Living with Jennifer Lawrence

[91:] Oh Baby

Maddie

Jen suggested it was about time I get new clothes. She kept offering to take me to the store. I was almost six months along at this point. Time was going by fast.

My clothes became too tight to wear. I mainly wore stretchy leggings with baggy t-shirts. I was most comfortable wearing those types of clothes.

"How about I take you to the mall?" Jen pressed on. "I want to get you some more outfits at least. Seems like you wear the same thing all the time."

She was right. "Okay, okay, I'll go." I didn't understand why she was in such a hurry for us to leave, but I didn't say anything.

***

Living with Jennifer Lawrence has gotten easier in some ways. I called her "mama" every chance I could. I was now part of the family, and things were never awkward when Jen or Josh's parents or siblings came over. We all got along just fine. Me and Jen's brothers have been working on our own secret headshake.

But there's something I don't know if I'll ever get used to: the paparazzi. It was especially hard at first, being surrounded by flashing lights, wearing ridiculous outfits or costumes so I wouldn't be seen. I even tried on colorful wigs, and somehow, they were still able to figure out who I was.

There was a short period of time where I didn't want to go outside. I didn't want the extra attention. I loved my mother, father and two brothers and I wanted to live with them in peace.

For this time around, I wore large round sunglasses, and a mustard yellow hoodie. It was April, and I still felt chilly at times. Jen showed off her long legs and wore shorts.

She wanted to drive, and I sat back in the passenger seat and let her.

"I remember when I was pregnant," she said out of nowhere.

I did, too, though she never told me much about her experience. I didn't think I'd need to know until I was thirty or something, with my first child on the way. Life doesn't always go the way you want it to, but for me, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I remained quiet and let her continue, but instead, she said something I didn't expect: "I just wanted to tell you that you're so strong. I can't even imagine all the things you've been through, including your childhood."

I tried for so long not to think about my past. I'd been living with Jen for six years. I remember all the nightmares I had, and the other day, I had a nightmare that Mr. Smith knocked on the front door, and wanted me back. He always had a creepy smile, and it gave me chills.

"And now you're dealing with this, and... I wanted you to know that I'm here for you, okay? This must be so, so hard, and I just wish I could take away your pain so I can go through everything instead."

I didn't know what made her want to say those things.

"I promise to be the best mother I could be." Her voice was shaky.

"You already are," I blurted out. "You really are the best."

Then she really began to cry. "I couldn't imagine my life with you in it. You and your brothers are the best things to have ever happened to me. And it hurts my heart to see you in any kind of pain. If you ever needed anything, you could always come to me."

She went on. "Pregnancy was one of the hardest things I went through, and so was my miscarriage,"—at a stoplight, she stared at her wrist, the one with the tattoo on it—"just know you'll always have me."