Lander one shots? TMF

Vent🙀

I'm so sorry for those expecting an update to the actual one shots lol IK it must be annoying how much I post all these shitty side chapters.

But I don't know how much longer I'm going to make it. Idk everything just feels absolutely impossible. I'm not living my life, I'm not enjoying my life. I'm absolutely fucking pathetic. The only reason I probably haven't ended it? Is for my bestfriend, who I've never fucking met bc it's an online bestfriwnd(who I love they're great<3), my dog, and a small bit of hope that one day my life will actually have some form of fucking meaning.

I can't do it anymore, laying awake in bed, frozen, covered in cold sweat and swearing on god I hear something or someone's watching me. I see things, I always see things and I hate it. I want to sleep, I want to be well rested, but I can't do that.

I have the most fucking absurd thoughts, thoughts of hanging myself infront of my classmates to see if they'd care, thoughts of harming my classmates, thoughts of running out onto traffic, thoughts of jumping.

I'm absolutely pathetic. The amount of times I've left my class holding back tears while speedwalking to the toilets to cry is unreal. And most of the time? Nobody even did a single thing to me. I got stressed for no reason.

Not only am I a loser in school I'm a loser in my own fucking friendgroup.

I invited them to my house, to hangout. The whole time I was left out of their conversation because they were discussing buying weed and I'm too much of a goody two shoes to try shit like that, I'm an absolute pussy so I sat there and listened in silence, tried to change the subject a few times but ultimately gave up just barely holding back tears

I'm incredibly selfish too, I'll admit it. I look at my friends bodies, I look at other girls bodies, and I feel terrible, but I despise them. I wish I had their bodies. It's awful, it's selfish, it's jealousy. But I can't help feeling that way.

I keep seeing cosplayers cosplay all the characters that I can't because I don't have the body for it, and I hate it.

I don't have a relationship with my two older brothers while they're both as close as can be and spend all day playing games together. Meanwhile, they never talk to me  unless it's to ask a question.

I can't put up with this anymore, I don't know how long I'm going to last, my hope of ever fixing myself is waring thin. I can't help but feel alone. I feel alone and scared. I feel humiliated.

I'm coming real close to the end.