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Chapter 31: A chance

Chapter 31: A chance

*Fedor’s POV*

I blanked out completely. I mean I knew he liked me, I had seen the way he looked at me but I did not expect him to come out front and say it, I don’t know the expression I had on my face but he took one look and parked the car.

“I don’t think it is that surprising that I like you.” He took my hand in his, the moon had to be on his side because its light made the mood so much more romantic than it actually was, either that or I was a sucker.

I turned my face outside, his gaze was too much for me. “It is not that, it is surprising that you would say it, you accuse me of running away from expressing myself but it’s not like you are any better.”

He held my chin and turned my face back to him, “I know. I understand now, not completely but I kind of get it. Okay, I used to fight on the streets.”

“What do you mean? Like you belonged to a fight club?!”

“Fight club is too tame for what I did, I did not like myself much and in a way, I had thought I was responsible for the death of my mother and sister, it wasn’t that you were suicidal, I might have projected that to you, it was because I was.” He said that last part in a whisper, I looked at him, really looked at him and I saw it cost him a lot to admit those words to me.

I used my other hand to loosen the seat belt so I could get closer to him, “You don’t have to…”

“No, I want to. I… I don’t … if I don’t say it now, I don’t think I would ever garner the courage to say it. I have never told anyone this, but I know it’s time. You are not the broken one Fedor, I am.”

“You’re not…” He kissed me softly on my lips.

“I am and that’s okay, it’s not that I enjoy having total control, it’s because I have to and no one, no one had tested that resolve as you did. I think you’re amazing even when I read your psych evaluation, I thought that you were impressive. How you managed to come out on top with your humor intact, your complete sense of self, your strength, your independence, your free spirit, and your fire.” He kissed me again, a little bit harder.

He gave me little pecks and kisses all over my face before continuing, “Fedor, I have only seen that fire when you fight with me. You are capable of so much more than survival if only you would let yourself see, see what kind of woman you are. Your mental strength is off the charts, off the charts, I should know because if I had gone through the same thing, I wouldn’t have mustered the courage to survive all by myself.”

“You sell yourself short my man.” My voice came out husky.

“What you do to me!” He kissed my neck and back to my lips, more fiercely and dominant. “I need control or I become a loose cannon. Do you understand? You can’t not talk to me; it drives me mad. Mad Fedor.”

“Did you just use double negatives; you must be out of your element.” I teased to lighten the mood, I wasn’t an animal yet here I was thinking R-rated things about his hands while he bore his heart out to me.

He gave me a look that he understood what I was trying to do, “I thought you wanted me to talk, well here I am talking.”

“Was… was that what you got …”

“Fedor.” His tone warned.

“Okay. Okay... Okay. Please continue.” I was blushing, and blushing terribly hard.

He sighed and leaned back into his chair and stared, “Fedor, none of us are perfect and I need to know what is happening in that head of yours.”

“I am thinking that you are hard on yourself. Everyone has had something shitty happen to them, granted that there are levels to it but you have to learn to give up control sometimes, it’s easier to weather the storm rather than avoid it.” I answered seriously even though I wasn’t sure what that meant in entirety.

Chief frowned and chuckled, he pressed the middle of my head and massaged, “Your nose scrunches when you think.”

“ What do you think this is? This passion will pass and then what? Do we ignore everything else and go for it, I don’t think I would be able to handle it if you ever grew to hate me because I took you away from the seas. I don’t want to live a life without stability, I have done it my entire life and I have to say, it is exhausting.” I felt a weight lift off my shoulders telling him my fears now, emotions were fickle and they frizzle out over time, still using my parents as a reference, their love had destroyed people they loved leaving me to pick up the pieces.

I was waiting for Chief to say something but he massaged my brain again, “Is that why you don’t put your heart into anything? Because you are afraid of the future?”

I nodded in the affirmative, it was the first time I had ever admitted this to anyone, “I don’t do it on purpose but thinking about it, you are probably right. It is never about what I like but what is necessary to survive, I don’t have the luxury of pleasure. This is not a cry for help and no, I do not want you to pity me, this is facts.”

“That isn’t living Fedor.” He said in a way that he was trying not to set me off.

