Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 3

I've just always known when it comes to the lesson, I should be the one to figure out what it is. I must figure out what the lesson is and how I can learn from the mistakes I've made. At times, I feel like I have made too many mistakes. I feel as if I can't be forgiven. When I watch Joyce Meyer and Joel Olsteen, I see things differently. I remember what God's plan is for me. I remember if I believe in what God says in the Bible, I will be fine. I know I need to get back into reading the word. God's word is very important and I know I must respect what he has given me. I know he has saved me from death twice. I don't want to repay him by screwing up all he has done. He continues to amaze me with what he allows to happen, and how he knows everything. I just know I got to stop feeling sorry for myself at times, and keep on moving.

I know I am strong and willful. I know I create challenges for myself. I love being challenged because it makes me can shoot for something. I can find out just how far I can go with something. I love being able to try new things. I like having the chance to do things others haven't. I like being around people and learning about their lives. I know at times I can be nosy and at times I can be annoying. Yet, who in this world isn't? We all have our own opinions. We form our opinions based off things that we have seen. I just know everything will work out in the long run. I know it will because I pray about it enough. I try hard to make it happen. I don't stop just because someone is telling me I am doing too much. I want to have a ton of knowledge. I want to be able to know more than what I do. I want to be able to say I don't just know one thing.

I know I have been repeating myself again. I think it's become a coping mechanism. It's become a coping mechanism because I haven't let go of not being able to go to college when I wanted to. I just hate having to constantly wait for what I want. I'm just glad I don't have to wait too long this time. I have become very impatient. I have been thinking of myself in a bad light because of things I have been told. For one, I know for a fact I am smarter than an eight-year-old. I don't like being called out about something I've already called myself out on. I don't see it as fair. I think if I've already said it, you don't have a right to say anything. I know I can be a horrible person at times. I got family and myself to call me out on it. Even though people will talk about me for the rest of my life, I know God is the only one I must answer to.

We all know when judgement day comes we must answer to him for everything we've done. It's hard to ignore what people say. It's hard because we must be able to hold our composure. We should be able to know when we should say something and when we shouldn't. There is so much we can do to keep from losing our cool. I know how my temper can get. I know at times I can be out of hand. I have come to know a whole lot about myself. I have been trying not to explode. I have slipped and lost my cool. The good thing about it was that it wasn't at work. When I'm at work, I try not to let things get to me anymore. I don't want to end up fired from my day job. If I do, I must spend my time trying to find another job. That's hard if you don't have a degree.

Currently, you must have an education to do anything. I feel as if they are trying to make it even harder for us. They make it even harder because for us we must push until we can't control ourselves. Life may not seem tough. Yet, for those who want to make something out of themselves, it sure does make you think. It makes you want to strive for more. I know that's how I feel. I don't want to end up not having a place to live, or a life of my own. I want to be independent, and not have to worry about anything. I don't want to have to be thinking about the next time I'm going to eat. I don't want to have to worry if I will have a place to sleep. I just want to become sure of myself. I can honestly say it's one of the main things I've wanted since I was a teenager. I have been wanting it for a long time. I just know I won't get there until after I finish college.

I know when I finish college, I will go back to working full time. I will just know I will have a better opportunity. I will be able to use the skills I learned in the classroom better. I will have also had some job training too. I won't be considered a loser either. I also know you can still be considered one even if you do have a degree. When it comes to working, there is always a sure-fire chance you will learn something new. You will learn as you go. With the job, I have now, it gets tough. Yet, I still push myself. I may push harder than I should. Yet, I know I won't become any better if I don't. I know I must stay at the top of my game. I don't want to become a disappointment to myself. I know I can't give up just because things are getting tough. It's like the saying goes, "when the going gets tough, the tough get going." They weren't saying that for no reason.

There is always a reason for everything. I have come to know a lot since a lot of people have seen me. I know I still have a long journey ahead of me. I don't want to lose out because I can't master something. I still find myself looking up things, for me to know more. I like being able to learn. I just know I must know when to be quiet and listen. I know when it comes to my writing, I must keep reading. Even the smallest of books, can teach you something. The world is full of a ton of information. The books we read will teach us more than just what we see on television. I want to be able to learn how to absorb everything I have been taught, and use it on a day to day basis. We work our butts off to become something greater, and to survive. Yet, with all that work we end up hurting ourselves because our health can start failing.

Yet, if we stay focused and keep ourselves strong we can do anything. It's one of the lessons we learn in the Bible. If we can follow God's teachings, we can do anything. There is so much to be seen and done. We all have something we love to do. I should understand I can't give up on something I love because someone is telling me I was and never have been good at it. It's just the negative in them coming out. I have come to know at times I have been the negative one. I am the one who is most doubtful. I have become doubtful about everything I do. I even sometimes think the praise I get will turn into a whole bunch of negative words. I know there are people who will put me down. I have known that for a very long time. I know there are people in this world who don't care. Yet, the one person who should care is the one person who needs to keep on moving.

I know I must be strong. I know I must not let the emotions I have control my actions. I understand I need to let some things go. It's hard to do when it's constantly playing in the front of your mind. I know I must do what I should, to become a stronger person. I know giving up is not an option. I know I must keep on fighting for what I want. I just want to do so much at one time, I forget I must take time to rest. I want to keep on moving, so I don't miss out on a second. I think it's a good thing at times. I think it's a good thing only because it means I won't be sitting around all day. There are times when I do. It doesn't mean I'm not thinking. My brain is always working, and it seems as if I never give it a chance to rest. I want to succeed and know for sure I can do anything. I just want to be proud of myself. I want to believe in myself for me.

I have come so far from having self-confidence and self-esteem issues. I know I will so much more than what I am. Life just seems to make it come a little later. When I think about all the things my friends are dong, I worry I will never get there. I know if I focus on that, I won't ever make it. I know I just must stay calm and focus on myself. I know there are a ton of ways I can improve. I used to love reading self-help books. I think they are very resourceful. I used to love reading all types of books. I still do now, but I have come to stick with romance. I think it's because it's the biggest thing I write about. I love writing about romance because it's around us. It's around us everywhere we go. The same is said for violence and racism. There is a ton of things going on in this world today, we don't talk about. I know it's because there can be even more trouble started.