Guarded

Fighting

he responded i didnt say anything "you know what save you the trouble I'll sleep on the couch" he walked out of the room i started crying i hate my life why does this have to happen to me I crawled into his bed and cried into his pillow i cried myself to sleep

Next morning 7 am I woke up in Justin's bed i put my glasses on and stood up and walked out of the room

Justin was standing there without a shirt on i glaced up and down his body woah what was I missing holy crap he's hot "oh I'm sorry I'll put a shirt on so I can hug you" he snobbed

i rolled my eyes i passed him nudging him on purpose i put my uggs on and walked off the bus he followed me and grabbed my hand and pulled me into the building i let go of him he started sound check and rehearsal with his dancers he was on boyfriend I was jealous of his dancers

he saw me mad "take five" he tells his dancers they stop the music he comes over to me I stood up  "what's wrong with you" he asked "nothing" I lied "so now your lying to me perfect" he snapped

"i was jealous of your dancers" i told him "oh but you won't get dressed in front of me" he snapped "i can't don't you understand....I live with what he did to me every day of my life....he made me bleed..... I can't" i cried

"but i keep telling you i'm not him you don't get it i thought you trusted me do you know how hard it it's for me to wake up knowing that you don't want to have sex with me" he snapped

"do you know how hard it is to wake up everyday knowing your dad has been inside of you the person who is supposed to tell you not to have sex the person  you thought would never hurt breaks you into tiny little pieces" i confessed uneasily to him crying

He didn't say anything "Now come on justin what the hell do you want from me" i snapped continuing "SEX" he blurted out the room got quite

i ran out of the arena crying  i ran into Justin's room on his bus i sat down on the bed and cried into my hands someone opened the door and walked in then sat down on the bed in front of me the person

grabbed my chin and brought my face up i had my eyes closed i opened them justin placed his lips on my lips and kissed me with a long, delicate , gentle,  loving, soft , sweet, and warm kiss then pulled away he wiped my tears "i'm sorry, i love you, and I shouldn't of blurted that out" he explained to me he wiped my tears "i'm sorry I'm pushing you" he whispered

"You think I don't want to have sex with you" i asked him he nodded "i wanna have sex with you too but I'm scared not of you but because of what I told you I'm not scared of you" i explained to him he wiped my tears and kissed me passionately then deepened the kiss then pulled away

1 month later

I'm back in California i had a 5 photoshoots since I've been back for different magazines and today I am doing my first ever interview on TV with Ellen i am wearing (pic above) The show starts and she introduced me and i walked out and waved to the audience they clapped i Hugged ellen "nice to meet you" i acknowledged we sat down "nice to meet you too" she answered

The audience stopped clapping "so this is your first ever tv interview and your on my show how do you feel" she asked "i'm nervous" i told her "you released because of you tell us the meaning behind it" she tells me

"because of you, is me in a world i didn't want to be in i wanted to kill myself for the longest time I tried to 3 times and now I look back and I see that, that person wasn't me it was someone else telling me who they thought I was and now I'm stronger then i was" i explained the audience clapped