Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 2

With the way things are going, I am starting to understand where I fit in, in this world. I am happy about knowing I can do whatever I need to, to become established. I want to be so much more than what I am. I know with wanting to do it, I must have the determination and drive. I know I can get myself through college. I know I can because I made it through high school. High school was a tough situation. It seemed as soon as I got through one situation, another one came right behind it. It was something I just couldn't escape. I think that's probably why I wrote as many journals as I did. I just dislike knowing my siblings and my mother have the need to go through those and criticize me. I know what happened and so do they. It doesn't mean they must lie about it, to make themselves feel better. In the end, it solves nothing.

I know it solves nothing because I have found out, all I have ever done around my family is be angry. I have lashed out when I have been ticked off. I have been mad knowing my brother and I were going to always be the main ones in trouble. I know what it's like to be feeling as if you aren't good enough. I have always thought I wouldn't ever be able to get my mom's satisfaction. I have felt that way because it seemed like no matter what I did, I wouldn't be able to make her happy. I think it sucks no matter what I did, I would be getting in trouble instead of getting praised for something I did. I think that's probably another reason why I feel so nuts about when it comes to my mom. I love her I do; I just want her to be proud of me. I know it's something I am just going to have to wait and see for. It's just hard trying to get someone's approval and to find out you never will.

I have come to understand no matter how hard my life is, I can make it through. When I was in school, I had a math learning disability. It's called dyscalculia which is a learning disability which causes serious math difficulties. Up until the time I was in high school, I was always the one to have a C in math. I felt lucky when I got the chance to have a B. I've had to learn how to keep my grades at a standard which was good for me. My parents always accepted for us to do our best. I just always felt I could do more than that. I used to tell my parents I wanted to stay in school for the rest of my life. I wanted to stay in school for the rest of my life because I kept thinking about all the different things I could learn. I have always wanted to know how to do more than one thing. Of course, right now, I know a few things, but it doesn't even seem as if it's enough.

It doesn't seem as if it's enough because I have my own expectations for myself. I hate knowing I have limitations to what I can do. I have so many different opinions about everything I do. I worry so much, I have had teachers tell me I need to lighten up. I know I'm a worrywart. I know because I am so afraid something catastrophic is going to happen, and I might not be able to come back from it. I'm always thinking that way. I have noticed as soon as I start thinking positive, and it seems like everything is coming together. Something bad happens, and then it seems as if only worse things happen afterward. It has been the part of my life which I know has been very consistent. With that said, I find myself making a mess of things too. When I fix them, I still think about the trouble I caused myself in the beginning.

There have been times in my life where I have been proud of myself. I am glad I have accomplished some of the things I have. Even though they are small considering what other people have done, I still feel successful. When I was 12, I could finish the work from my social studies textbook in just one textbook. I could write a 275-page book handwritten. I felt good knowing I could do it. When I was 14, I could take a school essay and turn it into a 29-chapter book. When I realized, I wrote a book that was 275 pages, I felt happy. I felt happy because to me being able to do that at just the age of 15, was like being able to write at a new level. I feel like I have come very far in my life. I know there is so much more for me to learn. I just know I can handle whatever is thrown at me. It's amazing to know I could do it, and not be an

'adult.

When I am reading the stories on Wattpad, I have found out a lot of the authors are teenagers. I think I have done a whole lot of living when I was a teenager. I think that's why most adults say high school was the best. I believe they say that because it was the times of their lives when they were didn't have to deal with the adult consequences. We all know we did, but we remember just how fun it was doing the crazy stuff. Life teaches you so much as you get older. Sometimes I wish I was still a teenager. I like being an adult at times. Yet, at other times I wish I could just have everything I have ever wanted in my life. I know I got to work my butt off for it. I just know it's taking me longer than the other people I know. At times, I do feel as if I am behind in life. Then I remember the only competition I have is myself. Maybe that's the way it should be.

I think it should be that way because then I might just stop trying to push myself over the edge. I know when it comes to me trying to do something, I always push. It just might be harder to remember my only competition is myself. I have been so emotionally unstable over the years, and it's causing me to be the same way now. I still have many walls up when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend. Since I have been cheated on more than once, I keep thinking he is going to do the same thing. I worry that I must dealing with the thoughts of dying alone again. When you start thinking like that, you lose sight of what God has meant for you. I have found my faith to be very shaky at times because of it. Yet, I have come to understand God has always found a way to keep me strong. I know he will always be here for me.

I have been having many revelations and having to understand a whole lot over the years. I used to hate it when people said, "we will tell you when you're older." I got older, and instead of being told, I was being shown. I was shown what it feels like to be hurt. I got to see what happens to couples when they are constantly together to the point where they fall apart. I know bad things can happen to people. I have had to see what happens to my friends. I have watched them grow though. My friends and I have grown strong still. I think it's a great accomplishment. I hope I get to have all the things I have been wanting. I am so close I can feel it. I want to have all that I can get. I just want to make sure I don't screw it up. I have managed to screw up a lot of things in my life. I am just glad things are going even better for me now.

I have been learning many things over the past two years. I know I am going to have to find a way to get rid of the issues I have with my family. I have a ton of pinked up anger towards them. I just know when it comes to them, I try to put it all on paper. I like being able to just leave it on the page. I won't have to worry about feeling inadequate. I know I am smart, but I know I can become even smarter. I know I can do it because I have the tools I need. I know I won't give up on anything. I think that's one reason I haven't given up on the hope of being able to go to school. I want to become someone better than who I am. I don't want to keep hating myself. I beat myself up a whole lot. I don't want to keep living with the guilt. Guilt can eat you alive. It's how the world can treat you too. The places we live in can eat you up and spit you out just as quick.

Many things happen to us in our lives. We hear people tell us to just go with the flow. Sometimes going with the flow isn't always the best thing. Of course, for me I just live by the day. We all know we aren't promised tomorrow. I have been constantly thinking I am not good enough. I just want to find a way to stay thinking positively. I don't want to fall back into bad habits. I want to be able to stay on a straight path. I want to become someone I can be proud of. I want to become the person I know I can be. I just want to see myself do it, for me to believe it. I have lost the faith in myself. I don't think that's a good thing. I just know I must keep pushing. I should put forth even more of an effort. I just don't want to feel like I'm wasting away to nothing. My life has been teaching me many things. I have always thought there has been a lesson in every part of my life.