Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 1

6-7-16

Sitting here with time to kill allows me time to think. I am realizing just how well everything is going. Things are going slow at work. I'm happy about everything going so well. I like having the chance to just sit and think. I like knowing I can write about what's going on in my head and about love.

I have been thinking about NaNoWriMo. It's National Novel Writing Month. It's in the month of November. It's where you try to write 50,000 words in a month. They also have this thing called Camp NaNoWriMo which comes in the spring or summer. They are having one in July. I am going to try it out.

I know the garage isn't sound proof. Yet, I like coming in here, and just singing, or listening to my music and writing. It makes me feel good. I have thoughts all through my head Yet, I am coming to understand they are all just in my head. I am having to understand the difference in who I was as a teenager and who I am now.

Of course, I still want the way I acted when I was in class to stick to where it is.

Do more they say! You don't do what normal people your age do. Did it occur to me how much all my original plans went out the window? Oh, yes, the fuck it did. You roll with the punches you are given. You act like a child and you just need to quit. Everything you are doing must be planned. Just take it all in and deal with it like an adult.

When being an adult, there is a whole lot you got to do.

All day long all you do is write. Your job is not to write. Your job is to answer the phones. You can't make your hobby, your life. Your life is not centered on what you have been doing. Take a second to just understand what you must offer the world.

I am not a normal adult. I am working, but there are two different opinions on what I should be doing. I am not trying enough they say. They want me to do more. If I start doing more, I don't want to hear a crack about anything. I had to learn to take responsibility a long time ago.

I don't want to be a person who is so stressed out her hair starts coming out. I don't want to feel like I am a slave. I know I should be cleaning up more. There is a ton of things I can do. I don't like the fact I can get offensive. I was not raised like the rest of the children I grew up with.

When I was in high school, I was acting older than I should have been. Of course, I was older than everyone in my class. The only person I should be competing against right now is myself. I am heading in the right direction. I should be getting prepared for college. I am not trying to fail out of school.

I understand I must work at the same time. I know what needs to be done. Yet, I don't want to lose out on who I am because life came in the way. I think that's what happened to those around me, and even though they feel as if they are helping me, it's just making me feel inadequate. I have always wanted to be normal. Then I learned, I am not normal, and I will never be normal. Do you know why I won't be normal? I won't be normal because there is no such thing.

Things happen every single day. Whether it's to me or someone else, things happen. Why is everyone so worried about what I do? Am I bothering you by being by myself writing, reading and listening to music? So, the fuck what if what I buy is not what you would buy. I still try to save. I understand I need to help. Yet, no one in this whole world should care, yet they do. I am a grown person who feels, wants to enjoy life and has her own mind. Don't try and interrupt it by telling others about me, and then they come and tell me.

I've had times where I have gone to people for advice. All that happens is people turn on you. They want to tell you how you should be. They want you to do things, the way they would. Well guess what? I'm not them. I'm not going to live a life they did. I have parts of my parents in me yes, but that doesn't make me them.