Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 8

I have spent time writing about my experiences. I have allowed the talks with my mom to influence me. I have come to make the same mistakes I have made before. I have tried to keep myself from doing so. I have learned life does not get easier. You must strive for what you want. Growing up takes time for everyone. Just make sure you prepare yourself.

Walking through life is not going to work. You must put a whole bunch of effort into it. People are always talking about what we must do to be successful. Yet, they just want us not to make the same mistakes they did. I learned that from my teachers. There will come a time when you aren't with the person you look up to. When that happens you just must remember what they taught you. My grandpa has taught me to be myself. With being myself it means writing pages instead of a paragraph. It means blasting my music and singing. It means worrying about everything, yet knowing everything will work out. It has taken me time to realize that.

I have been changing myself a lot. I have learned if you stay the person you know yourself to be, you will be better off. You can't believe the things you watch on television. The way the movies portray high school isn't always accurate. Not every high school will have a clique. Yet there are those who seem popular. They could be considered that way for things they have done. Remember popular can just mean by how many friends you have.

There will be people we meet who can make us feel uncomfortable. We must choose between being around them or not. There are times when we don't want to tell people the truth. We feel if we do, then we might ruin the relationship we have with them. I know that's one of the main problems in a dating/ marriage relationship. You learn a lot about people just by observation. I have experienced it firsthand. To me I find it amazing trust and honesty is the main part of a relationship. It's for any relationship in life.

When people are in relationships, and they feel they can't trust the person they are with, they take extreme measures. They may go through the person's belongings. Sometimes they hire a private detective. Everyone does something when they are not getting along with each other. Most people choose therapy.

For instance, in my family three of my mom's ten kids has been in therapy. I have a huge problem. When I get mad, especially at home, my first thought is stabbing. Its bad I feel like wanting to stab my siblings. That is scary. Everyone wants to know why I want to leave early. There isn't anything here for me. I don't feel useful. I can understand I am being dramatic. I want to see someone try dealing with smartass mouthed brothers and sisters who don't like to do anything until my mom starts yelling.

I know there are times when I get lazy. I just want to get my mom to be proud. She will never be proud of how clean the house is. The house is not clean enough for her. I have been making myself go crazy. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if I smoked 3 cigarettes a day. I think I would probably be better off.

I know it's wrong. I just wonder what it would feel like to be calm. I guess there is no such thing. Fear is a big thing for me. I have been afraid of so many things. I know throughout the rest of my life I will be afraid. Everyone is afraid of something.

There is a reason for everything. There will be times when we will not understand. We must deal with it. I know we can handle it.

I realize a lot of things when I'm alone. I also seem to know a lot more after my mom yells at me. When she yells at me she points out things which makes me feel as a hypocrite. I know I can be. I am usually the one to say it. She made me mad when she made it seem as if I don't clean the kitchen. I am the main person who does. I just get annoyed by that.

I have noticed even when I feel mad at home I can still feel happy. If I think about God or my friends or Mike I am fine. I like helping my mom. It's just sometimes I get distracted. I may not be a full kid anymore, yet I do like television. I have noticed my best thinking is done when I'm at church. It's who I am at church because I feel at peace. It's also the place I feel comfortable telling my sins. My church family is big and great. Being able to learn the things I have is amazing. I have crossed over trying to live a better lifestyle. I didn't realize my personal beliefs were those of a Christian. I know I still have a ton to learn. It's just going to take time.

I have compared many other things in my life to when I'm at home. When I'm at home it's about trying to make sure the house stays clean. It happens during the day. It only happens during the day when no one is home. I do get bored at home. Being bored is not fun. I get over it of course. I just want her to be proud of how the house looks. That never happens. It's always about how I leave when the kitchen is a mess.

In my family's eyes the house will always be a mess. We are argumentative. We are a family that loves each other though. I know I am going to keep reading the Bible. The Lord may have an answer in how to make it through my life, I am days from leaving. My life will change. I know I am going to make it through this week. I'm not afraid of making it. I am afraid of what my life will become when I'm in Florida. It's not going to be the same as it was. I am older, and I am going to be by myself.

I will have my grandpa and Mindy. I don't want to rely on them. Relying on other people doesn't bring me where I should be. I am going to help where they will allow me to. I am also going to apply for jobs. I am going to earn money and buy what's necessary. I am going to make sure I keep a leveled head.

At least I know what I want to do with my life. Most times adults don't get to live out their dreams. I think that's why I enjoy the college commercials. Even though they show the same commercials, it's about the people who didn't get to live their dream. They get the second chance they were looking for. To me it's very inspiring. We've all grown up hearing the worse and sometimes even the best. To us it doesn't always sink in with what we're supposed to do with the information. A lot of times when we want to choose to use the information it seems way too late. Then you think about the saying, "It's never too late."

We have the saying, and we don't believe it. There are adults who over the age of 49, who go on The Voice. There are people that age and older who are great Olympic swimmers. Life may get in the way. It doesn't mean we must accept the defeat. I am going to try not to. I already don't like giving up. I just keep living by the day. Every day it's the same routine. I know it doesn't change.

I know I am going to have to make a change in myself. Making a change in myself will be tough. I know I am going to have to keep striving for success. Not all the time do we get to success. I want to be able to feel proud of myself. That's the only thing I want. I like being able to go through the challenges. I've learned taking the blame for something can lead to being stuck in a spot you don't want to be in. I am going to be glad when I don't have to worry.