Daryl's Girl

Chapter 56

As Rick disappeared everyone's faces turned to look at me. I didn't expect Rick to just come out with it like that. The last thing I wanted was for him to take the fall for what I'd done. It was me who killed Shane not him. It's me that has to live with the guilt. It shouldn't be him.

"You knew?" Daryl questioned disappointedly and everyone shook their heads.

"Yeah." I nodded. "But-"

"And you didn't say anything?" Lori interrupted.

"I was going to tell you. I was." I told them and glanced over at Hershal. I'd lied to him saying I was just out on a walk. I just had to come out with it. No more secrets. "It's like I said. He killed Randall and staged the whole thing. I was on my way back to tell you all when I ran into him and Rick. Shane kept going and Rick caught onto what he was doing but the both of us followed him. It all happened from there, but it didn't happen the way Rick said it did...He didn't kill Shane...I did."

"Why?" Lori spat.

I looked over to her and saw Carl staring back at me. To him I was probably just another monster. "Shane was dangerous. He had a gun pointed to my head. If I hadn't had done what I did, neither Rick or myself would be here right now. That goes for Glenn and Daryl too. He threatened you all and he told us about how he'd come up with a story. How Randall attacked us and he killed him before heading back to the farm. Rick took the blame and I wished he hadn't but now you know the truth."

No one said anything. They mostly just shook and bowed their heads. What I'd told them was clearly hard hitting and it was up to them if they believed me or not. Now all that was left was to tell Rick that I'd told them the truth. I just didn't know what he was going to say.

I stood up and walked out following Rick. He was stood leaning up against the one of the cars with his hands on the bonnet and looked up once I got closer. I think what made the whole situation worse for me was that I'd not come cleaner sooner. I shouldn't have let Rick take the blame. His hands were clean in this mess.

"They know." I told him, placing my hands in my pockets and leaning up against the car. "I told them everything. You know you didn't have to take the fall for me."

"You didn't have to do that. You should've let me take the blame." He sighed.

"No. It was me who killed him and it's me who has to live with the guilt. Shane had an obsession. He was putting everyone in danger. He would've killed anyone who stood in his way. You know that." I replied and began to get emoional. "It's like Dale said, this world changes people. It's not like it used to be...I used to hate killing. Even walkers at one point. I used to stand back and wait for them to be gone. It was Tyler who helped me. Then with Dale, I stood by him to save Randall. I was so passionate about it. Now look. This world's changed me. I'm not the same person you first met. Knowing I've killed someone in cold blood. The fact that, although, I feel guilty about it, I don't regret it...I'm not sure how I'm supposed to live with that." I stopped as I could feel a tear falling down my cheek.

I quickly wiped it away hoping that Rick hadn't seen it but it was too late. He stood straight before turning me to face him and hugging me. "Lily, you didn't kill him. We both did. Shane was dangerous. He was my friend. My brother but he was dangerous. We did what we had to to keep everyone safe. If we hadn't you and I wouldn't be standing here. Glenn and Daryl wouldn't be here. Who knows who else...Being a sheriffs deputy meant that killing someone was part of the job. It doesn't get easier but you learn to live with it. You have to, or it eats you up inside."

Rick was right but once one tear fell, I couldn't stop them. I blame myself for so many things. Before and after. Sophia being another one. "It's not just Shane. I blame myself for Sophia." I sobbed. "It's like I killed her too...I stupidly listened to Tyler...I knew...I knew I should've gone after her but I didn't. Maybe if I had she'd still be here. Carl wouldn't have got shot. None of this would've happened."

"That wasn't your fault." Rick hugged me again and we stayed stood like that for a moment as I cried.

"What the hell is this?" Someone yelled from behind. Both Rick and I seperated to see Daryl and Lori standing behind us. Both with angered expressions on their faces.

For a moment the four of us just stood looking at one another as I wiped my cheeks. I just needed time to myself. Time to think about what Rick had said. That and I didn't want to have to be the one to repeat everything I'd just said to Rick, especially to Lori.

"Lily, are you okay?" She asked as she walked over to Rick and I. I just shrugged my shoulders and walked past her. I did the same with Daryl as he stuck his arms out to stop me.

I then walked down the road a little ways before I slowly sat down on the ground with my back towards the others. It was quiet, almost peaceful. I just sat there and twisted my knife between my fingers, thinking about what it was I needed to keep going. I meant it when I said to Rick that I didn't know how to live with the guilt but he was right. I just had to accept what I'd done and keep going because all it'll do is eat me up inside. I had to find the strength inside me to try and move past blaming myself for Sophia. Things happen to us for a reason and I had to keep my mind focused on surviving this thing and making sure everyone around me is safe.

As I sat there, I went onto thinking about the town. Debating with myself on whethter that was a secret that needed to be kept or whether we had to go for them before they came for us. In some ways it's similar to the whole barn situation. It wasn't a problem until everyone knew about it. I also started thinking about my dad. On where he could be, on if he was alive or if he was with my neighbour Norman. Maybe if Tyler had found him somewhere and with the days and nights getting colder, were they safe? If we're lucky, we might just make it through the winter together.

I closed my eyes and began taking a few deep breaths before I eventually calmed myself down. I pictured my family and remembered the good times we spent together. That all ended the day the dead started showing up. I knew thinking about it would only get me started again so I gently shook my head and opened my eyes.

The moon and stars were covered by the clouds and I had goosebumps over my body. The cold winters night was definitely setting on us all and without somewhere to settle down, who knows what might happen. Maybe we'll scrape by, maybe we'll freeze or maybe everything might just be alright. We had each other and the truth was finally out and I did have to admit it was like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I had a feeling Rick felt the same way.

I took one last deep breath before I decided to go back and join the others. I stood up, placing my knife back into my belt and turned around. Daryl was leaning up against one of the rock ruins looking over at me. He was probably making sure nothing snuck up on me. "How long have you been there?" I asked.

"Not long." He replied. "You alright?"

I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a small smile "Gotta be."

He then abandoned leaning up against the wall and stepped towards me. "Rick told me what you said. You don't have to be guilty about it. What ever Shane did, if he wasn't dead already I'd kill him." He hugged me.

"I saw him come out of the shed when I was putting our things away. Obviously Randall was with him so I followed him. I think he knew I was there but he didn't do anything. I watched as he snapped Randall's neck then bloodied up up his own face. Like I said, I ran into Rick and Shane on my way back. I didn't know what his plan was and I needed to expose him before he killed anyone else. Everytime I tried to speak, Shane would stop me. Then we came to a clearing. Rick was in front and Shane had his arm wrapped around my neck. He held his gun to my head. Then Shane and Rick started arguing and everytime I said anything Shane kept tightening his grip. By the end he was almost chocking me and it wasn't until then I found out you and Glenn were out there too." I sighed as I tried to stop my tears from falling again. "Shane loaded the gun and put his finger on the trigger. I stabbed him in the chest before he could do anything else and he drowned in his own blood. He turned. At the time I didn't know how but it was Carl that put him down."

Daryl's facial expression didn't change. "You're tough. Tougher than you realise." He shook his head and placed his hand softly on my wound. I tried my hardest not to flinch as I didn't want them to know the part where the gun had gone off and hit me and how it had been treated. I didn't want them to know about Woodbury. "I wanna show you something. Come on."

I looked at him with a puzzled expression on my face as he lead me over to his motorcycle and started ro rummage around in his pouch.