Tangled and Challenged

Part 10: This Way

Chapter 1:

For a long time, I have been trying to please those around me. I have people in my life who want to teach me how to be mean. I know when I get angry some are not affected. I know others are shocked to see it. I know it can get out of hand depending on what it is. I just hate that it must come to where I get ticked off, for people around me to notice. I understand the world doesn't care about what's going on with people. I do care about others. It's not that I want people to feel sorry for me. I just know when I tell a stranger what's going on, it's easier than telling those who care about me. They have a different view of what's going on. A lot of times they want to think they are right. It doesn't help if I make them think they are. It's hard to want to feel free.

As soon as I think I'm free, I realize I'm not. There are moments when I'm riding with the family, and I find myself looking sad and feeling as if I'm alone. I don't know what it's from. I just know I shouldn't be this way. I understand there is a reason for everything. I just want to understand why it is, I am the one who should fix what's broken inside. I guess that's what we all must do. I have been trying to fix myself for a long time. I have people who care about me, who have told me there is nothing wrong with me. If there is nothing wrong with me, then how come I keep messing up like I do? Why do I feel like the negative things told to me are the truth? I long for answers to questions I should already know the answer to. Of course, I won't figure out the answer until I'm not thinking about it.

I have been wanting to be greater and smarter. I keep wanting to make myself different. The one thing I have been told is to just be me. I have thought there was a problem with that. I've been thinking there is a problem with it because I keep hearing about how I am as a person. I know there are things about myself I need to change. I haven't forgotten my faults. I just don't want to hear about it every week. I know it seems weird to be learning this much about a person. Guess what, it's just as hard to let go and tell my story. It's hard because even though I have written it down many times, this is the first time, I know for sure I will be feeling everything at once. This is like a test to see how much I will let go. It's to see which way I will go after spilling my guts.

Spilling your guts is one thing a writer does well. I'm happy to know there are people out there who relate to what I have said. It makes me feel good because there is still a little bit of the self -doubt in me. I doubt my abilities because I know at some point someone is going to tell me what I have been doing is wrong. Amazing how it's happened more than once in the recent years. I know many of us hate being told when we are wrong. I hate it when people have others come behind me and change something because they weren't satisfied. I dislike having to be told everything I was taught was wrong. I hate it when people want to throw my past in my face. I hate it when people want to throw things in my face when something new happens to me. I don't think it's right.

I have beaten myself up enough. I still beat myself up inside sometimes. I just don't want to accept all the negative in me. I know it comes out and people want to look at me funny. Just because I say it, it doesn't mean other people can do it too. I am doing it because it's the way I know to do it. Encouragement is nice, yet it's hard for me to encourage myself. I know what we want to happen isn't going to happen. I know that the worst can happen. I understand the world is designed a certain way. I know I should do what I can to set an example for my younger brothers and sisters. I know I mustn't stop trying to be better when I'm inside my feelings. It's something which happens a lot.

I get frustrated easily these days. I get mad with myself more because I'm messing up. Then when I mess up, I must hear more negative thoughts about myself. I understand people make fun of you behind your back. Yet, for them to come out their face to you, and think it's okay is a totally different thing. I know there is a part of me which shuts down and wants to hide because it feels as if I will never be anything. Then there's the other part of me who wants to prove them wrong. It's the part which wants to show what I'm made of and what I can do. It's the competitive spirit in me. It's the part which doesn't want to let go. It's the fighter in me. It's the part of me which keeps hanging in there when things get tougher. I'm very thankful for this way of thinking.

I'm thankful for this way of thinking because I have guts when I go after something. I push and work harder than before. I put forth more of an effort, then when I'm letting the negativity get me down. I have the tendency to do it, and it doesn't ever seem to change completely. It will change for a little while, but once something bad happens, I fall back into the bad habit. I am hoping one day I will get things right. I know hoping and wishing doesn't do anything. I think that's another reason why I kept thinking may be writing would be my way out. It's the way I let go of my frustration. I put it all on paper and feel better. I feel better knowing the tension I have is just about gone. I feel better knowing I can handle the situation better. It puts a smile on my face.

I feel better when I can listen to music and write at the same time. It gets me in the mood. I can let the song take me away. I don't have to worry about something distracting me. I just sit and type. I go with the flow of the story. This way, everything goes smoother. I get to have even more fun, while making my story hit the big moments. Life is filled with big moments. A story must have a big moment. There should be something which ties it all together. I am glad I have been able to put my characters in different situations. I have been able to learn from them. I have grown while my characters have. There are some characters I have fallen in love with. I know that's why a lot of times when it comes down to finishing the story, I'm sad afterward.

I'm sad because even though I was in love with them, I had to let go. It was time to complete their story. I know you should move on to better things. I know to become stronger and an even better writer, I must work myself the right way. I know it's going to take a lot of time. I know there are different ways I can do it. I have the courage to pull it off. I must want it. I must show other people how bad I want it too. When I was in school I managed to find time, and I know even though I'm working, I can find time too. I will just have to make sure it's a decent time. I should make sure I'm not too tired to do anything else. I also I need to prioritize, just for me to get as far as I need to be. I just know I need to get myself to stop doubting so much. I know I'm a doubtful person.

My best friend tells me I'm the most doubtful, strong person she knows. It's a weird combination I knows. Yet, she knows me better than any of the people I've been with. She understands, and knows how to get me to snap back into reality. She's there like I am for her. We've been friends since we were fifteen. When you have friends, who are there for you, you will feel the strength. You will find your strength and use it to do great things. My friends have been there for the tough times. I'm glad I have them with me. I'm glad with them by my side, I know I can handle the craziness of my dream. I turned what was once not even a twinkle in my eye, into something magical for myself. Writing has kept me together. I put it all on paper and then I go about the rest of my day.