Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 3

I fear what is going to occur. Yet, I know I must face my fears. I have so many fears. I just know I am going to freak out. I spend a ton of time worrying. I can't see myself living in the moment. Little am I noticing, I am doing it right now. I overlook things. I know I will overcome the challenges. I just know how I get before I do something. I always seem to think about how I won't succeed. I am always preparing for the worst.

When it comes to being in my house, I know I am in trouble for something when I am on my way home. I am so used to the mistakes I make. Believe me, there are a bunch of them. I know who I am on the inside. I just know I keep repeating things. I should be learning. Yet, it's as if I have put up a wall. I have been known for doing that too. I may not love my life all the time. It doesn't mean I don't like certain parts. I enjoy going to church on Sundays. I like being able to have this writing gift. I like how I can text and make my friends laugh. I enjoy being able to spend time with a boy. I got to mention boys somewhere.

I try to map things out. I know my plans don't come out right. It does not mean they don't happen. It just seems to happen later. I know it's part of God's doing. He gives me the things I want when he feels I deserve them. I am happy now. I am happy because everything around me is coming together. It's great seeing my mom smile all big. These past two weeks I have been a sour puss. Last week my throat just kept bothering me. Each time I woke up, it hurt to swallow.

I am glad my mom got me halls. I will be happy once I know how far I can go in life. When it comes to closing the doors, I put up a wall. For some the doors stays closed. For others, it's trying to stay open. Yet, I won't let it. I just keep trying to block them from my mind. Even though I know at some point I will lose. I don't like to accept defeat.

I know not accepting defeat is a problem. In my case, it makes me try harder. I like to use all that's in me. It works better than drowning myself in my sorrows. I have done that so many times. I am glad I have learned to put things into words. I do feel angry when I am in the kitchen with my mom. I feel angry because I am not good at it. My siblings feel my food tastes like paper. My mom likes things done a certain way.

I hate being in the kitchen. I can't clean it the way she does. I wish I could. Yet, I know it won't happen. One day in the future, I will have my own kitchen. I will remember this. I will remember everything. I am stuck with the same thoughts. I hate so many things. I am not happy; I can't get to use what I learn at church at home. You are supposed to apply what you learn at church to your home life. It's very frustrating trying to get your younger siblings to understand why you used to be a cutter. I didn't even think I was going to stop cutting myself.

When I had stopped, I was worried about how to deal with my anger. Yet, when I had that relapse, I seriously thought I could of or was going to stop. My friends decided to give me an intervention. They also enrolled me into therapy. Of course, by that time I had thoughts about death. I know wanting to be dead was a bad thing. It just seemed like my only answer. With how I get towards my family, my friends have asked how come I don't smoke.

One time my mom asked out of curiosity. To me I know I would be smoking to stop stressing myself out. I would probably want one each day. I just get frustrated trying to get my younger brothers and sisters to listen to me. I hit hard, so I know hitting them won't solve anything. Yelling and putting them in the corner doesn't work either. Telling my mom just amps them up even more when she's gone.

I don't have any solution. I just know I am ready to go to college. I want to be away from this constant irritation. I have gotten so mad to the point where my stomach was swelled. My mom just started wondering if I was pregnant. I don't have a line coming up to my chest, so that idea was a lie. I just get annoyed quickly these days.

I dislike this home life of mine. I have written stories about my life. I have written them to where I can change my endings. They always come out happy. It makes me mad because my happy endings never come. I know my life is better than others. It just gnaws at me how angry I am around my family. Your family is supposed to be the people you can be yourself around. Yet there is too much yelling and arguing. I know I have accomplished so much outside of my family. I want the chance to finish succeeding without them. I know I can do it. It just takes some determination and courage.

It's now September and now that I'm leaving the days want to go by slow. This time I am not minding it. I don't think I am bothered by it, because I have been occupied. I have been spending time with my boyfriend, Mike. When I am with him I just want to treasure the moments. I have managed to smoke a cigarette this week. I know smoking is bad for you. It helped calm me down though. Anyway, there are things I have been trying to do before I leave.

There have been times when I thought my mom wasn't going to send me. I guess God gave the push. My father has been watching for years. I'm still reading his book. It's 66 books in one. I have been reading for a while. I am still in the Old Testament though. I know I can surpass it. I am doing well. I just know I doubt myself a lot. Since I realized I only have 2 weeks left in Delaware, I am trying to enjoy it. I am being happy. I have already told my friends too.

My friends have left for college. Some of them have stayed. It's just not that many. We are all still proud of each other. Each day I follow the same routine. A part of me is just screaming inside. The other day I had an evil thought in my mind. I was just mad because my younger siblings weren't listening.

I keep thinking about how many times I have written about my life. I keep thinking about how I can take my journals and make an even better story, than my last autobiography. I love my family. I just don't know why my writing about my life seems to make me feel better. I try to join in when certain things happen. Other times I just try to stay away from it all. I like to think about when I used to swing at the playground. While I was swinging, I would be singing. I used to enjoy doing that. I have thoughts all the time. I know there are others just like me. I learned God gave me the gift of being a student.

I enjoy learning new things. I love history and especially English. I know there were times when I got bored at school. I just found other things to work on. The four years I spent in high school I pushed myself. There were many sins I committed. As soon as I learned how horrible those things were, I changed. I have changed myself many times. I just can't seem to satisfy myself. I am still just average. Of course, there is no one like me.

When I lived in Florida, I used my surroundings to write my stories. I started writing about my life, and that's when I realized the emotions in my story changed. It went from always being happy to being sad, and angry, and everything in between.