Lander one shots? TMF

Why ive been inactive (Vent)

Someone asked me if I was alright as I hadn't been active in a while, and that made me realise 'Oh shit I can't just leave without telling y'all why what if y'all think I'm dead or sum😰' Anyways! This is a vent with many, many triggering topics. So if you feel UNCOMFY, please do click off<3

Alrighty! I've been having a hard time recently, I've been insecure, self conscious and suicidal.

I cannot be bothered to type all of this out, so I'll just copy and paste a vent I've sent to someone.

Anyways

Suicidal thoughts, intrusive thoughts, SH

|| I'm finding it increasingly hard to focus on anything really. In school I'll zone out, in the shower I'll zone out, watching YT ill zone out, drawing I'll zone out, archery I'll zone out. You get the picture. I think back to everything that's happened/happening in my life, and bringing back unwanted memories, some of which I believe you could probably guess so I won't go into detail of it. However, zoning out is not my issue. Now I'm having CONSTANT thoughts of killing everyone around me(intrusive, not genuine) thoughts of me hanging myself infront of people in my year to see if they'd finally treat me normally in the aftermath, thoughts of jumping out infront of cars on my walk home from school. I've had intrusive thoughts of Kidnapping people who have been mean to me. I can't help it, I hate it, I want it to stop. All of this caused me to relapse back into cutting myself. I don't know what to do, or where to go from here, I'm far too scared to actually commit suicide, but at this point I gen don't want to live. So rn there's gen nothing to do aside from sit here and bare it. ||

Ive been getting bullied lots at school, the one thing that stands out to me is, I have a fainting disorder. One time I passed out in the changing rooms of my school, when I woke up, all the girls were crowding around me, laughing, recording me. Of course, my head was cloudy, I'd just woken up, I was confused, I was scared. I began bawling my eyes out, it seemed to amuse them more.

This happened last year, but people still talk to me about it and send me the videos of it.

In my school, I've been pushed down the stairs, people have held the door of the bathroom closed so I cannot get out, people have been bodyshaming me repeatedly (I am a little bit chubby) and overall nobody in my class (aside from two people) like me, at all.

I am Seen as the joke of my year if you like.

ANYWHO THANKS FOR READING<3 Also pls do not worry abt me😭 I'll sort it out, no worries<3