Tangled and Challenged

Part 9 continued: Feeling Better

Chapter 1:

There are times when I sit at my computer and I just pore my heart out. I have come to understand no matter how much truth I tell, my siblings and my mom will always try to counteract it. They will lie to protect themselves. It's not that I don't understand the situation. I understand what's going on just fine. I know our lives are hard and that we must try to do everything we can to make it better. I have been getting very frustrated for some time now. I don't know why I am like that. There is just something going on inside which is causing me to feel out of sorts. I know that there is something wrong with me these days. I have been having to hear that I am either stupid or a retarded person. I am neither of those. At times, I do lose my train of thought. I end up looking stupid but I know at the end of the day, the only person who can judge me is God.

I know my family doesn't think I should write every day, Yet, I love being able to do it. When I write, I feel so much better. I feel better because there is so much enjoyment that comes out of me when I get to put my thoughts on paper. When I started writing when I was 10, I didn't realize how far I could go with it. Now that I'm older, I have come to understand what it is I can do. Over the years, I have focused a lot on the things I haven't been able to do. I know that's not a good thing. I just try to make it up by pushing myself hard with anything I choose to do. I have had to grow and learn where I fit in this world. I have come to understand I just must make a name for myself. I think making a name for myself is the hard part. It's hard because you must find something you're good at. When it's something you're good at, no one can take it away.

I think that's one thing I do love about being a writer. I can enjoy what I do and use my imagination to take me away. When I am writing and I am into it, it's like my fingers start to have a mind of their own. I say that because I usually have the music going, and I am just singing along and typing quick. The more I type, the better it seems to sound. It's as if the words just flow onto the page without even having to think about it. I used to wonder if that's how it feels for the writers who have come before my generation. I just enjoy being able to explore what my mind comes up with. It's a wonder what you can come up with when you let your mind roam around. I get so much enjoyment out of being able to create characters and lives and a whole other world where anything can happen. It's such an amazing accomplishment for me to be able to come up with something so extraordinary.

From the time, I was 7 years old, I have been writing about my life. I love being able to write about what's going on in my life. I have had many journals. With writing in a journal every day, I have could have moments where I think about each thing that has happened. I know there are some things in my past which make me feel weird and off, but I still try to keep everything in perspective. Even though so much has happened in my short time on Earth, I know I still have so much to learn. I am learning something every day. It takes so much to be able to endure all the things which go on in the world. Even with that, I still manage to find myself feeling good at night. At night, I have the comfort of knowing I have my family, my friends and the love of God. With the love of God, I have come to understand I can survive this world of ours.

I have come to know a lot more over the past two years. I am still learning a whole lot too. I am learning in the real world; you must pay for everything. With that said, I am having to understand I must work extra hard to do everything I want to do. I just want to make it without having to rely on other people. I am very smart. Even though I am smart, I still need to get myself to understand I need to gain more knowledge. When it comes to that, I feel a whole lot better. I feel better because I know I can handle being able to know one more skill. There are many different skills for us to learn. I am hoping things will get better for me. There is so much that needs to get done. I don't want to fall behind myself. I know the only real competition I have is myself. I know I got to push myself more than I have been. I think it will be in full swing when I start college.

When I start college, I know I must work my butt off. I know there will be a ton of school work for me to do. I just hope I can measure up to their standards. I don't like giving up on anything. I don't like giving up because it means I won't be able to do anything else in my life. I want to be free of thinking of myself as a failure. I don't like feeling that way because all it does is make me think about all the things I haven't been able to do. I know I have managed to think negative a whole lot over the years. I just want to have so much out of my life. I just didn't count on my plans being changed by the people who are supposed to be important in my life. I just know I can do even more great things after I get my degree. I want to be an independent and strong person. I don't want to be having to think about all the things I've ever done wrong.

I think constantly having to live with that reminder every day will make me go nuts. Over the past few days, I have been coming to understand there are good things happening. I know good things are happening because I am not allowing the negative to get to me. I went to the dentist and I thought the procedure was going to leave me looking and feeling miserable. It went the exact opposite. I am quite pleased with the results. I'm also feeling great about knowing I can get myself to be as strong and willful as the good Lord has made it to be. I want to have the best life I possibly can.