Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 7

Having moments where I will think back to when I was growing up, kind of makes me weird. Of course, I get to acknowledge all the feelings I was trying to hide from the time I was sixteen. I was always trying to get my mom to be proud. I wanted her to see what I was doing which was right. She didn't realize it until years later. During my high school years, I experimented like any other teenager. I know my life wasn't as bad as others, but I did go through trauma. When I was at my lowest point, I felt I could ever be, my mom wasn't the one who helped me.

It was my friends, and the boyfriend I had at the time. My mother just kept telling me I couldn't say it was everything going on for why I was cutting myself. During the time, I was sixteen up to when I was 18, I did stuff.

At the time, I thought it would have made me feel way better. Of course, when you watch your friends' reaction to you telling them you don't think you can handle life anymore, you know what's real. I think that's another reason why I have such respect for my friends. They stuck by me, and made sure I was okay. Even though when I had my last therapy session, I learned my home life wasn't going to change, I felt good.

I felt good because I knew when I chose to go away to college, I could leave it all behind. I wouldn't have to think about how much trouble I would get into for the house not being clean. I'm glad I don't have to worry about hearing my name every morning, and being grabbed because the kitchen wasn't up to par. There are times when I get yelled at by my boss for not using my common sense or doing something stupid, and I think about when I was called "the dumb twin" by my younger brothers and sisters. Granted, I have done some things wrong, but I have been trying.

As I have come to understand, my days are better now than they were before. I have also learned once I get past everyone wanting me to grow up, I can handle it myself. I have always been around people either way older or be around kids who are way younger. When I was in school, I was one of those who acted responsibly. I knew what was expected of me. I still do, but for some reason, it's harder now than before. I know one of these days I will look back and remember this. I try to remember as much as I can.

I just know as I get older, hopefully my mind will get stronger. I will remember and can give someone else advice. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Believe me, I know for a fact I'm not. I just try to be myself when it comes to the hand of stuff I've been dealt. It's not like I was one of those horrible teenagers, but I did do my dirt. It wasn't too major, but for me, I know it was bad. I understand that I wasn't the best. Even now, I'm battling with myself about doing better and being able to do my own thing. I am praying one day I can get away from the person I am right now.

When I'm telling the truth to myself, I feel a whole lot better. There are days where I love just being comfortable in my own skin, and toughing it out at work. Other days, most days really, I wish I was with my boyfriend and living out my life for my dream. Yet, there's that part of me who wants to stay around my dad. I understand I'm not little anymore. I tell my dad that. It doesn't mean I don't want time to bond with him. I'm so close to getting everything I want. I just got mixed thoughts because I wish I could have both at one time. Hopefully once I finish school, I will can feel fulfilled.

There is time for everything. It's just the months are going by quicker, and the time during the day goes slow. I know what I want out of my life. I am working on it. Knowing I can publish my own work makes me feel great. I hope to continue to grow as I get older. I'm growing in my own way, yet some of my old ways are sneaking up on me. I'm sure when I start college, even more of my old ways are going to come out. I'm hoping it will be the good ones. I want to accomplish a ton of things before I pass. I know I may have a long way to go, but you're not promised tomorrow.

When I'm riding in the car with my dad, and I'm looking around, I'm allowing myself to enjoy being outside. I used to love going for walks every day. There were times I would go in the woods behind the house, and be singing or screaming, or just talking to God. I love church, but here I'm not comfortable going. I know in time, if God permits it, things will get better. I'm wondering if everything that's happened to me has happened because of my behavior. I know at times I do act like a child. Yet, I'm lost on what to do.

I still don't like it when I don't know something. I want to become a very intelligent person. I don't want to feel like a failure. For some reason, I feel like one. I feel stupid because of the decisions I've made. I know I still have more time to grow and learn from my mistakes. I know the only person I am in competition with is myself. I understand that, it's just at times I see what other people my age have, and I want it. I'm envious and I know I shouldn't be. I think it's because I'm still mad I worked my butt off, to only get knocked down.

Since I graduated school back in 2014, I have been trying to find where I belong. I was going through family, and I wasn't feeling complete. I think it's because I've always wanted to do my own thing. I mean my parents raised me to be independent, and I hate having to rely on others. Even when I was in high school, my teachers used to tell me it was okay to ask for help. These days when I'm feeling sown, I think about what I've learned from high school on. I've found I still believe in the same things, I'm just not in the place to use all my other skills.

I've been learning new things. I do enjoy it, but there is that part of me which wishes I could write all day. I know that's how a lot of young writers feel. Of course, we must live life, to get to live out our dreams. I know my life is going on right now. See right now, I do feel like I do have a life. Before, back when I was going nuts inside, I didn't feel that way. I felt like at any point and time I was going to lose myself. I felt like I was going to explode. I knew everyone would have said I was doing it to myself.

That's the one thing about only trusting yourself. All the weight of everything going on, on top of all my thoughts makes me crazy. I think that's why this time with Nathaniel, and my dad and Joshalyn (my best friend), I don't hold anything back. I couldn't anyway, because they would sense it by my tone or the look on my face. They know me, and even if they must pry it out of me, they'll find it out. I've learned in the short time of being around my dad again, I'm a lot like him. Now, I know why my mom said she couldn't understand me. She wasn't meant to. I'm different from her, and more like my father.

My dad and I get along. When I was a kid, we only had video games to bond over, and a few anime shows. Right now, I've learned a whole lot more about him. With me learning about my father, I have realized I am like him. There are parts of both my parents in me, yet there is only one. When I was growing up, when I would be by myself, I would wish there was more of me. One to do everything that needed to be done, and some to do what I wanted, and others to go off on adventures to live like those who get to travel all over the world. Yes, I was a weird kid.

I was more of being inside, but as I got older I grew out of it. I like going places and doing things. I know as time goes on, I will eventually get to do all the things I want to do. I'm starting to realize more of me needs to be seen. I need to start building myself back up. I know with my writing; I will always feel alive. Yet, I'm talking about outside of that. I'm referring to me as a person. I don't want to become lazy. I want to be able to help my family and those I care about, even myself.

I don't want anyone to think I can't do it. I'm learning no matter how different the job, my common sense takes up most of it. I don't want anyone to think I'm dumb. I'm going to learn my street smarts. I know I'm book smart. I'm going to push myself a whole lot harder. It's the one thing I know I can do. Writing is going to take a backseat again. It usually does when I'm working. I get tired, and just take to my journal.