Classless

Chapter 73- Time

Chapter 73- Time

*Song’s POV*

I heard her smile tiredly and softly as she said the same to me as well, my heart was heavy and I was mad at how helpless and far away I was at the moment. I knew she must have gone through difficulties growing up as she did and I thought maybe it was not as bad as it could be since she was always joking about something and I was reminded of my first impression of her. I had thought that she had dead eyes and somehow convinced myself it was her sarcasm. I wanted to go back in time and protect her from the dangers of this world, I grew up with Adults even if they were not the best but I had a place to sleep, eat and I was taken care of. Fedor never had any of that and no matter how hard I tried, I could not imagine it; it was easy to focus on the woman she was without thinking of what it must have cost her become that impressive, I had more respect for her now especially as she managed to be without residue bitterness. I wanted to ask why she had gone for the party but I was scared of the answer as I  had come to understand more clearly what security and stability meant to her. It was hard to come to the realization that perhaps I was privileged which was why I could do what I wanted and not what I needed. I was most of all sorry that I could not protect her then and I still could not protect her now because I was doing another thing I wanted while she was stuck with what she needed to do. I was angry with myself and I did not understand why she was not angry with me.

The differences between us seemed wider than I had originally assumed, what was a teenage Fedor like? Her psychological analysis only pointed out distinct qualities in her character to which Miss Cecil was certain that she was suicidal due to her fearlessness but the more I knew her, the more I understood how wrong she was. Fedor was the way she was because she had faced bigger monsters than a lecturer in the classroom, she had to be strong because there was no other choice. It was the same with fighting, the first time you get hurt was the worst but the more beatings you take as you grow, it got to a point where your body no longer felt pain as it did the first time, you develop tolerance. Someone once told me the best way to become a good fighter was to be great at getting beaten, my heart clenched as I thought of how many times she must have been hurt to develop that sort of tolerance, and in a way I understood why mother was restless after the death of my father. I knew I would never love another woman and I could not even imagine what I would do if she left this world before me, I don’t even think I would make it another day without her existing on the same plane as I did. We were on our way back home and if I had my way; I would throw all caution to the wind and get to her quickly using all of Martha’s abilities but getting arrested was a sure way of not seeing her, touching her and feeling her soft skin against mine.

Damn it, I was hard again. I was determined not to do anything until I was with her, why did I agree to that abstinence dare, it was crazy! I was out of my mind and I tried to distract myself with reports as I made plans that would ensure that I was never out of her sight for this long again. Jarum had summoned me to his place, he was not bad and I could not classify him as good either but he was a great father to Rwan. He knew just how to handle her, I saw her more as my sister and I did my best to express that no matter how many love confessions she did and it was a good thing Jarum was against the idea as well. Even without Fedor, I had no intentions of being tied down by him or anyone else and so for the first time, we agreed on a matter. Jarum was what most people would describe as an opportunist but he was loyal to those he considered friends as he did with my mother, he was not selfless enough to raise a child that was not his but he did that for my mother. I never forgot it because he never let me forget and so I had to be well-behaved for the earliest part of my life because I got it beaten into me that I was not the same as his children and I should be appreciative of every breath I took because it could be a lot worse for me.