Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 2

I just keep repeating my mistakes as I go through the month. I've noticed that because even though I'm not back home with my mom, and siblings, I have come to screw up. I'm not making my dad proud. I am ruining what's left of me. I feel like I am wasting away. My aunt says I am because I don't go anywhere. I honestly don't want to go anywhere. What I mean is I don't want to go out to clubs and do what "normal 22-year-old adults do." I have found most people my age is having kids, being married, or finishing college. I am nowhere close to any of it. I'm not close because I am not using my full potential. I am starting to understand why I've always thought there wasn't any more to me then school. I knew my knowledge wouldn't fail me. I knew if I had school, I was fine. I knew I wouldn't have to deal with too much disappointment.

I have come to learn much more over the years. I still feel like I'm lost. I feel like I'm lost because nothing I do, or even try to do comes out right. I am constantly messing up, and I beat myself up over it. I do it because I feel it's better than anyone else doing it. Of course, I still must hear it from my boss, and then my father because they will tell him. I don't like having to see my father get in trouble for what I do. I wish I could just do everything right. I am always wishing I was born obedient. I wish I was born obedient because then I wouldn't have been in trouble as much growing up. I probably wouldn't be as scared and skittish as I am now. Over the past two years, I have found out I still twitch sometimes. I've been told people do it all the time. I have also found out I still flinch occasionally. I have also noticed whenever I get in trouble, I end up crying.

There are so many things I hate about myself. I hate that I cry a lot. I hate that I can't control my temper. I want to be free of myself. I don't want to keep feeling miserable because I can't keep it together. I know I am losing my mind somewhat. I know it because of the way I have been lately. I don't want to be this way. Yes, I know I am complaining. It's just what I do. I complain about a lot of things. Of course, I usually only speak of it when I'm writing. I only speak of it when I'm writing because I'm afraid I am going to get told off. I know I can get told off anyway, but it's much easier for me to brush it off when I can pour out my views of myself. I would rather talk about myself because I know no one can bash me better than me. I know it because of all the different things I have written about myself on my blog.

When I'm writing on my blog, you get the full extent of who I am. I type out all my feelings and complete thoughts. I say what's on my mind, and feel better afterward. I feel better afterward because I know I have let go. I think that's why I love WordPress. This year I have gain more followers and have gotten a lot of likes on my posts. I understand there will always be consequences for my actions. It's one thing I have come to understand well. There have been many consequences for each thing I do. I have spent so much time fighting with my family and arguing with myself, I have become an ugly person. There are parts of me which have been seen, which make me disliked. I know it's okay for people to either like you or dislike you. I just want to have a good life and know for sure I am not going to self-destruct.

I have already been pointing out different things on my blog. I have just started gaining followers. I now have 20 followers because of how real I have become. I have been letting go of trying to sugar coat everything. I am getting better at speaking from the heart. When I speak from the heart, I don't have too much to feel bad about. I don't have to feel bad because you can feel the emotion as you're reading my words. I have fallen in love with typing. I am getting better at doing it. I think that's another reason why I like blogging. It's another form of writing. When I'm typing, I'm just going with the flow. I know I repeat myself. I know at times; I get out of hand. I know there will be something I've said; someone isn't going to like. Heck, I have family members where it seems they want to change everything about me. I know things will get better.

Even though I know things are going to bet better, there is still that part of me which is very doubtful. I wish it didn't exist, but wishing doesn't make anything happen. The only thing which makes anything happen is prayer. Having a conversation with God can help far better, and quicker. I know this because I have seen it happen. There are times when it seems like I forget. Then when I realize he is the reason why I'm still on this Earth, I thank him. I thank him because without his help, I don't think my friends or my ex, or therapy would have even happened. God is very powerful and we must remember that. I know my life makes me go around and around. Yet, I know one day I will be free from thinking about it so much.

There are many things I want to be free from. I've had to realize I am going to successful. I know this because even when I feel like giving up, I don't. I keep going, and watch as what God has planned for me happens. I know I may not have what I have dreamt about, but at least I have God, good health, my family, and love. I know with all those things I can go far. I know I can do anything. I know I just need to start believing in myself. I know my faith is there. I just need to bring it out more. I know seeing the feedback I have been getting lately, has been one of the biggest things to guide me. I have been smiling a lot more. I like knowing more people I have gotten into what I've written, since they have seen I've been reading my work. I was joking to myself how if I knew reading my own work, was going to get me more reads and votes on Wattpad, I would have done it two years ago.

I know things are going to continue from where they are now. I know life is going to continue to get harder. I know it is because life was never meant to be easy. There is a ton of things I will come to know as I continue this journey. Everyone has a journey they embark on. My journey is just in a very different direction. I should understand my past, my present and my future. I know what I would like to happen. I know for me to get what I want; I need to start working even harder and smarter. I know everything takes time. I can only guess what I am going to be like in the future. I am such a worry wort; I know it won't disappear. Yet, when I think about what I have been told by the people who care about me, I know I can handle myself. I know I can pursue many things. Sometimes repeating yourself can be a good thing.

It can be a good thing because the more it happens, or the more you do it, the more it will sink in of how it's supposed to be done. I know for me; I still have trouble being able to do the things I have done over and over. I know I am getting the hang of it though. I know my boss is right when she says I am trying too much. I think I keep trying so much because I just want it to come out right. I don't want to find myself being behind because I couldn't do what was asked of me. When it comes to that part of my life, I screw up more times in a month, then I have danced around the house. I just want to be a better person so bad. I want to become the person I can look up to. I want to become the one person I can depend on when it gets to where I don't have anyone else. I know you can't have a happy life all the time. You must work hard to get there first.

Being able to keep your happy life is another thing to work on. I know a lot for my age. I just know I don't have as much street smarts as I need. I know the longer I live life, the more I will get. I can understand why the adults older than me want me to do a lot more. They want me to do more because they don't want me to waste my life. I know I can make them proud. I know this because I have come to make some of my former teachers proud. When I posted about my book being published, all of them were right there cheering me on. It's a great accomplishment when you can see how your hard work has turned out. I like being able to spend my time doing something worthwhile. I have so much more I want to do too. I want to see what I can do. I think it will be the only way I can understand I can do all the things I dream of.