Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 6

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Well, it's now October, and I can't figure out what to write about. I keep thinking about just writing an autobiography. I just feel hesitant about it since I have written so much poetry about events in my life. There is so much thinking I need to do. I miss the way I used to feel when I would write. I want to be able to feel all the emotions I used to feel. I love being to express myself on paper. I just love the feelings that come with it. I know at times I feel like I want to give up, but I keep pushing.

I keep pushing because I don't want to give up. I love being able to write. I wish I could find the teacher I had my second year of fourth grade. I would thank her for teaching me how to write.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

We all know going back in time only happens in movies. I know I haven't lived long enough to some, but there are still things I wish I could change. Of course, I know if I did change those things, I wouldn't have half the knowledge I do have. I know more about myself than anything else. I just know there is still so much for me to learn. I've done plenty of crazy things in my life. It may just be my very own opinion. Life sure does teach you some lessons. I've always believed there will be a lesson in each part of our lives.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

I've done gone around and around about the stuff I've done. Most of the time I'm beating myself up about it. That's just the type of person I am. I feel as if, even though I have put so much of it into my poems, I haven't fully let go of all the emotion and things I've done. I know the further along I go, the more I will continue to release all these feelings. For right now, things happen, and I can't change it. I just must learn from it, and move on. I can handle moving on, I just know those memories will stay in the back of my mind. That's what happens most of the time anyway.

I've always been the type who thought about the consequences first. These days no matter what there is always worse in one part of my life. I have become a mess when it comes to the little things. I have also become a little lazy too. I can admit at times I'm not thinking. Yet, I just wish I could get through a work day without ruining everything. In my life, it doesn't seem to happen. I just let everything get to me. I just get to the point where I feel bad inside for the rest of the day. It sucks being like that when it shows on your face. By the time, I go home, inside I'm just ready for the day to be over.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Most days it seems like nothing will go right. The day goes the same of course. It's amazing how no matter how many times I think the day is going to go good, it's the opposite. I keep wondering when I will feel complete. I'm not there yet. I wish I could feel happy every day. I don't want to be worried so much. I know I've done talked to God so much about it. I guess it's something in which won't ever go away.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

I'm still thinking about how much I want to put in my story. I know I don't want to leave too much out. I just know this is one story which will take a lot out of me. I remember how much emotion there was when I was writing Genuine Commitment. I want everything to be perfect. I want to make sure I get it all out. I love what I do. Being able to write from my own experiences and being able to create characters who come alive, makes me feel stronger. It's amazing what you can come up with.

This is something I'm good at which is besides being a student. I try hard at work and it seems like I just can't get it right. I hate being a disappointment. I want to be good at what I do. I want to be better at the things I do. Yet, when I'm at work, I make stupid mistakes. I just want to be a better person for me. Of course, that won't happen any time soon.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

As much as I find myself getting all crazy, I've realized it's mainly from family. When you feel like things aren't working, it's as if you want to shut down. You just want everything to freeze, so you can take a minute to really think. Of course, time waits for no one. I hate how much I get inside myself. I just want to be a better person. There is still so much I have yet to accomplish. I just hate I'm at the point where I'm feeling like a failure. I want to be better than what I am. It sure does take a lot out of me when it comes to messing up. I do it so much, and it drives me nuts.

I've been thinking about this whole autobiography thing. I want it to be complete. I want it to have as much emotion and power as I can muster. I want to let it out. I want to feel better once I'm done. I want to be able to know for sure it's the way it's meant to be. I love the way I come alive on paper. I want my story to touch people's hearts. I want to feel free inside. I don't want to feel as if I can never let go. I know in my life there has been tons of drama and craziness. Yet, I have been able to push on. I know if I'm able to do that, then there is no stopping me from writing from within. I know more about myself then anyone or anything.

Being able to tell others about myself is one thing I'm good at. I just want it to be perfect. I've just always thought about using my journals to do it. It may be too late for the idea, but since I know I can handle what's happened to me so far, I know I can keep up enough stamina to write this story. It's my story and I'm the only one who can tell it, I know it must be me to write it. I know it because no one else can write the way I do. We may have the same ideas, but only I can interpret the way I want it written.

Friday, October 14, 2016

It's been a long week. I barely know what to think any more. I keep thinking about my autobiography. s been a long week. I barely know what to think any more. I keep thinking about my autobiography. I haven't even started writing. Of course, it seems kind of dumb since I already know what's happened and who I am. I guess my problem is just that I want it to be perfect. I want to have the chance to write something which really speaks to the people around me. I just want to see myself be hopeful again. Yet, I know with God, I can do as much as I want. I like knowing I can be whatever I want.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Once again, I am starting to understand what it means to be in a tough spot. I wonder what will happen to me if I did choose to become the person I have always wanted to be. Knowing that I'm just here and I'm fading just makes me feel horrible. I can't seem to get past it. I don't know what's going on.

Monday, October 17, 2016

The day has been very unsettling. I was worried about my aunt and uncle. I know my uncle will come out the hospital okay. Yet, I know it's scary for my aunt to be going through it. work went as it normally does. I could barely eat at dinner. I wrapped it up for dinner tomorrow. I've been really worried about this autobiography. I worry it won't be good enough. I worry I won't be able to release all the things that have bothered me over the years. I'm hoping I can just relax and just write.

Even though the date of October 17, 2016 was my last hand written entry, there was still a ton of things I wanted to say. Yet, I tried not to write. There has been a ton of fighting inside of me on whether I should write or not. There are people who care about me who were shocked when I said I was giving it up. They were very mad and they spoke their opinion. When they told me their thoughts, at first I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe the person who was telling me that everyone had lied to me. I wanted to keep that focus that my writing was not good enough. I kept thinking I wasn't meant for it. At times, I still think about it. I worry that something is going to happen to the stories I've posted. I worry there will be a chance I won't be able to write anything.

I have spent most of my life worrying. I have made many mistakes and I still do. At times, I do wish God never stopped me from ending my life. Then I start thinking about the things I wouldn't have been able to accomplish. I have dreaded on my past for so long. I wonder how long I can allow it to destroy me. I have been wondering about a lot of things since I was 12. I have always wanted to question everything. Of course, at that time and even now I still feel as if I won't be able to learn as much as I need to in this life. I have always been one of those types of people who hates not knowing something. I think that's one reason why I love school so much. I feel as if it can take me as far as the skies. When I was, younger I wanted to stay in school for the rest of my life. Yet, I feel like I am still in school because I am always learning I have been doing something the wrong way.