Tangled and Challenged

Chapter 4

I know we can get past it all someday. We just must have faith. That's something not everyone has. When things happen to you, and it takes a toll on you, your faith isn't as strong as it once was. I know I have talked about it a whole lot throughout my life. I just want to can keep the faith no matter what happens. Of course, I have people in my life who remind me I do have it. I like being able to have those who stand by me. I like having them in my corner because I know they will never let me forget how far I have come. They are my dream team. They're the ones who have been with me since day 1. I know at times I have been lost. I have felt like I wasn't going to make it. I felt like I was going to die alone, yet with my friends and the Lord, I have learned it won't happen. I have learned I will be able to give my love to someone who will love me.

I have had to learn the person I am with now is not going to leave me over something stupid. I have had to understand God put us together for a reason. Since I have been with him, I have been changing in many ways. The one big thing I have noticed is when I was writing my two romance novels, the emotions I had for him just came flooding out. It was so easy for me to gather all the feelings I had for him, and use it for the characters in my stories. I think it helped me to bring me alive. I kept thinking about how his reactions would be to certain things. I thought about how different he has been to me from the other people I've been with. He has been a very supportive person. He has read some of my work, and it makes me feel good to know what he thinks. Like he says, "how can I support something I don't take a part in."

He is good at getting me to realize I can enjoy what I have and still push to succeed more without having to worry that what I have will disappear. I feel I have grown throughout my stories. With each story, I have written, I have developed. I have changed the feelings and the situations. The impacts I think they should have, have changed immensely. I think it's a wonderful thing. I hope to do so much more one day. There is just so much I want to do; I haven't figured out where to start. It's weird to say, seeming how I am already working, and I will be in college soon. I think I just need to get comfortable enough to know I am on the right path. There are many paths I could have taken. Yet, I know what my goal is. My goal is to become stable enough to have a successful life. I want to have a job, a home of my own, a loving family of my own, and can cherish it all.

It's a dream I haven't lost sight of. I know I am close to getting it. I don't want people to think I can't do it because of how I am at the job I have currently. Where I work at now, I just must keep pushing myself. There are days when I get it perfectly. I just know every day is not going to be the same. I know when I am working, I must block out all the negative. It's hard to do when it's in the front of my mind. I think I just need to figure out a way to make it work in my favor. It used to work for me when I was in school. When I was in school, and I was being negative, I would use it as a tactic to try harder. I would tell myself I needed to make it because if I didn't I would continue to be stuck in the rut I was in. I kept telling myself how wrong I was. I kept telling myself I wasn't going to be as smart as the other kids in my class.

As it turns out, I got to be on the same level as them. Suddenly, it didn't matter I was in special education classes. It didn't matter that I had a problem with math. It didn't matter that I wasn't ever going to be able to do the community service hours for the club's I was in. I just kept pushing myself to have the grades to stay in the clubs. I pushed myself for me to understand I could make it to a good college. I pushed myself to prove to myself I wasn't a piece of crap. I wanted to know for sure I could be somebody. I made myself understand what it takes to become a book smart person. When I did talk to my dad, he used to tell me not to do too much. He didn't want me to overwhelm myself. The one thing no one seem to understand was if I didn't do it that way, I wouldn't be able to do it. I didn't think I would be able to do it because it seemed harder to do it slow.

I felt the same way when I was in the kitchen with my mom. I knew being in the kitchen with my mom it was fast pace. I knew I had to figure out a way to make sure the dishes were clean enough for my mom to use, and the counters were clean enough for her to use, and she had everything she needed. I knew being in the kitchen was something I didn't like doing. I just knew I had to stay calm and do whatever I could to make it easier for me and her. I used to hate getting in trouble about that kitchen. It was one of the main things I was getting in trouble for. I knew I had to find a way to make things easier for me. It wasn't easy to do, but some days I could do it. I learned many lessons as a teenager. Eventually, I started focusing on how my teachers would explain it to me. When I did that, I started find easier ways to do things around the house.

Even though I could get the chores I had done, it was still the matter of being able to keep the house clean for when my mom got home. It was something which could never be done. My mom was always able to find something wrong. I soon learned the only way to get the house clean was if I were to clean up nonstop. I started to think by the time I got the chance to have my own house I was going to have OCD. I kept thinking I was going to push myself so far with having to have the house organized and clean, I would lose my mind. I thought I would lose it because I could never get my mom's satisfaction. It didn't help when the moment my siblings saw the key turn in the door, they would take off to their room. I would be left standing there to hear her yell. It sucked having to hear about why this wasn't done or how come I can't get them to listen.

Even now I know if I were to step foot in that house, I would lose my mind. I would see everything that's ever happened in that house come flashing in front of my face, and I would just snap. I would go back into yelling, screaming, being loud and cursing all the time. I know that's one thing I didn't need. I have discovered since I have left the home, there are still parts of me from that house still in me. I know I must get past it all. I know over time it won't affect me anymore. I just must keep pushing myself to get farther. I know I have a ton of things to work on within myself. I know I have come far for where I am right now. I just know I still have a lot more work to do. I know the more I write about myself each day, and the more I keep moving in life I will get closer to my goal. I know I will because the challenger in me won't let me quit.

Even though I put myself down, I know I have found a way to balance it out to work for me. I am not going to give up on myself. I know I must learn something new every day. I know I must take advantage of the opportunities offered to me because there won't be other chances. I know at times I must go with the flow because planning my life doesn't mean I will get to do those things when I think I should. I know I can't give up when things get hard. I know I haven't come as far as I have, to just give up. I know I have the strength to make it in this world. I know I can't allow the negative words told to me to make me quit. I know I must keep on working to improve myself or else I will never be able to say I have achieved everything I wanted to in life. I know I must keep doing whatever is necessary for me to survive.

I have been writing about my life for so long. I have been thinking about turning my journals into a story. I have written short stories and even chapter stories. I don't have a lot of those stories anymore. Since I don't can get them, I just feel lost in a way. I feel like there is a piece of my imagination gone. I feel like no one really cares about what I write. Of course, it's always about drawing people in. I have been using an app and website called Wattpad to post my stories and poems. I like the feedback I get. I'm happy about it because I at least got some people reading my work. I know I would not be considered a great writer. Yet, I know what I can do on paper when I get into it.