Living with Jennifer Lawrence

[57:] Why?

Jen's P.O.V.

I slept through most of the trip, which only lasted a few hours.

Right before I boarded the plane, I texted Josh that I was on my way home, but I wanted to see my kids first.

He said he understood.

Once I got off the plane, I trudged my suitcase along, scanning the crowd of people.

I got to witness families reuniting. The hugs, the tears of joy, everything I got to see.

But where was my family?

After what seemed like endless searching, I finally found my mother, and next to her were my kids.

Barely able to contain my excitement, I ran towards them, and they did the same to me.

The tears flowed freely, and I didn't care who saw them.

“I missed you so much!” I said while in tears. I pulled from the hug just to look at them.

Maddie looked thinner, and Jason's hair was a bit longer.

“We missed you too,” Maddie said for the both of them.

A few days earlier, I had bought each of them a gift. Jason has shown an interest in sports, especially baseball, so I got him baseball memorabilia and for Maddie, I got her souvenirs, for she mentioned that she wants to one day travel as much as me.

I tried not to seem alarmed, so I acted calm and went to my mother.

“I hope they weren't too much trouble,” I told her, and she smiled and hugged me.

“Not at all.” She took my suitcase, and whispered, “But I think I should tell you some things about Maddie.”

Again, I tried to remain calm. But Maddie has lived with me for so long, she could see right through me. Her face was filled with concern. “Is everything all right?”

“Yes,” I assured her. “Yes, everything is fine. I'm just tired . . . How about we all go to the car and head on home?”

Maddie and her brother walked ahead of us, and my mother kept her voice at a low tune. “She was acting good at first, she really is a lovely child. But then she didn't want to eat and---”

“Did you make her eat?” I ask, starting to remember about the times where she struggled with food.

“I tried. . . She showed improvement, she really did. I'm just really worried about her, that's all.”

“Okay, I'll keep an eye on her.”

***

My mother was nice enough to drop the three of us off at my house, and then she went home. I thanked her again for taking good care of my children.

I unlock the door and open it. I missed my house, my backyard, my pool.

I gave them their gifts, and they showed bright smiles and were very appreciative. Jason went to his room to put everything away. Maddie stayed downstairs with me.

As I began to slowly unpack, I asked her, “How's school?”

“Good.” That was her automatic response to almost everything. “How was your day?” “Good.” “How are you?” “Good.”

She could easily be lying to me.

“Have you made any new friends since I've been gone?”

“No,” she quickly responded. “I don't have many friends.”

“Oh . . . I'm sorry, Maddie.”

“It's whatever,” she muttered.

I stopped what I was doing and I looked into her beautiful blue eyes. “You know you could tell me anything, right?”

“Yes, I know.”

“Okay, good. I was just reminding you. You can tell me anything. I don't care what it is. If you ever fell in love, tell me. If you ever got pregnant---”

“Pregnant?” she said. “No way, I don't want any kids.”

“Maddie, you don't know what could happen . . .”

She crossed her arms. “I don't want kids.”

“And that's completely fine, I'm not ready to be a grandma anyway.” I laughed a little. “I'm serious, though. Think of me like your best friend, you can tell me anything, okay?”

“Okay.”

I didn't want to press on the issue of her not eating, so I didn't speak of it just yet.

“You know what we haven't done in a long time?” I asked her.

She looked at me, as if saying, What?

“Movie night. I want to do that again. How about you put on your pajamas, ask your brother if he wants to join us, and I'll go order pizza. How does that sound?”

“Good.” There we go with her automatic responses again.

***

“Jason said thanks, but no thanks. He wants to play video games but would like some pizza,” Maddie informs me.

I had already ordered two boxes, and they should arrive within the next half-hour.

“Okay, that's fine. I'll put on my pajamas and while I do that, you go on Netflix and pick a movie to watch.”

I walk upstairs and check up on Jason, and he's sprawled out on the large beanbag chair I bought for him. He politely said hello, and I just said I was checking up on him.

My room was the same as I had left it.

After slipping into my pajamas, I head back downstairs with Maddie, who was still scrolling through the list of movies.

“Still can't find anything?”

“No,” she said.

“Well, if you want to stop looking, you can. I have a case of DVDs over there.” I point to the shelf near the TV.

She got up and looked through them, giggling when she pulled out The Hunger Games.

“Do you buy all the movies you're in?”

“Not necessarily. I just happen to love that story and wanted a copy of it.”

“Did you like Josh back then?”

I thought about it. “He was with Claudia at the time.”

Before she could say anything, the doorbell rang, meaning the pizza was here.

I gave the delivery guy a generous tip. Satisfied, he left.

We settled on Avatar, and we sat back on the couch, with pizza, plates, and drinks in hand.

About an hour into the movie, Maddie conked out and I heard her soft snores.

I put her plate and cup in the sink.

She was on her back, and had a hand over her face. She looked so peaceful.

She also wore bracelets that I had never seen before. They looked nice, and homemade. I got a closer look and stared at the beads.

In her sleep, she moved a little, causing the bracelets to shift, and that's when I saw it.

The series of cuts along her wrist.

Trying not to cry, a hand flew over my mouth.

How could I let this happen?

Last time I was with her, she was getting better, and then I leave, and now she gets worse.

I blink back tears, but when that doesn't work, I figure she's asleep, so I let them fall.

One word was in my mind: Why?