I can't be a Little? (Completed)

Chapter 45

Luke's pov:

I wake up feeling an overwhelming amount of sadness and anxiety. The house is silent, it still seems dark out, there's no clock in here to figure out what time it is, grabbing the bars to I stand up but the sleep sack makes it impossible. "Ugh stupid thing!" I said sighing. I fiddled with the buttons on the shoulders for what feels like an eternity but I finally managed to ping them open. I quickly wiggled out of it kicking it to the side of the empty crib. Standing up my forehead is the same height as the top railing. "Fuck sakeee !!" I said trying to find the latch that I see daddy use to open it.  *click click* and it slowly slides down. I smiled smugly  to myself as I swing my legs out letting them hang until they are touching the floor, which doesn't come. I feel panicked and let myself drop with a thud onto my wet bum. Standing up I walked over to my closest I want to get out of this sleeper and wet diaper. I grab a tshirt and a pair of navy blue pants, I look at the row of diapers grabbing one of the ones that look the thinnest. I pull open my sleeper and onside, drag the diaper tabs which much difficulty open letting it plop to the floor. My small fingers struggle to fit the new diaper snug but I get it around my waist loosely. Pulling on the clothes it feels so much more difficult than it use too.

Walking over to the door I peak out making sure there's no one out there, I sneak over to turner room to see him fast asleep sucking on his paci. I walk up to him stick my arms through the bars poking his cheek earning a whine. I do it again making his eyes flicker open. "Lulu?" He said behind the paci. "Are you little turner?" I said whispering to not wake the others. He sits up rubbing his eyes spitting out the paci. "Hmm no just sleepy? Why you awake? What time is it?" Turner whispered looking around. I just shrugged, looking down. "Help me out?" Turner said making me look up nodding. I tell him what button to press as I can't reach it. The bars slowly lower and turner slides himself down to the floor.

"Are you ok Luke?" He said walking to me as I keep looking down. I just shake me head no, I feel tears build in my eyes as I blink them away. I feel turners arms wrap around me. "Come with me" turner said grabbing his blanket taking my hand guiding us into his bathroom. "Papa has a monitor in the room he might hear us" he said very slowly closing the door over. He placed his blanket on the floor and pulled me to sit down.

"Tell me what's wrong?" He said rubbing my leg as I sat with them crossed my hands on my eyes. "I I can't do this" I said with a shaky voice. "Do what lu?" I look up at him tears streaming down my face. "I I hate all this, it's fine when I feel little, I just, I hate myself when I'm big, I just want to be myself again" I said sobbing leaning into him. I feel selfish for waking him for this, he's got his own problems, I just wanted someone who can understand without coddling me.

"Oh Luke" turner said pulling me in to a hug. "I understand" there a heavy silence. I hold in my sobs to keep silent. "I just want to end it all, this is not worth it anymore, if I can't be myself I don't want to be here anymore" I choke out, Iv been trying to put it all to the back of my head. I start to have a panic attack, I can vaguely hear turner telling me to breathe and that were in this together. "I I I'm sorry, I can't, I" I barely get out, "do you want me to get jacob? Or Ryan?" I heard turner say and I shake my head no. "They will just cuddle me until I drop again. I want to be big, I want to be Luke, I want to be me again!" I said looking up at him. Turner is staring at me with sadness and also looking terrified. "Luke you need help, I can only do so much, we're in this together but you need proper support" he said pulling me in for a hug as he cried aswell. "How are you not feeling like this?" I asked. "I don't know I just feel right, it's comfortable, I do miss my old self but I have found to like my new self, it's taking time" . I look at him confused,Why can't I feel like that.

"I'm happy for you turner, I wish I was like you, I just can't do this anymore I'm sorry" I said standing up to leave. " Luke no wait!" He said pulling on my arm, as we walked through his room as I am heading back to mine, I don't know what I'm planning on doing but my mind is blurry and my heart is aching. "Jacob!! Ryan!! Help please!!" Tuner said as he continued to pull on my arm, I give him a look for betraying me. I should have not said anything and delt with it myself.

All 4 men run out of their rooms. "Look what you've done!!" I said pulling free running into my room sliding under the crib sobbing. "Lukie what's happening?" Jacob said standing in my doorway. "Turner what's happened?" I heard Ryan asked turner. "I I think he's going to try and hurt himself again!" Turner said crying in the hall. I block out his crys, jacobs arms are reaching for me under my crib, "get away, leave me aloneeeee please" I choke out between sobs.

"Lukie come out and we can talk about things" Jacob said as I swat away his hands. "I want to be Luke again, I want to be big, I want to stay big. I don't want to do this anymore!! I hate me" I scream out kicking my legs gasping for air, my crotch getting wet leaking onto my bottoms through my poorly fitted diaper.

Through my panic attack I feel myself getting dragged out and pulled into a bear hug, I scream in frustration at being overpowered. I see the vague outline of Ben Troy and Ryan holding a crying turner in his arms over at the doorway. "Let me go Jacob !! Please!!! I choke out as I continue to kick and scream gasping for air. My tiny frail body being no match for Jacob large form. He held a paci to my lips but I slapped it out of his hands. I seen ski being held up to me, my currently subdued little wanted to reach out to him for comfort but my big brain acted 1st "get that stupid fucking thing out of my face!" I screamed looking at Jacob to see him crying, as I continued to struggle quickly loosing the reserved strength I had left hearing one of the others say "I think we need to bring him to see someone before he hurts himself" was the last think I remember before crying myself to sleep.

Jacobs pov:

My heart was in my throat hearing turners pleads for help from the hall. To see my precious little Luke having a full meltdown, I had no clue what was happening when he ran scooting under his crib. The pure terror in his eyes as he said he hated himself, I though he had been more comfortable, clearly I had Let my guard down and was failing him, I manage to pull him out noticing his wet crotch relising that's the lease of our worries. His small body trying to do everything to get away from me, I had tears running down my face as he rejected his comfort items. I rocked us back and forth slowly slowly trying to sooth his blood curdling screams. One of the boys mentioned getting him professional help, to which I agreed as Luke struggles lessoned as he cried himself to sleep,  "can you guys help me take his crib into my room beside my bed?" I Asked as I stood with him in my arms a few stray tears staining our cheeks as I change his diaper replacing a 2 piece pj set to try not dress him in his typical sleeper. I carry him through to my room placing him down with a blanket and ski. I lay in bed looking at him terrified of what he might do leaving me sleepless as I watch over him. I do some research of a psychologist who specialises in littles, saving the phone number to call in the morning.