet peaceful unrestrained nature of the sea. The world held many wonders, I knew then that I would not be content to sit in one place and so I decided on the next best thing, if no one was waiting for me, then no one would get hurt, lonely, or sad by my lack of presence. It was a logical explanation to a problem, I never asked myself questions such as Was I loved? Even I could tell that I wasn’t, I was a mere inconvenience. Did that affect my self-esteem? No, it happened and that was fine, my life could have been worse but it wasn’t and it didn’t matter if Jarum and his family cared for me, I owed them for their charity and benevolence. I had come to a place where I valued every kindness. Entitlement got you nowhere but I wanted, no needed Fedor’s attention, I needed her to choose me, I needed her to want me, and most of all, I wanted to consume all of her thoughts, dreams, and aspirations.

I was painfully aware of how hypocritical that was, if I wanted to be chosen then I needed to choose her, I wasn’t sure that I could. Maybe it was better this way, my obsession with her was unhealthy at best, I knew she was attracted to me but what would she say if she could see what I thought of her and the things I wanted to do to her? I had gone back to the ship to work on Martha’s part, it wasn’t easy keeping her away from prying eyes, at most the authorities knew she existed but the extent of her capabilities was unknown. I liked it that way, it was the same reason I refused to renovate the ship, it kept away curiosity. There was no way I was going to sleep tonight and so I worked on her parts. A corner of my head repeated the images of how the night had gone, I had been consumed by jealousy that I lost control. Kurt’s familiarity with her was not the highlight of my evening, I preferred when they could not stand each other. I had no right to tell her what to do and that was the most frustrating part about it, I loved seeing her get jealous over Rwan and that was why I did not interfere at first, on the ship she wore oversized khakis and shirt but tonight she was a different kind of beautiful. My lips turned into a smirk as I remembered how her trousers snugly showcased her curves and her mesmerizing tiny top. How can anyone’s back be so smooth, her small waist, it was the first time since I walked in on her naked that I had seen curly hair free of restraints.

Naked Fedor was a sight that I would never forget for the rest of my life and most probably the next, her breasts were more than a hand full, I grew thirsty and my lips went dry as I thought about her pouty nipples. This wasn’t working for me, I threw the screwdriver in my hands, the point was to not think about her but that was all I had done. I ran my hand through my face and while I wasn’t one to subscribe to alcohol because I was unwell, I did just that against my better judgment. I had two days to get myself together before she and the others came back to the ship. I wouldn’t blame her if she tried applying for a different department, she wouldn’t get it but I wouldn’t blame her all the same. Fedor did not strike me as the kind of person who ran but this was different, I wanted her to stay badly, it was like I was a beggar of punishment. Her presence would do nothing more than confuse me already, we had come to a decision and by the seas, we would keep to it.

I groaned and swallow the fermented drink I kept hidden from anyone else, it was the only drink that knocked me out, and I needed to dull my brain and senses. It worked and before I knew it, I had managed to black out for the night and for most of the morning.

I groggily made my way to the main room and sighed at the sight that greeted me. George, my friend of many many years with a smirk and a hot coffee waiting for me. I was too wounded to answer him but made a grunt of appreciation as the hot bitter coffee warmed my chest. “Stop breaking into Martha.” That was what I thought I said or tried to say, it came out jumbled.

“That bad huh.” He raised his brow. “You never drink unless… please tell me it’s a woman.”

“You shouldn’t gossip.” I moaned.

George laughed and crossed his legs, “I heard that you have a new member in your crew and she is a woman. A very attractive woman. A woman whom I think is why you are hungover in the morning, oh afternoon.”

“That is a far jump from a new member of the crew, don’t you think?” I narrowed my eyes at him, George and Rwan probably had the same source, Joseph. Usually, I would be annoyed by my business being discussed but for both of them, it came from a good place which was why I pretended not to be aware of their extracurricular activities. I didn’t think my attraction to her was obvious, apparently not.

George shrugged, he looked younger than he actually was. I knew him from school, but he ignored my attempts to ignore him, I can hear the redundancy in that and ultimately he won me over. I had never understood why he wanted to be friends with someone like me when there were many other people that did all they could to get into his circle. Over time, as I got to know him, I came to know that there was much more to him than his carefree nature, he was the son of a prominent judge, the supreme court judge, and that meant he grew up in comfort moneywise. “You are good at pretending to drink, especially with the members of your crew, I know that you avoid alcohol like a plague so something good is up and I want to know what it is.”

“There is nothing up anywhere.” I sighed, I felt better, and poured myself another cup of coffee.

“Oh oh… That bad huh.”

“Stop saying that.” I groaned.

He smiled and leaned back on the couch, “Fine. How is Martha coming along?”

George was the only person who knew the true capabilities of Martha, not even my crew members knew exactly what she could do. “She is fine; she is offline at the moment.”

“You know that’s not what I was asking. Have you thought about my offer?” George asked as he had done for the past year, this was one of his problems and what most people would normally call a strength but it was plain annoying.

“It’s no then, it’s no now and so it would be in the future,” I answered.

“Can you imagine how we could change the future? You have a brilliant mind and it is honestly a waste that you would choose to run when you can make something more out of yourself.” George seethed, we had different ideas of what success was. George believed in money, fame, connections, and making a name in history books. I wanted to be free of human interactions, ties, and complicated relations. Retrospectively, I wasn’t doing great with that either.

“George…”

“How long will you continue to run? What is the point? When you are trying to run from yourself.” He could not understand, he refused to understand that I wasn’t running from anything, I was walking really fast to what the world had in store for me. “What will you do when you have managed to see what the world has to offer? Will you start again?”

“I am not running from anything. We want different things and as usual with your condescending ways, you cannot imagine anyone needing anything else.”

He clasped his hands, “I wish you’d be more honest with yourself. You are one of the most hardworking and brilliant minds I know. If you would look inward, you would see that what you need the most is right here. You are just too afraid to try and if I were to look into your woman problem, it would be the same. You think about everything logically and rationally because you believe that emotions are a flaw, people are inconsistent and awful, and that you would end up disappointing anyone who even ventures to show interest or believe in you.”

“Careful, you are about to cross a line.”

He shrugged again, “Maybe this woman will break you out of the fog you have locked yourself in, that is if you haven’t fucked it up already.” He gave me another look and chuckled, “Of course, you have.”