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Chapter 42: I did this

Chapter 42: I did this

*Fedor’s POV*

“It’s impressive the number of reading you had done on this, I thought you were terrible at thinking.” He crossed his arms as he stared up at me on his chair. “I should be happy that you at least put some thoughts into certain things, all hope is not lost yet.”

“Sarcasm?” I asked.

“Bright as the sun! How did I miss that as well?” He smiled drily.

“Are you pretending to be me?” I frowned.

He scoffed, “I can’t take credit for that level of acting. We were together all through last night and not once did it occur to you to discuss this with me, which means one thing, you had no intention to tell me about it. You must have been so relieved when you did not have to make the choice.”

I sighed, I honestly had no clue as to what to say, what could I say that would make this all right, he looked hurt, I didn’t think and there was it again, “I… I don’t know what to say.”

He grunted, “You can’t do this, you can’t choose the pace of this relationship. We talked about movies last night Fedor and all the while you were thinking of ways to get away from me.” He tried hard to lower his tone, veins I did not think he had were visible.

“That’s not it, I don’t want to get away from you.”

“Then how am I supposed to take this? You told me what you expected of me, gave me false hope about our lives from here on out then you turn around and do this? What do you think of me? I need you to explain what you were thinking and why you thought it was all right to do this. Are you having second thoughts about us?”

I paused in silence and blew the air I had been holding, I hated how pained he looked and it was entirely my fault, “I didn’t want to put you in trouble.”

“What?” he asked.

“If we were to be discovered, it would bring more trouble to you than to me and I did not want to be responsible for that, if it is any consolation; I don’t think I would have gone through with it,” I admitted.

He laughed humorlessly, “You were going to make the decision all by yourself without talking to me about it.” He said it as a statement of fact.

“I… I was going to talk to you if I had decided to go through with it, I was weighing my options.” I tried to explain but something about what I said must have thrown him off. Explaining was not making anything easier, I felt like I had stepped on a landmine.

“Until you decided. You, would my opinion had mattered at all?” He asked in a deceptively calm voice.

I thought about it and I knew then that I had not taken what he wanted into consideration and I had assumed that I was doing what was best for both of us without asking for his opinion but I did nothing, my thoughts had not caught up to my actions, why was he so mad? “I… I had not thought that far out yet. I told you, I was only…”