Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 2

I remember when I would just sit and write all day. I haven't done it in a long time. I have given up on a lot of things I used to do. I don't want someone to tell me I'm not a real writer because I don't spend each day wanting to write. If someone did it, I would tell them they're wrong. They're wrong because even though I'm working, and even though I know things must be done at home, I am always thinking about what to write next. I know things get in the way. It doesn't mean I can't use my experiences to help me. I know I can do it because I've done it already. Since I have become an adult, I've noticed I don't have the same spirit as I did as a teenager. I don't think the same way either. There is more negativity and anger in me. The more emotional side shows too.

I keep thinking when I start college, I will get back into being the person I once was. I know it doesn't happen that way. I could end up being ten times better than I was. It wouldn't be so bad. I know I am going to have to get used to my new schedule once it happens. I just know I am going to have to push hard. I know college is harder. I know I must work my fingers and brain to the bone. I'm not too worried. I know I can pass my reading and English classes. English is my favorite subject. I love reading and writing. I think that's why I do well. I know time will tell me. I'm just hoping I can live up to the standards. I don't want to get there to prove certain people right. I want to see how far I can get. I'm sure college will be the test for many reasons. I'm glad.

I have come to understand my life will not be the way I once pictured. It seems no matter if I am doing right or doing wrong, there is always something bothering me. I am no longer in a relationship. I think it's okay because after all I don't need a man to make me feel better. It's just nice to have one. I am still constantly finding myself in trouble at work. I know eventually I am just going to have to find another job. I know they say you can live with just one job. I know I must get two. When it comes to all the different things I want to do, and what I have been doing, I know I am going to need more money. I know at some point I will overwork myself. It won't matter because at least I will have the money I need to pay for all the things I desire.

Throughout the time, I have been a teenager I have constantly been trying to be responsible. I have been wishing for the power of obedience. I wish for it because maybe I wouldn't be having a problem at work. I keep thinking of ways to become better. With doing that, it seems I am also focusing on the negative things too. I know it's because I want to be more than what I am. I don't want to keep fighting myself inside because what I had always wanted hasn't happened. It's just a matter of me being able to find the strength to get past all the things which have happened to me. There has always been some point where I end up coming back to it, and allowing it to destroy me. It sucks because I do want to be a better person, and not just for other people.

There has always been something in me to want to do better. I have been pushing myself for so long, that I tried to push out all the negative. Somehow, the negative in me comes out anyway. I have recently learned that when I mix certain alcoholic drinks I can become an emotional and violent person. I have decided I will not be that way. There has been a ton of thoughts and inhibitions pushed to the back of my mind. When they came out, I have come to understand it can open old wounds. When they open, it can lead to some bad things. I'm just glad I have managed to keep myself from becoming a horrible person. I have just been working on myself. That's the good part about everything. With me writing again, I have been putting everything into perspective and keeping myself sane.

Life can really teach you some lessons. I have been learning some of the same ones over the years. I have also been trying to keep myself on the straight and narrow. I have been wanting everything to come out the way I want it to be. Of course, I have learned with my luck things don't happen that way. Then again, life is supposed to be a learning experience anyway. You are supposed to learn as you go. Believe me, when I tell you, I am learning. I know there will always be a lesson for me to learn. I think it might be another reason why I find myself repeating myself. It's because the lesson may have to deal with something I have found myself doing before and I start thinking back to that time. I guess that's what I get for all the times I have pushed myself and all the times I have put myself down.