Primrose | REVIEW SHOP [ OPEN ]

✦ { Ketzel } Smile...for me El?

Client: evangelinee7r3

Reviewer: LuneWindshire

Depth of story: It's your YA romance. I really like the interactions between El (Eloise) and C. Cliches aren't obvious, but give the story an overall comforting feel.

Prose:

Style: The writing style is simple, which is fitting for the story. It flows like spoken thoughts, though it could benefit from being less literal, immersing the reader in the story. (The use of present tense also contributes to this.) Careful of the overuse of 'roll my eyes', 'smirk' (Appears twice in two consecutive paragraphs in Chapter 2), 'mumble'. Some lines feel awkward and/or chunky, such as "and I internally winced" (Chapter 3) would be smoother if it was "I winced internally" (but that's just a stylistic choice, and I'm not much better anyways).

Grammar and Spelling: Generally fine. Nothing much to say here, except for the punctuation, for example in Chapter 2. (I mumble glancing away) could benefit with a comma. There are other areas but it's generally fine otherwise. Personally, I don't really like the "??" punctuation but that's just my personal preference to swap it for "?!".

Simplicity of language: Language is simple and accessible. Is there a reason for writing "frick" then "f*ck" interchangeably? Language is actually kind of basic, which is perfectly fine, though might benefit from some ornamentation/variety. Please, "annoying" could be swapped for other words such as "irksome" or "irritating" as I feel that otherwise, C's vocabulary is exceedingly limited.

Show not tell: Show not tell could be used more, to express El's and C's emotions instead of just their actions. The first person perspective could be exploited more, because this is a good story so expanding the emotions/introspection could be really beneficial to it as emotions are mostly stated or handed to us on a silver platter, which might stand in the way of emotional connection to the characters.

Set up:

The set up is flexible, with the characters and motivations made clear. I feel like the romance is rushed into, so it could probably have a slower build up till the time they get all hot and blushing etc.Nice intrigue and hook, could be introduced a bit sooner, the hostility between Aaron and Eloise.

Sensory descriptions:

It mostly includes actions, and stating the emotions. To tie back to show not tell.

Authenticity:

Interactions and characters feel authentic. Interactions feel natural, though in some areas it can feel slightly forced (like when she offers to babysit). The characters are believable, and we can see some of their quirks, faults, annoyances. Whatever profanity is used serves to elevate the characters and make them feel three dimensional, not crude.

Characters:

Characters are well-written and relatable, though as I've said before, emotions are usually stated / told to the reader/ on the nose. Careful not to make C too godlike/perfect or readers may not be able to connect to him as much. Overall, characters feel relatable, and authentic. We are mostly unaware of how to characters feel, etc. until another character just suddenly tells them that, which is actually pretty confusing sometimes. (No mention of feeling terrible, just sneezing, until C's friends tell him that he looks like shit and he suddenly thinks that he feels like it.) Eloise feels kind of childlike sometimes, which doesn't really fit her tone sometimes but it's fine.

Originality:

I really like the idea of the bet, and how it sort of goes into a romance. It's original, not cliched or anything. (Except for perhaps his possessiveness/defensiveness towards Eloise. Careful on that.) And the twist where Aaron kisses C is really suprising but fits the plot. ‪‪❤︎‬

Passion:

The story draws the reader in, I think the author likes the characters and the story too. It's honestly one of the best Wattpad books I've read, a really enjoyable read that I highly recommend. The suspense is well written, the characters are good, and the plot is great.