Tangled and Challenged

Part 8: Release

Chapter 1:

I have come to understand I have everything to learn. I think I just need to start getting back into reading and more knowledge. I have been getting a lot of writing books lately. I am going to keep reading. I want to become a smarter person. With the recent events over the last couple of months, I have discovered I need to get back into being well rounded and never giving up. Over the past couple of months, I have been thinking about giving up many times. It's a good thing I haven't though. It seems there is a part of me which is not going to let go. I think it comes from somewhere deep inside. I think it's one of the biggest reasons why I find myself waking up the next day, ready to start fresh. There is so much I feel I can do. I want to have the knowledge to do it. I want to do as much as God will allow me to do.

I've come to understand no matter what I am doing, someone wants to remind me of what they've been through when they were my age. I know I am different. I know I am not living my life like most people my age. It's just taking me a little longer than what I wanted. I understand I have a voice and I need to use it. I just don't want to make enemies everywhere I go. I don't believe that's a great idea. My mindset was so different when I was in high school. I kept thinking the more I pushed myself, the quicker I could get to reaching my goal. I was succeeding at getting the right grades. Yet, I was always finding myself being a complete mess at home. I had to learn there was something which was having me be that way. I have come to know why. It's because I kept allowing my emotions to control my actions. When I was home, I did complain a lot.

I complained because it seemed like no matter what I did, I couldn't get my mom's approval. My temper was sky high a lot. It only occurred at home. I knew when I was coming home, I was going to be in trouble for something. I knew by the end of the night I would have gotten in trouble for something. I just wanted my brothers and sisters to listen to me. I wanted to make sure the house would stay clean. When my mom went behind me, I was always a failure. There was always something we missed. I hated knowing I couldn't get the house to be clean, and stay that way. I miss being able to handle what was going on at home, school and being a writer too. These days all I get is "don't write every day." I know my high school years were challenging, but if I could do what I did, why can't I know. I understand I am in the real world.

I go to work every day. I try to make sure I don't step on anybody's toes. I know I need to get myself to prove to my boss I am not an airhead. I'm trying and that's what should count. I have become a procrastinator since I have left home. I dislike being told constantly I need to do this, or I need to have this done, or "you should have been doing that." I know what I need to do. I have a lot going on in my brain. My brain is always going. I am a Gemini, and it's one of my traits. I push myself a lot. It's so bad, my boss has told me I am trying too hard. I just want everything I do to be right. I want it to be the way, the people around me, who are looking for me to succeed to see it. I don't want to be a failure. It's just how I feel. I feel like I am a failure because it's taken me so long to do the things I was hoping to do. My life has just gone in a totally different direction.

It still upsets me the way everything went down. I think I just need to let go. I have written so much about my life. I have shared a lot with the people who read my blog and the ones who read my work on Wattpad. I am very thankful for WordPress and Wattpad because without them, I don't think I would have become as comfortable as I am right now. I'm comfortable with knowing my life can relate to others. It makes me feel good inside knowing I have reached that many people. I have had low self-esteem and low self-confidence. I have found with me writing, I have could say way more than with my mouth. My thoughts are coming out, and I feel better. I may get judged, but I know at the end of the day, at least it's out there. With my words being out there, I can start to heal within myself because I know there are other people I can help.

I have found I have been feeling sorry for myself. I want to let go of all this craziness inside. I want to let go of all anger, hurt and resentment I feel. I keep thinking about the things I have done wrong. I miss being able to have some sense of happiness. When you pretend you're happy, it's not good. It's not good because eventually it will come out. There are times when I don't understand what's going on inside my head. I want to do so many things. I know it's going to take time. I keep learning more and more. I also have managed to mess up on the same thing each day. It's bothering to know I won't be able to earn more because I can't master the little things. My job is very important to me. Yet, I wish I could write for a living. I wish I could write for a living because I have noticed I get more out of it. I get so frustrated so quickly these days.

I have gotten to the point where I just lose it. I'm snapping on the people I love. I wish I knew how I could fix it. I don't want to keep having moments where I just lose it. I wish I could be more relaxed. I don't want to feel like I am a failure. When I was in my second year of seventh grade, my technology teacher, Mr. Davis had a saying up on his wall, which always made me try to keep moving forward. The saying was, "Knowledge is Power. Failure is Not an option." I still think about the saying because I know what I can do. I know I am smart. I just wish I was smarter. I wish I was so smart, I could have got a full ride to college. I wish I wouldn't have to keep wishing for things happen, knowing they aren't going to. I know enough to know I need to keep working hard, and reading to get smarter. I know I need to gain more experience in my life.

I have always felt I was going to explode with all the crap I was putting myself through. I knew it because I pushed myself hard when it came to school. I knew it when I was back home with my siblings, and my mom, and I would be getting in trouble over my behavior and the house. I could never satisfy my mom. Now it's become to the point where I can't satisfy myself. I keep thinking maybe I peeked at high school. I know my friends and my former teachers would probably lose it if they knew I was thinking that way. I know they would because they have watched me grow, and watched me beat the odds. When it comes to beating the odds, you push yourself to go past your limits. I was real big on that. I was big on it because I knew school was the only way out. I thought me being able to study hard and get as many good grades I could, I could leave to an amazing school and never should look back. I wasn't counting on reality setting in, and me having to deal with everything that has come.

I understand all the things I have been constantly being told. I wish I could figure out the proper way to grow up. Yet, I don't think there is a proper way to grow. I have been having to be responsible since I was 12. Didn't anyone stop to think how it was affecting me? I don't think anyone cared. I know I being the oldest I was supposed to make sure everything was done the way they wanted. What everyone failed to realize was no one was going to listen to me. I used to get in trouble for "acting like the mother to my brothers and sisters." After getting a spanking for it, I started to become soft. When that happens, things get worse. It gets worse because you must deal with even more disrespect from the people you're trying to get to listen to you. I just wanted to be respected and at least be listened to. The only time I got that was when I was in school.

It didn't make any sense to me. Yet, my friends kept thinking I was strong because I could keep my grades intact, and still come smiling most days. Believe me, it wasn't an easy task to achieve. I knew what kind of day I was going to have by what occurred that morning at home. I knew if I got in trouble that morning, I wasn't going to be in a good mood for the rest of the day. I knew somehow, I was going to end up making a big deal out of something, just to get my mind off what I got in trouble for. I knew if I didn't get in trouble, I was going to have a good day. My friends started to get hooked to what I was doing. After a while, I just started talking to them in the morning. I don't have that luxury anymore. I have my dad, but I don't want to talk about it anymore. I have noticed I keep thinking about it, and then it shows on my face.

He notices and it gets crazy because I won't tell him. Then when I do tell him, it makes him mad. I feel a little bit better though.