Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 2

As much as I want to ignore it, I know I must understand I need to stop second guessing myself. I have always done it. I know it's a bad habit. Of course, we all have them. I know as time goes on, things will change. I am hoping things will get better because I don't like feeling like a disappointment. I don't like it because then people want to think I won't amount to anything. At times when I want to be like a normal person my age, I get the hard part of it. I got to hear about how instead of me doing this, I'm doing that. I am still a young lady and I have wants. There is nothing wrong with that. Of course, when you have family who has seen you beat the odds with everything, they don't want you distracted. The one problem is they don't want to give you the chance to make things fit in your life.

I guess it might be because no matter how hard I've tried, I haven't been able to keep a relationship. Things happen and we start to change and well, I end up by myself. It just sucked having to listen to my mom constantly ask if I was still into guys. No offense to those who like both or the same sex, it's just not for me. I don't know if maybe what I'm looking for just can't be found. It's very possible, yet I don't want to give up hope. I want to keep searching and I know one day I will find it. I just wish at some point I wouldn't be left to hear about how my decisions on the person I choose is wrong. I know it when it happens. I know it because when I'm in a relationship, I pay attention. I think maybe I just need to let go of all the desires and wishes I have.

I know at times I seem all over the place. I'm sorry, but we can't always be put together. Everyone doesn't always want to hear about our problems and the things we have gone through or are going through. I know that's part of being in the real world. Yet, there are people who do seem to care. They could also be considered as nosy. In this day and age, I have found it's a whole lot easier for me to write because everyone has their own life. They don't have time to listen to me go on and on. I know that me going on and on gets exhausting. Its just sometimes I just want to vent and feel better. I want to be able to let it all out and not have to keep letting it build up inside. We all know that isn't good. No one likes when they end up snapping out on a person. That's usually when everyone wants to start caring. I just know I can't include all the people I know in the category.

Although my writing has pointed out a lot of the bad, there has been a ton of good times. I have been clinging on to all the bad which has happened in the past, I didn't mention any of the good. When I was growing up there were many fun times. My parents took us to Coney Island and to Disney World. We used to go to the movies too. We used to have family night sometimes and we would pay the Wii and we would play board games. My dad showed me how to throw a football when I was eleven. My parents used to work their butts off trying to get us all the things we wanted for Christmas. My mom always made big dinners for thanksgiving and Christmas. The holidays were always big in my family. When it came to a show we all agreed on, everything was great.

When we had friends over it was great. It seemed as if they never wanted to go home. There are times I find myself thinking about when we used to have parties and when we enjoyed time together. I remember when my family had a Halloween party and my friends came. It felt good to have them there. We were dancing and having fun. My friends have always been there for me. I have a friend who I consider my best friend. She has been there for a lot of things when it came to me and stuff I was trying to hide from the family. I have had times where my friends came over when I wasn't in school, and my mom didn't stop my friend Jordan from jumping on me. She thought it was funny. My brothers and sisters loved my friend Erica when she used to bring her candy bag. She was forever having food with her.

When it came time for me and my brother's sweet sixteen, Erica had come and by the end of the day I owed her two big bags of m&m's. With my family and my friends, there was never a dull moment. My family has had some crazy times together. I remember when Hurricane Charley hit back in 2004. It was my immediate family, and my uncle and my grandpa's girlfriend and her daughter and niece stuck in my family's two-bedroom house. We were all cramped up in the bathroom. The hurricane had made the front door fly open and a lot of my mom's stuff got ruined. Man, during and after the hurricane, there was just some nutty times. My uncle wanted to try and leave during the hurricane. He was upset because he had come from New York and he got stuck in a hurricane. My dad had to stop him from going out.