Living with Jennifer Lawrence

[63:] Break

Jen

Lipstick was being smeared on my lips.

“Looking radiant as ever, Jennifer!” one of the hairstylists said.

While I was getting pampered for the next Dior photoshoot, which I've done more and more lately,  it's been difficult being away from my son. 

Ryan has grown so fast, I just can't believe it. I remember how it felt to hold him for the first time, his tiny body cradled in my arms. Though I'm a horrible singer, I try and sing him to sleep from time to time. When I first started doing it, the baby's cries became even more deafening, and Josh laughed through it all. 

Josh. 

He, too, had matured so much in the past six months. The two of us went from having pillow fights and pizza nights to changing hundreds, if not, thousands of dirty diapers. We went from sleeping in and having sporadic date nights to waking up with bags under our eyes. Being a parent is one of the most difficult things I've had to endure. It's a constant job, never ending. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. It's just exhausting and dealing with postpartum depression didn't help either. 

During the first few weeks of Ryan's life, I had gotten released from the hospital and everything was exciting. He slept through the entire first ride home and I kept staring at him with pure love and awe and adoration. He had a head full of hair, which explains all of the heartburn I had to experience. I'm still not sure if there's a direct correlation between having heartburn and the amount of hair a baby will have, or maybe it was just a coincidence. 

The first few weeks were rough. Ryan would scream and cry every few hours and sleep seemed impossible to have. Maddie and Jason often complained about being unable to sleep. I always reassured them that things will get better. 

I can't remember the exact moment the depression kicked in. I'd heard all about it from the countless number of health and parenting books I've read. It was a slow progression, and before I knew it, I couldn't function anymore. Everything was overwhelming, and of course I had two older children, but that was different. I couldn't bring myself to eat anymore, and I always had an urge to cry. Josh was patient with me, though it was impossible for him to understand what I was going through or how I was feeling. He became the “mother” for a bit, bathing our son and feeding him and changing his diaper when necessary. Maddie and Jason helped, too. Maddie had gotten better at taking care of the baby and Jason helped with other parts of the house. The boys even painted the kitchen walls yellow in hopes of making me feel better. 

Josh encouraged me to keep doing what I love, and got more roles. One in Mother!, and the other is Red Sparrow, where I get to play a Russian spy, and getting to film again has been so refreshing. Josh has been on a much needed hiatus, and we have enough money to last us a long time, so we aren't worried to much about finances. 

The photoshoot was all a blur. I vaguely remember being covered in makeup, having my hair done, the strong scent of hairspray, and changing out of several uncomfortable outfits. The photographer complimented me multiple times, which was nice to hear, and then I left. I'd gotten into the car went for a drive, completely zoned out the entire time.

***

The first thing I noticed when opening the door was the spilled orange juice. Maddie rushed to get paper towels to clean it up.

“Hi!” She seemed tense and I didn't like it. “How are you? How are you feeling?”

I placed my purse on the countertop. I'd been seeking medical help during the first few months Ryan was home and my health has improved. “Better. I'm just glad to be home.” I pull her in for a hug.

Curious about the lack of noise, I ask her, “Where are the boys?”

“Oh, they're outside.” Something was up, I could tell. Maddie hardly ever fights back a smile. 

Did they break something? A light bulb? Worse? 

“You can't go out there yet, but soon,” Maddie said. “How about we watch your favorite show?”

I was more concerned about what was going on outside than what drama was happening in the Kardashian's lives. I walked towards the door, but Maddie stood in front of me. “No, no, not yet. Patience, woman,” she teased. 

“She's here!” Maddie shouted to no one in particular. “And I can't keep her in here for much longer!”

Then there was a faint, “Okay, just bring her out here!” Josh, of course. 

Maddie gently grabbed my hand and led us out through the back doors. 

The sunset looked gorgeous, and I saw the projector first. 

We were having a movie night as a family. 

My heart swelled up with joy and tears began to form. “Aw, don't cry.” Josh came up to me with the baby in his hands and kissed my cheek. “We figured you needed a break from everything. Also, I got Ryan to burp, so I win.” We had a little “competition” to see who could get Ryan to burp first, and since I'd been at the photoshoot all day, this was clearly an unfair advantage. But I wanted to enjoy this moment, so I didn't care. Besides, I could just beat him to it tomorrow. 

So that was that. We all bonded together as a family, and everything seemed perfect until that night.

***

He stared at me with wanting eyes.

I couldn't see him because the lights were so dark, but I could feel his presence regardless.

It felt so long since I touched a wanting hand. The bed creaked a bit from all the movement, but everyone was asleep and we were cautious about what we were doing. It all felt so right, until the lights came on, revealing a familiar face.

But it wasn't Josh.

That's when I woke up in cold hard sweat and realized that I just had a dream about another man.

***

Aaaaand, scene! Well, all relationships aren't perfect, right?

(I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN OVER A YEAR, WOW.)

It is my goal to finish this story once and for all! You deserve that much.