“I see and passive suicidal disorder is?” I knew it was a low but sometimes, it felt like he was always telling me how to live my life. He was taken aback by my response and I knew that I had actually done it, I had hurt Chief with this stupid and impulsive mouth of mine. “I am sorry, I didn’t mean that, I get defensive and say the wrong kind of rubbish. I am so sorry; I don’t think you have that either.”

“I don’t, I wanted to kill myself once and I tried. If you are going to insult me, you should do it right.”

“I deserved that but no more…. Control Freak,” I had said the last part in a mutter.

“I heard that, and yes… I am a control freak, I told you that; remember?” I shrugged in response. I guessed this was how couples talked, not that we are an actual couple.

He laughed, “I must be a masochist because I love how your eyes flare when you get annoyed, it makes me want to provoke you further.”  He held my hand tighter; “Fedor, I don’t know what will happen tomorrow but I would never be able to hate you, not today, not tomorrow and not ever.”

“Do you know the future?” I narrowed my eyes at him in question.

“No, but this I know for a fact. I don’t know how long it would take for you to see me the way I see or, I suspect that you see it but you don’t know yet. It’s okay, I can be patient.”

“You have lots of good qualities; patience is not one of it.” I smirked and he snickered in response. “What did you mean you tried to …” I made the gesture of slitting one’s neck.

“It was soon after my sister’s death, I was in a dark place and planned on fighting one of the undisputed winner of the fight club. I didn’t intend on making out of there alive but I knew I was not going to get the courage to…” He mimicked my gesture and I frowned, “I don’t like to lose and as it turned out, I hated losing more than I wanted to …” Mimicked the gesture again.

“Okay, enough! We are never doing that again.” I had no idea how ugly that gesture was until he did it and I don’t want to see that for the rest of my life.

He laughed, and we stared at each other exchanging smiles, “I like you Fedor, and all of your weirdness.”

I smirked, “I’m weird huh.”

“Even Ode knows you are weird as he is as obtuse as a rock.” He laughed.

“Right?! How was someone like him an assassin, that’s hard to believe.” I laughed with him, I must have been distracted by Chief not notice the weather, it had started raining. The mood changed between us and I wore my desire in my gaze.

Chief swallowed, “We are not bad at talking, but you know what else we are great at?”

“I can guess.” I said before climbing over to his side and sat across his legs.

“And what is it?” His voice thickened with hunger as he grabbed my waist and his other hand loosened my hair band, I felt my hair fall around my shoulders before he kissed me, nothing like the soft kisses earlier but one that made my legs weak… probably from lack of air, who needed breath? I smelt and felt him everywhere, he removed my shirt and kissed lower, kissing in between my breasts, I hitched and moved my waist on his hard length.

Chief raised me by my waist and removed my trousers in one move, oh… Man had experience because that wasn’t …. MMmmmmmm… I moaned out loud when his mouth covered my nipple. Somehow, in between me in my head and him out of it, he had managed to get his rod out, he slammed me down in a simple move. The pain mixed with pleasure drove me delirious, he was about to move when I stopped him. I held our position for moment and kissed him, I mimicked the way he kissed me all over, there was something scandalous of him fully dressed while in me and I was naked. I held both his hands in mine as I moved slowly, he moaned in what I hoped was pleasure. I slowly made my way to the tip before sliding back down just as slowly. I cried and he hissed at the pressure.

“Fedor,” He called my name in feverish worship as I repeated the same movement again and again, “P…please.” I tightened my hands around his, I knew he could get out of it if he wanted to and the fact that he didn’t might have driven me crazier than it did him. I increased my pace especially when he caught a free nipple in his mouth, whenever I took him all the way, he bit on it increasing the need to release but I needed this to last for as long as possible until I couldn’t take it anymore and I released his hands, he took control and slammed me into him so hard and fast that I might have seen the light more than once.

Chief slammed into me again and again that I was convinced he would come out through my mouth, he held me tight with my hands wrapped around his head, my moans in his ear and our groans filled the car under the rain. He was everywhere, in my head, body, soul and heart; I cried out loud as I came and heard his final grunt. We held each other tight and enjoyed the sound of rain mixed with our pants around us, I broke the silence with the words,  “Song, I like you too.”