Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 7

There are a ton of things we don't like to tell. We don't like to tell our parents about our drinking habits. We hate talking to them about sex. Sometimes we get lucky if our parents are cool. I enjoy talking to my mom about certain things. When it comes to being in the kitchen, I won't miss it. I don't want to tell my mom the kitchen isn't for me. She knows that. I am not good at cleaning it. I get so mad about the messes. Cleaning can be nerve wracking. I know when I was 12, I loved it. My mom had showed me how to cut onions and green peppers. I just don't like the chore of having to clean out the fridge. The leftovers usually just sit in the fridge until I must dump it. Why save the food if no one is going to eat it? To me it makes no sense. My brothers and sisters usually complain about how they don't want what's been made for dinner. We act so spoiled. A part of me just wants to say it out loud. I hate myself sometimes. I hate myself for all the evil thoughts in my mind. I have had thoughts about death and cutting myself.

I have learned so much from my past. Yesterday at my last inheritance bible study, I learned your past is what helped make you. I am glad for my past now. There are good things from those experiences. I am glad. I am glad about being alive and having all the people who believe in me. I am happy about being able to make something of myself. It's a great gift.

I can't picture telling my mom I smoked a cigarette. Her reaction would probably be bad. Well, that's my opinion. I would rather not test my opinion. I refuse! There will be many things we refuse to do. I dislike arguing with my brothers and sisters. They say I take things too seriously. I am used to not being relaxed. I didn't realize sitting in my room reading was considered relaxing. I didn't realize listening to music or hanging out with friends was considered relaxing.

To me, I don't think about it. I always think about what kind of trouble I am going to be in when I get home. I think about the consequences a lot. Although, a lot of times my mom feels I don't think. I seem to make her mad a lot. I get so wrapped up in my thoughts, I lose tract. I know I need to get focused.

It's going to take time. It's going to be a lot of hard work. There are many conversations I have had. With these conversations, I have could open to people. Opening yourself up is hard to do if you are shy. As soon as I get comfortable in a place, I get over it. I like to talk. I have made great friends from opening. In just one weekend, I ended up with a new family of friends. When you go on trips with your school clubs you learn. I have learned how to present myself and how to present speeches. I like being a free spirit with certain things. I think I would feel weird if I was a free spirit with everything.

I have learned teenagers don't always want to tell each other problems. It takes time for people to adjust. Adjusting to new people is tough. Everyone has felt that, whether they were a new kid or not. I like being able to use my past to help others. It's very inspiring to me. It helps to know my past isn't all bad. I just get inside myself and start feeling guilty. I know it's not good.

Feeling guilty seems to be hat I'm best at. I beat myself up a lot. Of course, my mom says I want people to feel sorry for me. I personally hate that. My teachers used to tell me it was okay to talk to them. They used to tell me it was okay to ask for help. I know I am going to be alone now. I am going to have to rely on myself. The next challenge is here. I am going to prepare myself. This is going to be tough, yet doable.

I learned in my bible study that nothing in my life happens by chance. I am hoping I can achieve some more intelligence. I want to accomplish all I can. I know I can do it. I have just spent most of my life worrying about everything. I know you can't please everyone. I want to please myself. Of course, I don't know how to do that. My mom has been preparing me for the future.

Well, it's the present and I have only minor accomplishments. No matter how much I achieved as a teenager, it's not going to help with my adult life. When you become an adult, the people you know expect more. I know I have felt I put enough pressure on myself. I just want to excel at everything. They are always talking about the careers you can't make money from. I want to be able to make money and be happy about paying for things. I want to make a living. I want to use all my skills. I have learned a lot from people. I know I am going to continue. We don't always want to tell people we care about how we feel about them. We feel it may show us as being vulnerable. Of course, if you can't be yourself around them, then who can you be yourself with?

That line is always being said. I hate how every time the adults tell us it's your life, they want to make the decisions for you. Making the decision for us doesn't make us better. It just makes us rely on you more. I know I am very dependent when it comes to my mom. I can be independent with school work. I just know being home, doing things around the house isn't what I am best at. I just want my mom's help because she is better at it all.

I know she is tired. I want to know how our parents can get our brothers and sisters to listen to them, but we can't get them to listen to us. I find it annoying. I don't want to keep sitting around. It's a routine which never ends. We all have dreams. No one is following their dreams because their destiny gets changed. Then we understand how the elderly people in our lives have the nice cars and houses. It's because they worked hard with what they had. It's nutty because we don't like to listen to their stories.

Their stories could be the one thing which could get us to want to do something. The adults before us have done things as bad as we have. I think maybe it's great to listen. You might just learn something. We don't have to crash just because we feel life or even God is wanting to punish us. The best way to face what's going on is to overcome the trials.

We were put on this earth to do great things. That's even if we feel we have been dealt the worst of things. Everyone has something they are good at. If we just tap into our skills, we can do anything. Adults have been giving us pep talks for years. It's time for us to give ourselves a pep talk. I have had friends who have had it worse. They hide these things and use it to build them. They don't allow it to destroy them. They have given me some of their wisdom. Just being able to know you have people behind you, should make you want to do something. We don't always want to admit it. We must admit our mistakes and move on.

It's the best way to live. We must live as much as possible. Living is supposed to be the best. Most of know living life can be tough. We must deal with people who hate us. We must deal with not knowing we have enough food or money to pay the bills. I have listened and watched my mom struggle. I don't like seeing that. There are still people living in poverty. I wish the government could find a way to help everyone without causing our country world debt. There are so many crisis's in this time. People are working day and night to get through. I want to be able to make a difference. I've noticed many people have done it already. I just want to keep it going. We can hope and pray all we want. Sometimes I want to see people act. Yet when people act, they do the wrong thing. People come to America to have better lives. How come we can't make that happen four ourselves? I want someone to answer.